I understand exactly where you're coming from Sandi. I've been mistaking her willingness to go to MC as reconciling to make our marriage work, when instead it's just acted as a way for her to work through all the issues. The core problem is that she doesn't love me anymore, and may never. As much as I want that to change, nothing I've been doing can/will change that. Only she can.

I've learned so much in the last month. I've discovered a lot about myself, my kids, and my wife. It's truly been an epiphany, and I'm glad for it. Now it's time for me to act as I thought I would when I was growing up.

I want a healthy relationship with God. This I'm working on for the first time in my life.

I want a healthy relationship with my children. This is something I've neglected in part by the R I have with my W. My children deserve to see that a loving relationship is just that. Not a sterile, loveless cohabitation plan.

I want to be healthier and more physically active. Getting in shape has been such a wonderful blessing the last month, giving me the confidence that I can change destructive habits and make a positive impact on my health.

I want to pursue my second career (writing), and eventually have it replace my current job. This I'm so excited to do, but time and stress are getting in the way.

I want a loving, caring, intimate relationship. I haven't had this with my wife since the first year or so. Whether it's just bad communication, bad timing, her inability to be loved due to abuse or my insecurity, it just didn't work. No one's to blame, but persisting in the same behaviour while expecting different results is the definition of insanity.

When I got done with my chemo and surgery, one of my mantras was "life is too short." I had lost a niece to murder, and had my own brush with the grim reaper, yet somehow I fell back into the same relationship trap with my W.

Now it's time to be strong, make the tough decisions that need to be made. I know what I need to do, and need to do it for myself, my kids, and in a sense, for my W.

Someone on this board had the most beautiful prayer, that I'm going to borrow because reading it gave me such peace, such relief:

"Here, you take her. I've done my best, Father," I cried. "You made her, and as much as I love her, you love her more than I ever could, and I know you will never forsake her. Please continue to soften her heart, and please take care of her until she decides to do so."

Maybe she'll straighten herself out and realize what we could have. I just can't hold my heart and my breath for any longer.