Hey Opt -

I love ya, lady, so I'm going to wrap my 2x4 in bubble wrap first... okay, here it comes - WHAP!

You are driving yourself nuts agonizing over all these details. Your feelings are real and valid, and I don't want to miminize them at all, but they're not doing you any good! Don't focus on your H right now, certainly don't focus on the OW, the damn hussy - focus on yourself. Take control of what you can take control of - yourself.

Your anxiety over your H will not faciliate your re-building a R of love and trust. You can't solicit, you can't expect.

Here's the thing -

1) Get your postive energy from somewhere else - you need to be putting energy into your R from inside, not looking for reassurances from it. Do what you need to do to recharge elsewhere do you've got something to bring in.
2) Make your M a project. Look at it almost dispassionatly. Stratagize. You're GOOD at this - I've seen you do it. Every day, what are you doing to put positive energy into the R? Pretend that your H is a stay dog - what's going to work better, getting frustrated and trying to pounce on him, grab him by the scruff, yank him into the cage - OR - offer warmth, food, peace, so that he chooses to come closer, closer, until he's entirely comfortable?

Remember this - you're in the driver's seat here. You've got the tools to do what you want to do. Don't let these things that are going on distract you or you'll go off in the ditch. They are painful to experience, I know they are - but remember that you're the strong one. Look at everything you've made it through so far. You're the strong one. You're the caretaker of your M right now.

Okay, I'll stop now. Sorry if I've gone around the bend. Good thoughts your way Opt!!

- Bill