I didn't see your earlier post or I would have scripted out for you, but I did try to script it in my head. Not thoroughly enough though, apparently.
Also, we have each opened our own accounts, so it is impossible for one of us to manage all of the $ at this point. It would be a good idea if we still had a joint account.
Thought I would come home and talk to W about what is a fair split of the bills. She didn't want any of it, wouldn't agree and said, can't I just pay a bill when I have money?
So it starts like this. I get home and she is cleaning up from having dinner with the kids. I am home by 6pm, but she never waits. They are generally done with dinner by the time I get home. Not always, but probably most of the time.
So, I eat a piece of leftover frozen pizza and a hot dog. I never complain about it, I just find myself soomething to eat and get on with the night.
I go upstairs and change clothes and W is doing some laundry. I ask her if she told D that this would be done in 2 months? She says no, I never said that, acting like this will take much longer. I said, oh, that is what D said you told her. I thought that meant maybe you thought we could work this out without going to court. W - No, I never said that.
Me: Did you tell D that they would spend 50% of the time with you and 50% of the time with me? Because that is what D said? No, I didn't say that, but I did say it was a possibility.
Then she got into questions the kids have been asking. S wants to know if we will still be able to spend family time together and go to Florida again together. W says probably not, but we may have lunch together or something like that.
D wants to know all of the details. She has lots of questions, as I experienced on a recent evening. S is more top level.
So I ask her if she has thought about a payment arrangement for the bills. She says no, she doesn't want it to work that way. I am and have been beating her down and she doesn't appreciate it. I ask how I am beating her down and she snorts indignantly. She doesn't really have an answer except to say that I have mood swings. I ask her what she expects? She says I am mad about this and I say, no, I am just done. If you don't want to work on this R then it is time to move on. I don't want to waste the next 6-9 months of my life living with her and not being able to move on. She agrees.
She says she is afraid to ask me for money and that she is struggling with no money while I have lots of money in the bank. I tell her that after paying the mortgage and my credit card bill, I don't have any money either. I said that I paid for a new wardrobe for her since January and also paid for her car repairs. My car needs the same $1,300 work hers had and I have also lost weight and need new clothes too. She agrees.
I ask again about a bill paying arrangement and she again declines, saying that she hasn't been spending a lot of $ and can't she just pay a bill when she has money? I say that I am not comfortable with that arrangement, but she won't committo anything. She says that I think this is all my money, but it really is OUR money. She says I am discounting all she has done for 209 years to help earn it. I didn't think of it at the time, but she is discounting everything I have done for 20 years also, which is part of the reason she is divorcing me.
I leave it alone, but vow that I will not give her any $ and will push her to pay some bills. I don't really know what else to do at this point.
After this conversation, I go to the grocery store with a list that W has put together. When I get home, we put the groceries away and she goes upstairs to fold laundry. I ask if I can help and she says no, so I go outside with the kids and the neighbors kids and we pick-up apples that have fallen off the tree and have a contest to see who can throw them the farthest into the swamp.
I come in the house and W gets on the phone with someone and goes into her room for privacy while she is talking. She told me earlier that she ran over on the minutes again so her bill is $150 instead of $80. Addording to her, it is only the last 2 months that this has happened. That is because since she has filed, she is constantly on the phone, and usually her cell phone so she can go outside where I can't hear her. Our home phone is wireless and also free. I tell her to use it instead of her cell. Now I have another large bill to pay, but I will make her pay it since it is her phone and I don't care if it gets turned off.
I make ice cream malts for the kids after they shower and then we put them to bed. W complains about how tired she is and I tell her to go to be if she is tired.
I see that "Rescue Me" tv show is on and this is something we have always watched together. she sits down to wathc with me. It is after 10pm now, which is late for her, and I say I can't believe you are still up. She says she can't believe it eaither. We chat a bit during commercials and things seem to be going well. After the show is over, she starts to tell me about her work and gets into a bunch of details about how she is subpoeaned into court on Friday. She is a probation and parole afficer. Formerly a sex offender specialist. This is a rape and potential murder case that was prosecuted 2 yrs ago and they want to review her notes from back then. She gets into all kinds of detail and I pay close attention, looking into her eyes, listening intently and trying to validate as best as I can.
After this story, she starts to talk about the kids again. Rehashes yesterday and asks for ,y thoughts about a trip D want to have with a friend of hers. Am I ok with it? Sounds ok to me, but she is nervous. Always is when it comes to the kids and I tell her that she always has been. That is part of our problem She has very bad separation anxiety and would never leave the kids, so we very rarely went out alone as a couple for 10 years. I was and am OK with that as I really wanted to spend my time with her anyway. She apparently is not ok with that and feel she has missed years of her life that she is now seemingly trying to make up for. CAn you say unruly teenager?
When W first moved out of our bedroom, the kids asked what we were fighting about. They asked if we were fighting about sex and wanted to know about puberty and all that kind of stuff. W said she would get a book from the library. She was looking recently, but thought much of it was too explicit and didn't want her kids to know all that yet. Suggests we go and look together. Things seem to be going very well, but then she stars talking about all of the good DIVORCE books they have there too.
I just don't understand how we can have such good chemistry about the TV show (she was laughing at my jokes and we were talking well) and the kids, yet she still thinks we have to get divorced. I just don't get it and it bums me out sooooo much.
What is it with these women? I care about you as a person. You are a good person. We always have fun together when we go out. I could be friends with you forever. I love sitting around and talking with you, but I HAVE to divorce you.
WHAT THE HELL AM I MISSING HERE?
Sorry for such a long post, but it was an interesting night filled with lots of twists and turns and I just can't figure it out. These kind of evenings make me feel like we will work this out and not get divorced, but then she says things that make me think she will never change her mind.
