Pie, I am really sorry that happened. Look, cut him out of your life. He will either be happy or come running back. Either way you win. You can't set back and play his game. Your life is your game. You control what you do and how you feel. If he is hurting you then cut him out. Then he has to make a decision instead of just doing what he wants. I think that you guys are in control. You let your ex control your emotions by letting them do what they want. Tell them you are busy. Tell them you are done. What ever it takes to make them make a choice. Waiting for them is a stratagy but when they know that you are there waiting there is no hurry in their game. There is no emergancy. They know they have you and you will be there. That will not work. Be gone. Yes, you might lose them but you were going to anyway. Let them lose you. You have to shift the control to your side or be his puppet. Read about boundaries. Read other posts. Tell him no. Make him make a choice. If it is not the one you want it doesn't matter, people change their minds. But don't be his puppet any more. Leave him. Tell him to get lost. He knows that he has you. I was the same way. If you want to really have you decision made then tell him to get lost. He will either leave or come begging back trying to reconcile. This might not be dbing but what I am saying is true. He might leave you for good and he might be scared enough to come running back but are you happy now wondering every day what will happen. Take control and make him make a choice.
Finally over the weekend managed to find my footing again! Feeling ok again! YAY! This rollercoaster of emotions that set me off in a tailspin is really driving me nuts tho. Even despite a curvball of jelousy-inducing information was flung my way on Sat. Read on dear friends, read on
Been reading about my star sign again and my horoscope and generally connecting with myself again, and in doing so, feel that love for myself that I lose when the wind gets knocked out of me every now and then I really love being a pisces, its the only sign I'd want to be, so I guess that means... I love me A good feeling
Friday night BF came over to make me dinner, H had visited a bit too while BF was there, strange that we all get along together like we used to, as if nothings happened? Weird...Had a wonderful eve tho, really enjoying myself again!
H then went over to my BGF's H house to watch a game with 'the men', and afterwards they all went to a bar on the other side of the city, so that H could buy his PA a birthday drink that he promised.....mmmm....red flag did I hear you all say? Yes indeed. All the men go nuts for her at work, and H would go on and on about how shes SO not his type, not enough class , tatoos which he hates etc. I was thinking tho doth protesteth too much?
I find it strange that he actually told me about it on Saturday morning, saying that he felt sorry for her that she didnt earn much, and thats why he bought her some drinks...I hated hearing it ofcourse, a huge jealous lead ball hit the bottom of my stomach, and it took every ounce of energy I had to look completely unfazed Getting good at that:) Or getting good at recovering, cause I have more self love now! I think he just didnt want me to hear it from my BF.
OH well. Red flags. Hate them She's a huge flirt at work, tried to manuiplutae the men she thinks she can, but thank god somethings developed within me now saying, I can't compete with that, why should I even try, I'm gorgeous in a different way. She's the opposite of me. Loud, flirty, bold, oh and 10 years younger.
I know what you are all problbly saying, and no, I wont be surprised if somethings been going on there, just dont want to go there with my head tho. So a big stop sign gets put there instead If I DO however find out that they've been doing the naughty monkey dance together, I dont think I could forgive and forget, so maybe the day I stop posting is when you all know I've been enlightened with a specific piece of information!
Sunday met my BF and another friend for breakfast at a cute gardeny cottage, H had taken S to Aquarium for couple hours (he came in looking drop dead gorgeous, I'm so nutty for him still oh dear), so I was enjoying my break. H looked a little frazzled and irritated when he dropped S off 3 hours later, its those times I think he realizes what hard work it is! He said he was off for a bike ride, and would come and fetch him again for another couple hours while I had dinner at a friends house (seems like he's making an effort to help more with S, which was one of the things I said I held resentment over when we split). So I had a nice dinner and came home feeling just peachy!
This morning H comes in to pick up S, says he'll have a present for me later today, his old Mac laptop which I always drooled over. Said it was dropped and now has a ding, and would like me to have it now cause he cant sell it. It would have been more tactful if he had left the last detail out tho LOL!
Anyway, happy about that
Think I'm just being able to bounce back a bit better, cause I know that I'm ok, and I'll be ok , and that life still is fun, it does go on.
I also realized that people CAN change. And I think he has changed, and his needs have changed, and for some reason I'm at peace that its his life, his decision, and I'm sort of ok if he feels like he doesnt want me. Not as affected by rejection as I was. Dont know why. Now this is a feeling I can get on board with.
But I will always love him. Maybe not be inlove..eventually, but will love him.
Something else I realised, from the middle of last year onwards I started being more upfront about my needs - wanting him to spend more time with S, so that I could have a break, also letting me know when he'd be late home from work etc. I've only just put two and two together that he saw this as me 'sinking my claws into him' as he put it. This was somthing he said to me just after the speech. I was horrified, I've been the most accepting, loving, generous wife, and yet somehow he saw me as someone with claws? Anyway, I knew then that perceptions were clearly screwed up He saw it as control I think? Dunno Someone needs to write a manual...oh wait ...they did! Divirce busting!!!
And besides, he started treating me quite badly last year, think he just coulnt cope anymore, he was getting annoyed and irritated with me, and just mean sometimes. And I'm glad that we are at the point where he's calmer and nicer, and treating me better (most days anyway), somedays he has a little anger/irritation in his voice. Theres nothing like being stuck under the same roof with someone who seems to hate you! Picture a peacful soft pisces and a angry stinging scorpio...lash lash lash..... So I'm glad I'm free of that feeling! Grateful.
Well, feeling a little blue this morning. H whisked in this morning to fetch S for school. He basically came in got S and left. Not a 'how are you?' or anything to that effect. Almost as if I wasnt there
I get an angry undercurrent from him, even though I havnt done/said anything wrong
Its like I'm just so insignifigant to him, its like I'm the enemy, and all I've ever done is be nice to him
Par4me, thank you for your advice. must admit, I HATE this feeling of being so 'under his thumb'. I wish I could just tell him to P*ss off and make a choice. I really do. I've thought about it so many times. Problems are a.) I'm a gentle person by nature, and I've been letting him get away with walking over me for so long, I dont know how to do it b.) I'm terrified of unleashing his angry scorpio fury, I hate being hated , cause I'm a soft loving soul c.) If he's in a MLC he might just go away and stop having anything to do with S4 completely, ie I push him over the edge.
I dont want to make things worse than they are, somedays REALLY feel like progress, so I'm scared of having gotten this far only to muck it up. I'm wanting to try the tolerance,then friends,then romance, then R thing. But think I'm wavering between the tolerance/frienship stages. And I KNOW its ALL about patience. So I'm scared to lose my patience and set that ultimatum...you know?
Really get so confused as to what to do.....just sticking with the path of least resistance for now, knowing that it could lead somewhere....
Guys, please help here, how do you decide which approach to take, and I don't know at this point if there is OW, how do you decide between going dark or being friends first, romance second etc ?
You just decide, I don't want to be responsible or feel like I killed your relationship. Your are a gentle soul. People like you in my opinion are the ones that take it and take it and then finally quit. There is no getting back. He will have no chance after you get sick of this long enough. I think it is almost an injustice to him not to let him know what you are thinking. I am not like you. My wife is more like you. She took and took until she was so fed up that it was had to reconcil, to much hurt. She told me yesterday that she wants to make it work. God, I hope so. I am going to change my ways and keep on changing. Why, because of the fear of losing my family. I am a man and I am a man's man. I took no crap from my wife. This has been a very humbling experince. It sounds like a similar situation. It may not be. That is why you must decide what to do. But I see your type all the time, you set back and hurt and hurt for years before you get up the courage to do something about it and then it is to late for the marriage because your mind is made up. It is not a bad quality. To this point all my serious girlfriends have been like you. You will reach your breaking point and there is no amount of changing that he can do because you are broken, you are done. Give him a chance to change. That is my advice.
Hi Par4me, did she leave you or the other way round? He left me, and really doesnt want to reconcile at all. He believes we'll be happier people apart. I have told him I want to work on the marriage, he's living his own independent life now
You are so blessed that she even asked to work on it, I know its because you decided you'd had enough too and let her know.
This morning, his pretty secretary (young and hot) is going in for an operation, I'm 99% sure he's taken her to the hospital (he says he feels sorry for her having not many friends here cause she just moved her), but it still send red flags waving madly....
Last night he came round, brought me a present- his old mac laptop, and a music CD I liked, and a bottle of red wine to give to my mom as a present for her birthday. And this morning he brought me coffee. He's doing nice things again, but how do you know if its progress (baby steps) or guilt over everything? Par4me, since you may be similar personalities - what do you think?
Have a horrible pit in my stomach. I really suck at this
I have told him a while ago I'd be fine with the divorce, that I didnt want it, but I'd be fine with it, I suppose this isnt the same as saying I'm done hey?
I suppose I'm just petrified that If I say I'm done, he'll say ok thats fine, so am I, and that will be the end, and he'll see me as a bitter fed up person, rather than the caring loving person I am. Am I insane?
She told me that she was coming back this weekend. Problem is I don't believe her. She is married to OM that she just met. She got in trouble in Dallas. I feel like I am a last resort. He mom told me the apartment complex that she is living told her she had to leave because she was asking people for pills. She left me. I was tired of it and went out and dated. I guess I hurt her. She did the same and started taking pills again then she married someone that she barely knew. Supposedly they are not getting alone and now she says that she wants to come back that her place is with me. I just don't believe that she does. I think that she is just using me again. I told we could go to MC and she said she wanted that. I really believe that I won't hear a workd from her this week and then she will call and say something happened. I just can't understand her. I know that I am not even suppose to try.
Par4me, sorry I havnt replied - been out of town a while, and just felt like giving my mind a break from the whole sitch! I dont' blame you for not trusting her motives, but at the same time, they may very well be genuine, and if it were me I would give her just oone more chance, but I suppose that really depends on whether you've had the last straw or not, which we all do eventually....let me know what the latest is. I'll look for your sitch.
For me things have changed slightly, dont know if they are classified as baby steps , or just the natural progression of two married people accepting the seperation , but H has become more comfortable around me, he was always a little stiff, but he's loosened up a bit, and even comes nearer to me, which he just couldnt do before. He (for a few days anyway) started signing off his texts with a smiley face, which was different, progress? And he started trying hard to do really nice things for me, bringin round cds for me, bringing wine, buying us takeout and eating it together. S and I spent a day out at the river with him and his friends (our old circle friends that sort of stuck to his side, cause its his childhood friend),it was VERY different to the usual, or the couple times I've been before.
I drove up just for one day, they had all stayed overnight, I arrived in the morning and he and S were waiting there for me, usually he just lets me come find him. Then when we were on the boat he asked if I was ok, not too cold - usually doesn't ask. He actually came to sit closeish to me on the boat. Sat next to me at lunch, could have sat elsewhere, dunno, just a change, he was at ease.
And then he offered to drive me and S back home, which he avoided before. Dunno, could be nothing, not getting hopes up.
For now, I'm quite happy to just be his friend, I'm hoping that things find their way back to love.
The anger seems to be gone now, and the coldness...fingers crossed it stays that way!!!
I've totally dropped the rope, I never approach him for anything really, I've just completely let him be, and I'm carrying on with making my life more joyful for me, and thats where I'm at now. I think he may just be totally relieved that the pressure is off, and he wants to stay my friend , as he mentioned at the beginning with the speech.
The thing thats changed for me now, is that I'm happy to be his friend, I enjoy his company (when he's not mr meanie pants), and we are comfortable with eachother, one of the reasons I fell in love with him, he was just so easy to be around, and we clicked straight away. Ofcourse I still can't help staring at his gorgeous face, and thinking, I miss you, you gorgeous man, are you still in there somewhere?
I'm seeing more of the 'old him' that I havnt seen in about 6 months, is that good in terms of MLC/depression?
Time to hop in the shower and go meet my 2 gf's for a good ol chinwag at the coffee shop round the corner
Well, still plodding along...H came to fetch S for school, came about 20 mins earlier than usual,cause he couldnt visit last night,he sat at the kitchen counter while I made S lunch for school, he was a little quieter than usual, the silence really gets to me, so I find myself trying to fill the gaps....oh dear, I know I'm supposed to let him lead any conversation, but I squirm when theres silence, its sheer torture!!! I asked him how work was going : 'its fine'. Hows your mom? Shes fine. mmmm. I knew to stop trying right there, so had to just cope with the horrible silence eek! He made me a cup of coffee, which i thanked him for, and he joked that hes at least useful for something...argh. He feels bad about himself
So then to try combat the silence I started talking to S, and getting him ready for school. Wasnt a wonderful morning
Later in the day I sent him an email saying thanks for the cd he lent me and I joked it was so good he might not get it back. He replied with a double smile (yay!) and agreed it was awsome, said I had to see them live like he did, to which i replied I,ll put it on my bucket list (with a smiley), and he replied laughing thought it was funny, the bucket list So good banter there, at least.
Feeling awful today, have gone off the pill which I was on for years and years, and have headache, dizzy nauseous etc. argh...
She's a huge flirt at work, tried to manuiplutae the men she thinks she can, but thank god somethings developed within me now saying, I can't compete with that, why should I even try, I'm gorgeous in a different way. She's the opposite of me. Loud, flirty, bold, oh and 10 years younger.