I'm now having close friends tell me they want me out. So far, friends have been respectful and not tried to tell me what to do, but they're concerned about me. One told me today that there will definitely be someone out there for me who deserves me and will treat me the way I should be. That all sounds nice, but I'm not so sure....
And I realized today that the main thing stopping me from moving out right now is fear. It's been buried under a lot of other "reasons" (excuses?) like money, custody, my pets, etc. But I really saw and felt it for the first time today: I'm just terrified. Not necessarily of being on my own- I'm pretty independent and strong, always have been. Or even of being a single mom- though it will be very hard. But terrified of making that step- the one that says: "I'm moving out and I'm moving on. I'm choosing to separate from you and physically end our life together." To me it feels like the end of hope and the end of a major life chapter and it absolutely terrifies me to decide that, and not only close that chapter (which I can't undo), but lose him...
I can see people arguing one of several things: he already chose to end your M; he's already made it clear that this R is done; you're not closing the chapter, HE is. But it doesn't matter. I would be taking that action and I'm in huge fear of what it means, what it signifies. That our M is dead, I'm stating that I'm giving up, there's no hope (yes I know people have reconciled after moving out, but right now it feels like if I let go, it'll just be... gone. And I know him well enough to know that once he sets his mind to something or decides he feels a certain way, he rarely if ever admits he was wrong or changes his mind). And, like a lot of you, I fear that there might've been a possibility he'd change his mind, but with me gone, he'd never admit it.
I wish we had a situation where I could ask him to leave, but it's not possible in our sitch. It has to be me. And I can't think of any stronger statement about letting our future together go than moving out. Fear paralyzes us in so many ways... I started this thread with some quotes and have a few I wish I could fully absorb and live:
"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." — Helen Keller
"It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live." -Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
I wish I knew what awaited on the other side of this leap.
