Baby born, separated, WH moving overseas for OW

[Piano]

Hi guys. WH came over to my father's house today for 2hr visitation.
I made a point of greeting him at the front door (taking charge) and inviting him in with a small smile. He had picked up pastries on the way (small detail).
I made myself busy, ran some errands down the street, while he played with baby. I asked WH to call me if the baby started grizzling, which he did after 1/2hr.
We then peacefully discussed names as I fed the bub, and I showed him photos I had just had printed...he saw heaps of things he had missed out on in the last 7 weeks. He made a few positive 'oh this is a nice one' comments.
He let me know he had less work here than he thought he had & so would be going back to Europe maybe earlier than he thought.

Ouch.

I could feel the panic rise, so I ended the visit and left for my psychologist's appointment (good timing!)and WH hit the road too.

I knew it was the wrong thing to do but I called WH on his mobile and said 'why are you able to leave me and your baby like this, in this way? Don't you realise I will not be able to forgive you? It's too much for me to bear. The result of all this is that I think we will never be friends, and I think it may be even wise to never see each other ever again. They are the consequences I see today, can't you see that?'. And he said, "I am prepared to accept those consequences".

Yowch.

So I hang up and go to my counselor. Thank God for him. He reassures me when WH tells me he doesn't feel any love or commitment towards me anymore, this translates as "I am afraid of this baby and fatherhood, even if I love you and here, but I need to live as far away from you as possible because I can only do this parent thing from a distance".
I told my counselor that WH had baulked when I suggested me and baby might one day come and live in Europe soon too, and he said of course: WH's worst nightmare come true. He'd have to deal with you.
He reminded me that WH is having a crisis and has reverted to his inner child. The inner child is living in a state of chaos, which is what WH has turned his (our) current reality into. He is leaving me and his baby in a chaotic state.

I find it really hard to separate the WH script from the Truth. My WH and I both know the truth. But he will never be able to articulate it because it would open up a world of pain.

I tought I might not see WH again after this, but he is coming to another visitation tomorrow. This one was meant to involve going out and having dinner with the baby (a quick pizza). Who know''s if that has been taken off the menu. I'm curious and want to see where it goes...

Ugh. I hate this.

[Piano]

Another thing. Just picked up a CD of photos from the birth that my midwife took. Should I show WH? I know he will never ask to see them, but I feel like I will regret it if WH walks out of my life and never sees them? Or am I trying to hold onto him? I keep thinking if this is "our" baby then should he see how she came into the world?

[newmama]

Hi Piano! This is real quick but in my custody class last night they said "some involvement" from the other parent was better than no involvement! shocking to hear! I thought maybe that would be too confusing! So have you asked your IC about how much to involve your WH?

I am so impressed that you were able to peacefully discuss names with your WH! And look at pics! So I bet you could look at pics with him again, right?

Here is another tidbit- last night I went on a date and he told me the reason he broke up with his last girlfriend is that she was jealous of his kids...that his kids came before her! She was independent, career oriented, had no children but got along with his....just didn't value the the same! So keep that in mind for OW.

Last- I agree with your IC.

ok more tomorrow!!! take care, P!

[Seeing Red]

I knew it was the wrong thing to do but I called WH on his mobile and said 'why are you able to leave me and your baby like this, in this way? Don't you realise I will not be able to forgive you? It's too much for me to bear. The result of all this is that I think we will never be friends, and I think it may be even wise to never see each other ever again. They are the consequences I see today, can't you see that?'. And he said, "I am prepared to accept those consequences".

No, he's not. He's playing defense to your offense.

Mine once told me that the kids didn't add any value to his life, and if he had to do it all over again, he'd rather have the money he'd spent on them and a better lifestyle.

You know those bad old Japanese action movies where the English voiceover doesn't match the mouth movements? Think of them when WH says sh*t like this, because that's what's happening between his thoughts and his words. He's thinking one thing, spinning it, and saying something else entirely. Because it's easier to hurt you and run you off than to be a man and deal with his feelings.

My counselor reassures me when WH tells me he doesn't feel any love or commitment towards me anymore, this translates as "I am afraid of this baby and fatherhood, even if I love you and here, but I need to live as far away from you as possible because I can only do this parent thing from a distance".
I told my counselor that WH had baulked when I suggested me and baby might one day come and live in Europe soon too, and he said of course: WH's worst nightmare come true. He'd have to deal with you.
He reminded me that WH is having a crisis and has reverted to his inner child. The inner child is living in a state of chaos, which is what WH has turned his (our) current reality into. He is leaving me and his baby in a chaotic state.

This is the problem in a nutshell. WH grew up without a father, had no template to follow, thought he could handle it...but then realized he couldn't and bailed.

Note to Mr. Piano:

She's a BABY. Not a nuclear detonating device, not a Tazmania Devil (all bets off when she's a teen), not a sheep in wolf's clothing. A baby!

Yes, being a parent is hard. It's scary. It's painful. We get that you're freaking, because all of do to some degree when we become parents for the first time.

But to destroy your family rather that face your fears? That's just wrong.

I find it really hard to separate the WH script from the Truth. My WH and I both know the truth. But he will never be able to articulate it because it would open up a world of pain.

Completely understandable! You're a kind, caring SANE woman talking to a freaked out, immature, bull-in-a-china-shop MLCer. It's like pitting a bunny against a Rottweiler. The only way you can compete fairly is to morph into a Rottweiler yourself. But that would make 2 too many Rottweilers in your situation and only prolong the fight.

Ugh. I hate this.

I know, honey. We all do. But at least you have a beautiful baby girl to remind you of the good times. Focus on that and let time heel these wounds.

You know how they say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger? Girl, you're going to be INVINCIBLE by the time this is through!

[Jstar]

NM:

I am very concerned by what your class claimed. Could you find out what research based information they are basing this on?

Why I ask is having been a parent for 18 years, elementary teacher for over 10 years, and dealt with parents in the picture parents out of the picture the entire time.

In education mandated by the Feds and State everything that is good for a child is based upon well documented research.

I have seen children who have never known 1 or both of their parents, parent(s) in prision, drive by involvement to divorced and seperated parents co-parenting.

[gatsby11]

Hey P. I'm glad to hear of the cordial visit.

The result of all this is that I think we will never be friends, and I think it may be even wise to never see each other ever again. They are the consequences I see today, can't you see that?'. And he said, "I am prepared to accept those consequences".

No, he's not. He's playing defense to your offense.

Great point, Seeing Red! I think that's totally possible, P.


Your counselor is awesome and has helped me now, as well!

I find it really hard to separate the WH script from the Truth.

ME TOO. It's very hard for me not to take what my WH says for face-value. And maybe I should; I really don't know.

I hope that if you guys go for pizza, that it works well. In fact, if you do go out, I'd say he doesn't mean that he is prepared to never see you again. "is prepared", ha! The more I hear it, the more it sounds ridiculous. You either do or you don't. So he either wants to see you again or he doesn't. That language shows that he wants you to decide. Very cowardly and very indecisive, just like my WH.

Good luck!

[Piano]

Thanks for helping keep on the straight and narrow, gals! Tit for tat is what that conversation was, thanks Red for seeing it. G, yeah I don't always know what to think about WH's 'script' - sometimes I think it's a mixture of lies and truths and halftruths, dunno. NM, that's what they keep telling me...some involvement is important and as the Mother I should do my best to include WH no matter what he's done to me... not only is it hard to do when you are hurt and angry, it just seems pathetic to have to enable 'drop in/drop out' fathers. But it seems the research says it IS better than nothing!

WH came over tonight and together, he and I named the little Tasmanian Devil ! Yay! Finally, bub has a name!
I feel I made the right decision to chose it with WH (in spite of everything the rotter is doing, ugh) and that her name didn't not get enmeshed in our politics. He stayed for a few hours, mostly we hung out in my room, played with baby, went for a brief walk and posted the name documents, looked at more photos.. There were a couple of the birth itself that accidently came up on screen - I don't know who was more freaked, him or I. I think it was me!!! (WH didn't want to come to the birth because he didn't want to be in an "intimate space" with me, the a$$!). He also offered to photoshop some for me, and has a file on his computer of shots he wants to give me.

To be honest gals, apart from the name breakthrough, it was a rather boring night. Given we can't talk about anything outside the baby (because I am likely to hurl something at him), it's dull. But AT LEAST it was 100% peaceful with not a cross word spoken.

WH just sent me a text saying "Thank you, wife".

I texted back C U tomorrow.

WH is accompanying me to the hospital tomorrow for an important baby checkup.

[LSG]

Hi Piano,

I think "bub" is cute. I know can't stay "bub" forever. That is great you were able to name him together. I like how you refer to him as a "little Tasmanian devil" too.

Your post while not meant to be humorous has so much humorous ways you say what you have to say.

I am very sorry you are have some many issues with your H, but I am glad to see that at least your post have light-hearted feel about them.

Way to go with the visit from H for your little "bub."

[Piano]

Thanks LSG. I guess sometimes it helps to laugh when things are so crap.

So, WH comes with me and mum to little bub's hospital visit. Not a great visit. Turns out she has to wear a harness (will spare you the details - needless to say nothing serious just a mega hassle).

He cries about 5 times. Once over our bub, I think. Mostly over sick kids we see passing in the hallway. He's so emotional.

Mum is great. It all feels normal. In fact, feels like old times. Which feels a bit boring (what does that say?). One time I completely lose myself and call him 'babe'. Cripes!!! I hope he thinks I have said "baby", talking about ours.

I ask him at the end when he wants to see bub again, and he says Wednesday next week. That's 5 days away!!!!

Says he is busy until then (kinda true).

Expected him to ring tonight to see how she is doing. Doesn't happen.

Have to remember not to pursue him. Not to expect much from him in terms of fatherhood.

[gatsby11]

Wow. This is very different from the WH you saw before he went back to Europe, right? Even if nothing in particular happened with the OW, perhaps just the time and space got him to realize some things.

I know what you mean about things feeling like old times. And about it feeling a bit boring!

On a positive note, about the Wednesday thing, if he said it right away, it shows he was thinking about when he would be able to see her again.

So bub really is okay, it's just a hassle? I hope wearing the harness isn't too uncomfortable for her!