Near WAW with EA - almost textbook sich

[doing my best]

So this is where we are.....conversations over the past 2 nights....

W says she has one foot out the door. Left the marriage in October 2009 and has already moved on. Says she is "committed to working on our relationship" but that means only going to counseling and offering herself to me for talks and conversations.

W says it is important for me to understand where she is and that she has a lot of hurt from our 18 years together. Sees nothing good from past relationship. Says she is looking for spiritual soul growth and believes we were put together for a reason but thinks that it is time to move on. No growth opportunities. Is glad to see me growing and changing but thinks it may be too late for us....however, not sure.

W says she is willing to work on a friendship with me but nothing more. Sees that we can remain friends no matter what happens but also says too much water under the bridge for anything else to happen.

Says she wants love but does not think I can provide it to her. I say that I could provide that love but have been holding back while I reassess my feelings. I say that I feel something such as caring love but need to make sure my other feelings of attraction to her are real and not based on fear of loss. I do love her but do not want to say yet. Although I do tell her I think I love her.

W says if we could afford separation then she would leave today. Not divorce but a chance to be on her own. Wants to stay in town and set up a structured sep like a divorce. Wants to have kids during week and not leave them. Says that she still has a lot of hurt and pain seeing me everyday when I walk in door even though no more angry outbursts and disrespectful comments. Feels scars of unemotional relationship with me and believes only solution is to not see me everyday. I have offered separation opportunities but not sure if that is good enough.

W says it is the little things that I am doing that make a difference but does not believe that I can truly change after 22 years. Believes that I am who I am with my inability to show/share emotions and feelings. I tell her that I would love to show and share now but do not want to smother her.

W has no emotional connection to me. Says she has dropped the resentment and hate but now feels nothing towards me and does not understand why any positive feelings have come in to replace the negative. Believes that she is emotionally spent and has nothing more to offer our R and M. Says she is not willing to gamble that I can find my soul and reconnect. Does not want to expend any energy on me but wants to use that energy towards working on herself. Says that I should continue working on myself....she continues working on her self....she will commit to working on R but needs me to understand that possibility for her to also leave in the end if she cannot get feelings back are very real.

For me....I try to agree with her as much as possible. I tell her that I will continue to work on self with or without her but would love it to be with her in "next relationship". She does say she is willing to stay as long as she sees some growth but that even then I need to understand that she could still decide to leave. She wants a partner that will challenge her and help her grow spiritually (not in Christian sense but overall soul sense....meta-physical)

She believes that our children will be OK because they will still have us and will see that we can work through problems even if we separate. Believes we will still be able to provide loving atmosphere separately. I tell her kids are better off with mom/dad as husband/wife. That we are not in a destructive or abusive R. That we should look for a way to work through this and still keep the family together. She is not so sure and pretty much disagrees.

I at least feel now that I have more of a framework to apply DB strategy. If she is to the point of wanting to work on our friendship and we cannot financially afford to separate....then I have time.

W keeps trying to emphasize point that she has already moved on....is already gone and I am just now catching up. She really believes that she DID give me signs in the past and tried to tell me she was unhappy but I did not see it. I do know that she never drew any line in the sand or actually said she was unhappy in marriage. She just herself decided to GAL and move on without me 7 months ago.

She is pretty determined to continue path out door. I thank her for giving me another chance and that working on our friendship is all that I can ask for now. I am glad we cannot afford a separation but I do tell her that if I could I would allow her to leave and accept her decision. She is happy that at least now "I get it".

So....is it too late? I believe that despite the devastating info and position we are in....that it has to be possible to turn this around if I can adapt the DB strategies....she is willing to work on friendship and do fun things with me and kids and not able to actually leave physically. Not sure though.

Any input?

DMB