21 years of marriage hanging by a thread

[Chuck66]

We were in Korea for one year then Japan for another. The entire time I kept telling my son we are going to visit Grandpa who he shares a name with. We did have a visit during those two years but he was pretty small. As his 4th birthday approached we talked about moving to the US and counting down the days to see Grandpa. His birthday was 13 April and we flew to the US on 16 April the same day my father died. He never got to see his grandfather again. I have boy-girl twins and decided they were too young for the funeral.

His anger is hitting teachers. He has a sister who is a master manipulator that goads him all the time. She will not go to his room to play. She says if you want to play you come here. Then she decides the game, how its played, the color piece etc and if he doesn't like it, she says to of my room please. And does this 10x a day everyday. I tell him to play in his room and then she cant say that but he is lonely. She does the same thing at summer school not liking him following her around so she won't play with him. telling the other kids not to play with him. I had a long talk with her about that.

W yells. Then yells louder. Then quits and walks off. Kids know the pattern and know there is never any punishment so they got bolder and then just say no to her. They have toned that down but for a while she just stopped yelling and she finally detached. I was left with all the disciplining. They could be fighting in the room next to her and I have to run from the other end of the house to break it up.

Set up IC appointment. Watched him at home. IC was play therapy. I kept thinking $ going out for C to play with my kid. So did W. Kindergarten was just starting and hoped it would be a fresh start.

A two week stint in April of acting out, hitting a teacher earned him a suspension. Mom dropped out more from family. Started drinking. Increased work hours. Hugged possible OM at bar all around the same time. I think I have an email I sent her from around that time...This was before I knew what I was getting myself into. I had no idea about WAW, MLC or anything...

It's sad that we can't communicate well enough for me to have to resort to email but that;s what it has come to. I'm not real happy that I got to look after the kids while you napped for 2 hours then as soon as you got up you went to work and I got to watch the kids again until you came home. I had to feed them, get night clothes on, brush their teeth, and deal with keeping the peace then entire time. Now I have to take DS who you don't want anything to do with. Not only do I have to watch him all day I have to paint all by myself. It took 4 people 2 hours to paint so that means it will take me 8 hours by myself. And us painting was predicated by you telling Bob that we could do the staining and painting for the balusters and stairs but now you aren't to be found. You think not having to do anything with DS has nothing to do with me and you. You'd be wrong. You hiding at work, or not dealing with DS, or not speaking to me because you have nothing positive to say doesn't just effect your relationship with him but all of us. Even DD. Our marriage takes work. I have begged and pleaded with you for attention and now you don't even want to speak to me because you think we will argue because you will be negative. I thought I could handle not always feeling connected with you during sex when it seems like you just wanted to get it over with. And you never want to initiate. Or on the rare occasion you do you say, do you want to do it tonight?" It's never initiated through actions. But now not having anyone to talk to either has placed our relationship in really shaky territory. Who cares about the color of the stucco, or hardware is on the cabinets if we have no relationship. My step mom Mary thought never agreeing with my dad on how to raise the kids would not effect the marriage. She thought as long as other areas were okay the kid thing wouldn't be bad enough to do any harm. She was wrong. You can't compartmentalize your life. All of these things are intertwined. And if you think you are the mom or the worst kids in the world you haven't had a glimpse into anyone else's family. Mary's kids alone set an abandoned car on fire, broke a plate glass window at a downtown business and got caught by a railroad detective for placing objects on train tracks that could have caused a derailment. That was each of her three kids. And you probably know about the bloody beatings they gave each other, the home made tattoos and the stolen car. She thought that dealing and disciplining "her" children without any input from my dad would not effect what they felt for each other.

When I was asking you for more attention I just saw how hard you worked at housework, or job or making time for your job. I just wanted a little bit of that effort for us...for each other. You always magaged to find time to do many different things, I just wanted some of your time too. Since I have asked for more attention things have gotten worse. Much worse. And what scrap of time I used to get is now completely gone during the DS' situation. DS said you cried when Mr. xxxx said he couldn't come back.. and you cried when you took him to Grandma's...and you creid when you were at Grandma's. When I have to learn from our 5 year old about what took place then I know we have serious communication/relationship problems.

We have been married for 21 years. Changing any problem that has been going on for years is very difficult. But doing the same thing year after year and expecting different results is crazy. That's why when I wanted more of your attention I tried not to sulk or be withdrawn and I garnered up enough courage to tell you I wanted more of your attention/time. Very frustrating not getting any results.

I love you. I just want a small portion of the effort you give in other aspects of your life directed toward us. I want to work together not apart.



I got to go to sleep... I'm not doing very good taking care of me. Neither W or I have any close friends. Home builder and his W worked with us for 2 years and have seen the changes in our R and have tried to befriend us.

BTW, Other than no OM what boundaries would be good to set? No abusing prescription pills? Lay off the booze (her meds are not compatible with alcohol)? Make your IC appointment with lying about it and going to the pharmacy instead?

Oh and meds are all from the same doctor. I emailed her about W going through all of this and she sent me a privacy act email back saying doctor-patient privilege.

TTFN,
Chuck

PS Son is 6 now and doing better. We try using our words instead of our hands when we are frustrated.