This is my first time on the "night shift" here. Can't sleep so may as well do something constructive, right?!
I agree with you as far as feeling like we are missing something. The whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" crap just never really sat very good with me. I understand the theory behind it; they aren't attracted to us, they don't respect us anymore. We have to get that back. But what if they are stuck in this fantasy land and anything we do doesn't matter? The financial realities hit home and then they sweep them aside. It is maddening.
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That is part of our problem She has very bad separation anxiety and would never leave the kids, so we very rarely went out alone as a couple for 10 years. I was and am OK with that as I really wanted to spend my time with her anyway. She apparently is not ok with that and feel she has missed years of her life that she is now seemingly trying to make up for. CAn you say unruly teenager?
Same here. After we had the twins, my W would not let them out of her sight. As they got older, we would occasionally go out and end up coming home early because she was worried about them. Then the little girl came along and more of the same. What about the fourth one? Same thing. Only now it was, "we can't afford a sitter for four kids." So, we each agreed to stay home and be with the kids and our time would come later.
When she first got involved with the school board and such, I thought it was a good idea for her to get out of the house and be around other adults and relax without the kids. It evolved to what it is now and I saw it coming but was too scared and unsure of myself to put a stop to it. I thought, it's my wife. I love her and she loves me. She would never do anything like that, I am just being jealous and imagining things. So, I bottled it up inside and when it came out, I was a whining, crying mess, ready to believe whatever she told me. She continued to confirm my suspicions all the while telling me I was being paranoid.
She started acting like a teenager, like you said; dressing sexier than she ever had, going out drinking and partying, calling in sick to work because she was hung-over. All the signs were ther and I would not call her on any of it. If I did, it was weak, like 'don't you think you should come home a little earlier' something like that. I didn't understand about boundaries. I thought the boundaries were automatically there and understood. They always were for me.
Jeez, enough about me. It does not make any sense, any of it. I guess that's why we have to let go and completely detach. We are not dealing with someone who is rational. Like you, I can't seperate what is best for me with what is best for the kids. Not to lesson your pain, but I have four to think about. It is just overwhelming.
I want to build a better M. I know you do, too. Hell, that's what we are all here for, isn't it? We can't do it alone. If nothing wakes her up, what other choice do we have? Be the best we can with our kids and love them hard enough that they will know, when they are older, that we did all we possibly could to keep the family together. It's little consolation now, but it's all that I can look forward to. I have mourned the loss of my W and M and if it were just she and I, at this point, I would tell her, "don't let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya!" I would never think about her again. It's the truth. Anyone who would treat me the way she has doesn't deserve a second thought. But with children in the picture, we can never be completely done with that person. They will be in our lives forever. To me, that sucks. I don't even know this person and what I do know of her, I don't like at all.
Stay the course as you are. Let her go and feel the backlash of her actions. Don't rescue her any longer. Advice I have to follow myself.
It does not make any sense, any of it. I guess that's why we have to let go and completely detach. We are not dealing with someone who is rational. Like you, I can't seperate what is best for me with what is best for the kids. Not to lesson your pain, but I have four to think about. It is just overwhelming.
