I sat them all down over the July 4th weekend - and we talked about if they get that alarmed feeling again while with H that they needed to call me and we would get them out of the situation.
I think all of your kids are old enough to talk to him directly esp the older two. I would not get involved on their (D's)behalf unless it was truly [i][/i] dangerous [b][/b]. Even your S needs to be able to speak up for himself with his Dad. I know how hard it is for them. I also know we can wind up enabling our kids if we stick our noses in.
After all who will pay the consequences for the fake ID if he gets popped?? Your son will. Same as if he did it with friends. He needs to understand what those consequences are, and why he really wants to avoid them.
My H also did things WAYYYYYYY out of his "normal" character...which is why I told him once when he his girls refused to speak to him "You have become the person you taught your children NOT to associate with"...it was at one of his more lucid moments and he had to admit that he taught them well!
About custody...in our agreement that I wrote up...it was stated that my S had the right to request his own visits with his dad and that they would need to be mutually agreed upon my both of us...this way if H was "out there" I would not have had to mutually agree and S would not have to make that decision.
If you go the court route with it...they will take into consideration his age and his feelings...If need be I would also point out the living arrangement of H...technically he is considered under the law homeless...if you are living with someone and not paying rent that is what it is!
You are doing good...just know and accept that you will have your "days"...stay positive, laugh often (comedie shows and movies became my life for a while), stay busy, stay focused on you and your kids...you will be fine...better then fine, actually...you will feel so much better when you work through all of this and you get to the otherside...with or without your H...you will be so much emotionally healthier!
IB, there you go, girl. Watch out when a mama bear's cub might be poked. LOL!
Just a couple of thoughts. Good for you on the legal separation. It is not an option in my state, unfortunately. I wish it was. Get as much info as you can. Knowledge is power.
Anyway, I agree with my friend, Grace. All of your kids are old enough to handle their relationship with their father. It is up to them to forge whatever kind they want. It really is best if you left that up to them. Of course, whatever you need to do legally regarding your son, you should do. But for everything else, trust that you raised them to be able to handle i t.
Just make sure not to say anything negative about their father.
This is an opportunity for them, also. You are there to guide, if asked and to show them how to handle what life may throw at them with dignity and grace.
You are doing wonderfully. Just know that you will have down days, sometimes when you least expect it. And that's ok. Pick yourself back up and keep going.
Grace/Brooklyn - thanks for the advice on the kids. You are right - I need to step back and let it be theirs.
I hope I can find some better strategies not for those down days - I don't want to backslide - but I know perfection isn't possible either - so I need to use good days to figure plan of action.
Today has been interesting because H talked to me about some things he is concerned about re: S. It's funny how with a flip of a switch life turns on a dime. H is a school counselor and he has seen and counseled kids time after time whose parents have gotten D. He would always come home and talk about the damage. Now in terms of his own S - he's more of a "he'll come around in time" / another example of not the same man. I have remained polite, positive, a listener - so I'm proud of myself there. H has lost shine in his eyes -
On another note - the topic of today's Dr. Harley's Marriage Builders newsletter was "What is Sexual Addiction?" It seems so weird that not too long ago no one was talking about it - now it's everywhere! If you haven't been on Marriage Builders or Marriage Vine websites - they are helpful for standers (according to this newbie:))
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
IB, I think all WA's say that the kids will adjust and be fine.
I work at a school, too, and deal with kids from broken homes everyday. I see the damage it does.
My H, and I, also used to talk about what a D does to kids. We both were on the same page about the harm that it causes.
Now H says that they're not the first kids to go through this. They'll be fine and just need to grow up about it.
Well I hope that ow was worth it because even though they still love their father the kids no longer respect him. S23 hasn't spoken to him since he left 9 months ago. Personally, that would devastate me, but I guess I'm just wired differently.
It is hard to not "protect" our kids...but the MC that my H and I went to initially and I visited with her individually when he totally checked out told me that the relationship my children have with their father is not my responsibility...my son was 9 when H left...I felt that I needed to make sure that H was part of his life...I felt that I needed to communicate for S to H... when I finally got it...it was sooooo much easier for me and I was in a much better place to support my kids...
My oldest daughter made no effort to talk to her dad...when he came home and for about a year or so after she would speak to him if spoken to but rarely initiated any conversation that was not necessary...middle daughter would not speak to him at all for that same time period...H respected her and stayed out of her way as much as possible...She was very close to her dad and when he took the dive into the deep end she let him go...I let her work it out in her own time and with him...that was hard... youngest son was too young to understand all the dynamics involved and was fine with his dad when he was around...when he was gone S once told me that he just pretended that he didn't have a dad...that broke my heart...
Now the kids all have a good relationship with H again...but it took time...my main worry was that middle D would never forgive him but she did and things are good...but like me, I think he if pulled this type of thing again they would be done...no more to give...
IB...you are doing a good job navigating your kyak...keep going...dodge the rocks as best you can...enjoy the peace when it is there...
You sound like a great mom and trust me, your S will never forget this time!
Sorry to hijack here, but you are absolutely right. In my case, I'm not responsible for my H's relationship with the kids OR the grandkids that adored him. I've been feeling like I needed to fill both voids in their lives.
IB, you are sounding stronger and more self assured every day. You certainly have more stamina than I do.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Thanks Lin and P ~ The longer this goes I think it forces me to get stronger - don't have much of a choice. My H is really on a very lonely journey and maybe it's different in our case because as of yet he hasn't gotten into a "relationship" with one OW - I expect that to happen sometime soon, once he is "settled" - but I keep watching from afar, distancing myself from his behavior - and just feeling sad for him. I hope that isn't a sign of me being vengeful or anything - it's just that he doesn't really open up or reach out to anyone. The MC that we saw felt it was a bit of the "athletic narcissism" but it is still hard to watch. Thanks again for your kind words of support - they are so helpful!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
