So, you don't have GPS capability. It's not the end of the world.
You are OBSESSING over this. I want to clarify the whole "you only get one shot at this," since I'm pretty sure that came from me.
When I say this, I'm referring more to the MINDSET of confrontation/exposure, and the overall STRATEGY, more than I am to any specific list of TACTICS, or even their order. When I see others blow it, they do things like:
- reveal the source of their intel;
- get too specific with what they know, instead of saying "I know all about... ," thereby giving the cheating spouse the opportunity to spin the specifics;
- go all "melty man" at the first bone the cheating spouse throws them;
- are not patient in gathering their intel and building their plan, and instead confront incrementally, with shaky evidence, that sounds more like half-baked accusations than the "shock-and-awe" confront-and-expose it's meant to be;
- don't have their legal ducks in a row;
- don't have their financial ducks in a row;
- aren't prepared with what their consequences are going to be; what is the "or else" part of the boundary-laying;
- generally come off as more begging and pleading and accusatory, than as a calm, confident, STRONG leader.
Those are my normal concerns. If you've got those covered (and I think you do), then don't sweat the small stuff (timing, etc.). You can make small tactical errors and still be OK! Remember:
There is power in her not knowing what you know, and what you DON'T know, and if you convey the "I know all about" speech and DON'T let her drag you into giving specifics of what you know or the source(s) of your intel . . . then she will have to assume YOU KNOW EVERYTHING, and she'll have to play her cards accordingly.
'I hope what you're doing is worth it. I've been thinking about this alot. I deserve better than this. We'll have some details to discuss briefly. They'll be big changes when you get back'
I think an atty, not a mediator, is who you need to run the papers by. A mediator only works with couples who are divorcing on a non-contested basis, who are in broad agreement (no fight for custody, for example), and just need to negotiate teh dollar amounts, visitation schedule, etc.
I would seek the counsel of a good family law atty, preferably one who specializes in "men's rights" and paternal custody issues. You may get one to take an hourly rate from you to review the papers, instead of a large retainer that they would want if and when you definitely want to pursue divorce.
Scared for my D. But I know if she was older she'd support me. I'm doing the right thing by standing up for me and our family-even if the family is just D and I.
I wouldn't want to ge tto the end of my life and not be able to say "I tried everything I could to save my marriage"
Scared for my D. But I know if she was older she'd support me. I'm doing the right thing by standing up for me and our family-even if the family is just D and I.
I wouldn't want to ge tto the end of my life and not be able to say "I tried everything I could to save my marriage"
Other than the excemtion on the house, (which will leave her broke), I'm pretty OK with everything else.
But the custody thing bothers me. It was agreed 50/50 but the A and OM (D's exposure to an almost guaranteed failure) has me concerned as she shouldn't be exposed to him on equal time with me. It will confuse her.
Glad I could be here for you but am REALLY glad Puppy is here to help you with the exposure type stuff. I have no expertise in that, obviously!
(I'm in Central time, btw, just am a late nighter.)
As for me being in a better place than you, well, there are several reasons for that. #1. A PA is much harder to deal with than EA, for sure. #2. Unfortunately, I've been in this position before and have had years of Dobson under my belt to help me cope! My 1st H cheated on me and it was terrible... My current H of almost 20 years had a cyber-affair a long time ago. Before that, we were separated one for a couple of months. SO... I'm a veteran at dealing with infidelity. I wish I'd have known about "Exposure" a long time ago though! That, I'm just learning about.
