Were you following Puppy's thread when he told us that he was going to leave the board? He finally let go of that rope and said that his W just wasn't attracted to him and he didn't know what else to do. If you were reading his posts then you know the rest of the story.
I'm going to be painfully honest with you, and I don't know why you have this place in heart that makes me go all "melty-mom" with you( ) but I have held back with the 2x4's when I knew you really needed to be taken to the woodshed. Maybe it's b/c I really had a hard time saying that you needed to let go and move forward, IDK. And....dog-gone if she don't pull this little bit with the "how's your day" phone call!
So anyway, here's what I haven't said that I should have been saying a long time back. You "are" controlling, sweetie-pie. You really, really are trying to constantly control her. You put way too much pressure on her when I think you are seeing it as truth darts, at times. You see an opportunity to try to point something out....like it was a lesson or something. Remember the time at the movie when you just "looked" at her, hoping she would make the connection of the movie scene with your M? It's times like that that I feel you are truly hurting your R more than helping it along.
She's still resisting you, and you continue to try to teach her that she was unfaithful and she should be sorry and apologize for it. Of course, whenever you try to give her a classroom teaching lesson...it leads to an argument.
I have been absolutely amazed at the advice you could give others and see your wisdom in your posts.....but in your personal stitch you are too close to the forest. Well, I suppose we all are guilty of that problem.
Okay, so what am I saying that I think you should do? I don't know if you really "can" do it, b/c you seem to be a "all or nothing" kind of man....so maybe it's not possible, but if you could let go and stop trying to direct her thoughts, her feelings, her actions, etc. and let her be free to do whatever. I can almost you hear you arguing with me about it b/c you don't see it that way. But you do, sweetie....you do try to force her (in your own way)and I think that's why she's still resisting a lot. You know what I think her rest of her problem is (lack of hormones).
Do you think it is possible to treat her like your little cousin? Can you spend an afternoon with her and not refer to the past or tell her she could spend more time with the girls...."if" she went back home? Can you part without giving her a hug and watching to see how she'll respond?
I think you still have a big problem with the EA. I'm not saying you do not have a reason for having a problem with it, okay? But you need to hear her give you a heart-felt, remoseful apology.....and she hasn't done that, at least to your satisfaction. Maybe she hasn't even attempted half-hearted, IDK. I think I can understand a lot better than I use to why it's so important for the LBH, but I don't think the LBH understands why it is often the last thing that some WAW's do in the reconciliation process. It took me "forever" before I could finally say the words to my H. It was the resentment I was feeling toward my H for things that led up to the EA, and the fact he never apologized to me for all that stuff I had to endure. Of course, that was not grounds for the EA but as a WAW I think I understand why it's often so hard for the W to make amends and give that apology.
Sorry, I guess I sound like I'm all over the place tonight. I just want you to be able to let go of it, Stuck. B/c you are still stuck in that area. That EA continues to rob you of peace and happiness that you could otherwise have. You'll never get past this point until you can truly forgive her. It's for "your" sake that I say that. It is for you to have peace in your life. No, she doesn't "deserve" forgiveness....but it's not about deserving, it's about what you are able to do. You are the bigger person. You are stronger. You can do this...if you are willing. But sometimes we have to "will it" every day until the peace comes. I don't think I have to tell you how to fight against intruding thoughts that take you back down that road. You are a smart man and you already know all of that. You know how to fight the enemy. She's not your enemy, sweetie. Don't let the enemy have your joy for the rest of your life.
I hope with all my being that once you can fully reach that place--and you can set her free from by trying to control the outcome....that that will be the very thing that will draw her back into your arms. But it may not be and she may be so slow in pulling out of the fog that you will move on and make a new life. My question goes back to what I asked before.....can you do that or not? In other words, do you have to be 100% in her life or a 100% out? I'm not taking in consideration the children you share....just you and her.
You went down this road (or at least tried) when you were dating once before, and realized it wasn't fair to your friend. Only you know the answer.....but I'll still be here in your corner....cheering you on, praying, swinging 2x4's, or whatever it takes to help you out.
BTW, about her calling for the first time without any reason.....I know how ironic that seems after you said you knew it was time to set her free. But there will be those times that will make you wonder if you are making the right move or not. You can expect life to pull those ironic little gags on us...
I have always thought of you as being a special person. I still do, and I think you deserve so much more......and some gal is thinking to herself, "Gosh, what a waste!"
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
) but I have held back with the 2x4's when I knew you really needed to be taken to the woodshed. Maybe it's b/c I really had a hard time saying that you needed to let go and move forward, IDK. And....dog-gone if she don't pull this little bit with the "how's your day" phone call! 
