She's interested in another man. You still haven't called the meeting the order. She's not attracted to you. She knows you know and you still enable it - pay for her cell phone, let her live at home, still chase her, ask her what the plan is and put up with her CB.
Who is you wife more attracted to? Where does she spend her emotional energy? Who has her positive feelings? Why isn't it you? Understand the dynamics of atttraction between a man and woman.
I had a real simple plan. Make my goals. Then map out what to do (think). If it worked I kept it if not tried something new. I didn't let my perception cloud what the process would be. Don't try to understand what your W is thinking but what she is feeling. It's very easy to change someones feelings. To do it you have to change the way they think about something.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I have now put a password on BB. Do I let W know that I know?
Hmmm, unruly teenagers as I was and now deal with are very easily tricked by reverse psychology. I would remove the password and send OMW a message that you "no longer care what your W does with HER husband, she is divorcing YOU and YOU are DONE"
Of course, leave that out for old busy body to read.
Hmm, hope you haven't been posting here off that thing.
Thanks Dday.
Actually, I have posted here from my blackberry. Not sure if she figured that out or not. I will know if she accesses this site from our home computer though.
Maybe it is a good sign that she is reading this stuff? She still cares? I also saw that she went to my facebook page a couple of days ago. Just checking-up on me I guess.
I would also appreciate any constructive feedback you are willing to give. Tell me what I did right and what I did wrong. It is the only way for me to continue to learn. Maybe I am slow, but I am only about a month into this. Try to remember where you were at this point in your sitch too. I am trying, but this is hard.
She's interested in another man. You still haven't called the meeting the order. She's not attracted to you. She knows you know and you still enable it - pay for her cell phone, let her live at home, still chase her, ask her what the plan is and put up with her CB.
Who is you wife more attracted to? Where does she spend her emotional energy? Who has her positive feelings? Why isn't it you? Understand the dynamics of atttraction between a man and woman.
I had a real simple plan. Make my goals. Then map out what to do (think). If it worked I kept it if not tried something new. I didn't let my perception cloud what the process would be. Don't try to understand what your W is thinking but what she is feeling. It's very easy to change someones feelings. To do it you have to change the way they think about something.
Cheers
I must be dense, because I don't get it.
I guess she probably is still interested in OM (chemical thing still going on?) but I don't think they have been talking, lately anyway. I busted her on this in May, but now that she has filed for D, I'm not sure what else I can do. I have let her know the OM has OW2 and she knows I am still in contact with OMW.
Once she filed for D, I set-up my own accounts and I don't pay her phone bill or for any of her personal entertainment. She does get paid $550 per week from her job, so she does have some $.
Legally, I can't force her out of the house and she has said she won't leave. Do I just be a constant ass so she will leave of her own volition? Not sure how you would propose I get her out. I don't feel it has anything to do with "letting her". If I try to remove her physically, the police will get called and then I will be out.
Is CB = constant BS?
Regarding dynamics of attraction, do you have any recommended reading on this topic? I have never been good with women. Last night I tried to listen attentively and validate, but I have also been told to just "be gone". I have been doing tons of stuff with the kids, which was one of her complaints early on.
I am more of a book smart type of guy and don't really understand the psycological aspects of this at all.
Sorry to seem so helpless, but I could use some specifics.
Made a mistake last night and left my blackberry at home last night when I went for groceries. W read an email exchange between me and OM W. She texted OM to let him know. He must have taxted back because she got some texts late last night that she said were from BF. OMW texted me this am to let me know.
Nothing new in the emails. Mostly about OM's OW2.
Quote:
I must be dense, because I don't get it.
I guess she probably is still interested in OM (chemical thing still going on?) but I don't think they have been talking, lately anyway.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
My H stood in my kitchen begging the OW on the phone to take him back after I finally called her and exposed that we were still intimate. She dropped him cold (thankfully) but his complete meltdown over her loss went on for weeks. Months later he was still pinning for her but it was not as bad.
Of course, she's still talking to him. She's begging him to choose her and he's eating it up. Three women fighting over him. His ego is at an all time high. Your W still probably believes that if she can just D you, then they can live happily ever after.
She's interested in another man. You still haven't called the meeting the order. She's not attracted to you. She knows you know and you still enable it - pay for her cell phone, let her live at home, still chase her, ask her what the plan is and put up with her CB.
Who is you wife more attracted to? Where does she spend her emotional energy? Who has her positive feelings? Why isn't it you? Understand the dynamics of atttraction between a man and woman.
I had a real simple plan. Make my goals. Then map out what to do (think). If it worked I kept it if not tried something new. I didn't let my perception cloud what the process would be. Don't try to understand what your W is thinking but what she is feeling. It's very easy to change someones feelings. To do it you have to change the way they think about something.
Cheers
I must be dense, because I don't get it.
I guess she probably is still interested in OM (chemical thing still going on?) but I don't think they have been talking, lately anyway. I busted her on this in May, but now that she has filed for D, I'm not sure what else I can do. I have let her know the OM has OW2 and she knows I am still in contact with OMW.
Once she filed for D, I set-up my own accounts and I don't pay her phone bill or for any of her personal entertainment. She does get paid $550 per week from her job, so she does have some $.
Legally, I can't force her out of the house and she has said she won't leave. Do I just be a constant ass so she will leave of her own volition? Not sure how you would propose I get her out. I don't feel it has anything to do with "letting her". If I try to remove her physically, the police will get called and then I will be out.
Is CB = constant BS?
Regarding dynamics of attraction, do you have any recommended reading on this topic? I have never been good with women. Last night I tried to listen attentively and validate, but I have also been told to just "be gone". I have been doing tons of stuff with the kids, which was one of her complaints early on.
I am more of a book smart type of guy and don't really understand the psycological aspects of this at all.
Sorry to seem so helpless, but I could use some specifics.
Thanks!
Supposedly Rihanna is coming after Chris Brown. They are saying that Chris has been real "hot" lately, noting a recent performance that must have perked her interest. Now she has to have him, I think this is what it is.
I must be dense....................... but I don't think they have been talking, lately anyway.
Who the hell do you think she's on the phone with dude?
I don't think it is him. I checked her last phone bill and there were no call from her cell to him. Also none on our home phone. His W is also checking his calls and texts. She is watching him like a hawk. I think they stopped talking about 3 weeks ago. Supposedly she is mad at him for not divorcing his own wife. They did do the text thing last night though and she lied to me about it.
I think she is on the phone with her gossip whore friend who I canfronted a while back most of the time. I hate that fing woman. She calls W 4 times a day. She also talks to her sister and I suppose some other friends. She gets home before me and gets the mail, so I don't suppose I will see another phone bill as she will destroy it. There is another way though..........
Should I bust her for texting him last night? I don't care anymore, right? If I ask her about it she will say "What is the difference, we are getting divorced anyway."
His W is also checking his calls and texts. She is watching him like a hawk. I think they stopped talking about 3 weeks ago. Supposedly she is mad at him for not divorcing his own wife.
Ok Dan, I think your progession here on yourself has blinded you.
Mmmm, excuse me: YOUR WIFE is mad at OM for not leaving HIS wife! Hello, anybody home? That could very well mean that YOUR wife is also mad at him for being stupid enough to get caught BY HIS WIFE while initiating a divorce with.....YOU. Thus, check the 'cheater forums'. What's the first thing they all do? Gee, I dunno same as mine, GET A NEW PHONE.
And her cutting off access to the mail, sorry had to giggle for sec buddy, virtually everything bleeping thing to have to with an account number in your name is now available on-line these days, including up to the minute phone records!
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
What is it with these women? I care about you as a person. You are a good person. We always have fun together when we go out. I could be friends with you forever. I love sitting around and talking with you, but I HAVE to divorce you.
WHAT THE HELL AM I MISSING HERE?
I've been reading for several months and only registered the other day because someone who posted seemed to need a reply and wasn't getting one. By the time my registration was approved, someone had already answered.
But since I am now registered, I may have something to offer in regard to your question.
When people tell us to validate their feelings, it isn't just a question of appeasement and avoiding an argument. It's a question of satisfying an emotional need that they have and we don't understand. (Well, most of us begin to understand after the bomb is dropped and we do a little research.) Our failure to satisfy this emotional need is debilitating to them emotionally. Some books characterize our failure to validate their feelings as emotional abuse, not in the sense that we did something horrible; we tried to "fix" whatever issue we were talking about when all they wanted was emotional support.
If they fail to get this support for a prolonged period, it causes them great pain and anxiety. If that is coupled with any kind of neglect, or perceived neglect from us, they detach to spare themselves the pain and anxiety the R causes them. They can intellectually recognize that we are not bad people and did nothing intentionally to hurt them, but the wall they build to protect them from the hurt also insulates them from their "connection" and attraction to us. Once that's gone, we have to work on stopping the bleeding by validating and giving the emotional support they need, but that alone does not restore the connection/attraction. That comes from becoming attractive to them again, which is not easy, particularly if they are feeling sorry for us.
Read John Gray's book, "Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improving Relationships by Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress," and talk to a DB coach, if you can swing it. They have been very helpful to me.
Of course, once there is a PA or EA, getting them attracted again becomes more complicated.
