Near WAW with EA - almost textbook sich

[Puppy Dog Tails]

W keeps trying to emphasize point that she has already moved on....is already gone and I am just now catching up. She really believes that she DID give me signs in the past and tried to tell me she was unhappy but I did not see it. I do know that she never drew any line in the sand or actually said she was unhappy in marriage.

SCRIPT. This is what waywards do to justify their affairs, and running away from their marriages. It's called "re-writing marital history."

Puppy

[Piano]

My WH (in affair) words to me exactly.

[doing my best]

OK....I am thankful for the feedback because it is confirming my own thoughts and now understand why it cannot get it out of my head.

We did talk about her old BF again (this is deep because they were almost engaged in college 24 years ago). She assures me over and over she HAS NOT had any contact with him. Not with his family and would not want a relationship even if there was an opportunity. I ask her if she understands what an emotional affair is and if she has read anything on that subject. She says
no. I suggest she may want to Google the term and read about it. She says she is not interested in doing that. Says I do not understand her position with old BF and while she still does have feelings for him they are not in the way of her healing
and our relationship progress. After everything I have read about EA's I am not so sure and still believe this is an area that really needs to be explored further by neutral MC. I ask her why she gets so irritated when I bring him up. She says because she does not want to think about him...calls me "Einstein" in regards to this concept. I bring up one key to the EA symptom and mention that she probably did discuss intimate details about our relationship which most
likely I would not want her to discuss. She agrees but says he discussed details of his broken relationship. She admits she still does miss him and miss talking to him. I also ask how after 3000 text messages in 2/12 months, she can go
cold-turkey. She says because she has been told by me and MC not to have contact during this process. I remind her that I asked her....not told.

Have asked MC during today's session or next with just her in room to explore and explain the dynamics of an EA and how it may still be blocking any progress even though she may not realize it. She does admit to me she HOPES she can get over her feelings for old BF and she does not want to think about him. Irritated
because I keep bringing him up.

I see that it is EA script and that you folks have confirmed that. Hope that MC can see that and expose this for better or worse.

That is all to report for now.

DMB

[Coach]

If she doesn't want to work on the marriage then let her go. Come up with a plan (finances, custody) after discussing with a L. Help her pack, agree this isn't working. Stop talking about your M. You are trying to fix her - Einstein. STOP!

Get ahead of her on wanting out, watch her change when you stop pursuing. Never chase a cat. Let the cat come to you.

[doing my best]

One more thing as we cannot financially afford to physically separate....I have been offering up the concept of space/separation opportunities.

For example I have set up a weekend trip for her to the beach this weekend. Thought it would give her the chance to decompress...for her to be by herself. Will bring kids up Sunday morning to have a family time and try to live in the moment and have fun. End of month we are going to visit her sister they live on an 80 acre farm. I will fly back after a few days and she will have 10 days without me....just her and the kids visiting family. She is not sure it will be enough but thankful for the space.

Her concept of a physical sep is classic and would be somewhere in town...allowing her a chance to be on her own and yet still see and date me. See if we have what it takes. Would still hold fidelity and not go out or pursue other relationship. Wants the kids with her during school week and me on the weekends. I tell her no and that her decision to separate and move out is her decision and that the kids stay in their own BR's. She said they will....just have 2 places.

Need some advice her on how to create the space and separation she desires but still under same roof. Really do not understand the benefit of moving into a true phys sep. Can't do it anyway financially. She says that seeing me everyday does still remind her of the "hurt" and that she feels the need to remove herself. Obviously it has only been 3 weeks since I turned the give her space stop the pursuit "corner". I realize reading the DR and this blog that if she truly can now work towards friendship and my changes become real....then given time this position will soften.

Of course there is still the EA and feeling for old BF to contend with. But if we can (she can) get past those and recognize them for what they are....I believe I could have a classic DB situation to at least dig my teeth into.

DMB

[doing my best]

Got it Coach. Thanks for the reminder on pursuit and calling me out on that.

DMB

[gman]

just curious - what are YOU doing for YOU during all of this? are you actively trying to GAL?

"don't chase the cat, let the cat come to you" - great words of advise!

[doing my best]

GMAN....

Good question. I have gotten involved in my music. Learned to play bass a few months ago and now am actively involved in church praise team band. Have been asked to paly at other churches as substitute. That is getting me out.

I have work and have thrown my name in the hat for some marketing overnights this fall.

Have been exercising....eating right and with that, stress, and meds...have lost 15 - 20 pounds and built some muscle. Last night W actuall asked me to wear a specific tighter shirt that I have been loath to wear over the years...I did and think I looked pretty good.

I have a habit change list that I follow and so working on myself with changes that I will need for my growth. Doing a lot of self help reading and trying to expand my mind and spirit. Actually like direction I am headed in many ways.

I do need to move further into GAL (getting a life) especially now that W's position on where she is has become more defined.

At this point....especially after last night will stop and avoid all M and R conversations....unless she brings it up. If that happens need to let her do most of the talking. I believe I have told her too much which already.

DMB

[Puppy Dog Tails]

One more thing as we cannot financially afford to physically separate....I have been offering up the concept of space/separation opportunities.

For example I have set up a weekend trip for her to the beach this weekend. Thought it would give her the chance to decompress...for her to be by herself. Will bring kids up Sunday morning to have a family time and try to live in the moment and have fun. End of month we are going to visit her sister they live on an 80 acre farm. I will fly back after a few days and she will have 10 days without me....just her and the kids visiting family. She is not sure it will be enough but thankful for the space.

More FIXING.

You're trying to FIX her, and trying to TEACH her. The first is NEVER a good idea, and the second can't be done in her current (still emotionally attached to OM) state.

Her current fantasy/mindset/"offer" (live side-by-side, separated, with you purusing her to see how that "feels" to her) is a hot mess. Don't encourage it.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

P.S.

I think it's a great idea to let the MC deal with the other stuff. How pro-marriage is this MC? Any specific experience dealing with infidelity?