Hi guys. WH came over to my father's house today for 2hr visitation. I made a point of greeting him at the front door (taking charge) and inviting him in with a small smile. He had picked up pastries on the way (small detail). I made myself busy, ran some errands down the street, while he played with baby. I asked WH to call me if the baby started grizzling, which he did after 1/2hr. We then peacefully discussed names as I fed the bub, and I showed him photos I had just had printed...he saw heaps of things he had missed out on in the last 7 weeks. He made a few positive 'oh this is a nice one' comments. He let me know he had less work here than he thought he had & so would be going back to Europe maybe earlier than he thought.
Ouch.
I could feel the panic rise, so I ended the visit and left for my psychologist's appointment (good timing!)and WH hit the road too.
I knew it was the wrong thing to do but I called WH on his mobile and said 'why are you able to leave me and your baby like this, in this way? Don't you realise I will not be able to forgive you? It's too much for me to bear. The result of all this is that I think we will never be friends, and I think it may be even wise to never see each other ever again. They are the consequences I see today, can't you see that?'. And he said, "I am prepared to accept those consequences".
Yowch.
So I hang up and go to my counselor. Thank God for him. He reassures me when WH tells me he doesn't feel any love or commitment towards me anymore, this translates as "I am afraid of this baby and fatherhood, even if I love you and here, but I need to live as far away from you as possible because I can only do this parent thing from a distance". I told my counselor that WH had baulked when I suggested me and baby might one day come and live in Europe soon too, and he said of course: WH's worst nightmare come true. He'd have to deal with you. He reminded me that WH is having a crisis and has reverted to his inner child. The inner child is living in a state of chaos, which is what WH has turned his (our) current reality into. He is leaving me and his baby in a chaotic state.
I find it really hard to separate the WH script from the Truth. My WH and I both know the truth. But he will never be able to articulate it because it would open up a world of pain.
I tought I might not see WH again after this, but he is coming to another visitation tomorrow. This one was meant to involve going out and having dinner with the baby (a quick pizza). Who know''s if that has been taken off the menu. I'm curious and want to see where it goes...
