(((hugs))) RW, this is part of our journey as mothers...recognizing that things happen to them that we can't protect them from. A marriage that isn't working at some point is outside of our circle of control. Just like the many challenges that our children will face in their lives, we can't protect them from this. All we can do is support them, listen, and be good role models for dealing with crisis and adversity. I know you know all this and are doing an awesome job .
I echo the other wishes for you: be gentle and kind to yourself...take it one step at a time.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
So much is happening now and it is so surreal to me, but it is my reality so I am living it with as much integrity and dignity as I can.
The talk with the kids was heart breaking. Yes there has been tension and stress in the family for the last year and a half with everything that has happened. But, prior to that my kids only new a very strong, happy family who did so much together and had a lot of fun. We went to church together, had great family vacations, spent lots of family time doing fun things, family meals, family prayer time etc. That's what my kids knew. They are having difficulty making sense of how this could happen, as am I.
So, I am honest with my kids that this is their Dad's choice, and that I wanted to do everything possible to restore this M. I am not bad mouthing their Dad but I also will not lie.
Two of our kids have directly asked me(not their Dad) about infidelity. My H has not had the courage to tell the kids this part, so it has ended up on my shoulders to have to respond to the direct questions. I have tried to respond with "I have been faithful to your Dad. If you have questions about your Dad's behavior you need to ask him." Which of course has led them to guess the obvious. And, now, there is the difficulty of one of the three kids not knowing the truth that the other two do. I have told my H he needs to man up and tell him, and if he doesn't I will. And I will.
The other thing I am facing is that my H has made this decision but has not left the home yet. I had to push to get him in the spare room, which he has done (but complains about how uncomfortable it is). Now he says he has nowhere to go and no one to turn to and that I am still the only person he trusts. These are his choices and he has to live with them. So, I am going to have to end up likely setting a deadline for him to be out.
So, I am having to be strong and firm in the midst of hurting... as is true for us all in these sitches. I am trying to be there for my kids, who are hurting. I am slowly starting to chip away at the practical things needing to be done to move forward with my anticipated life as a single, divorced mother.
My support system is strong, my attitude is strong, my resolve is strong.
Still going... one day at a time.... just with a different focus.
Congratulations! You are doing one of the most difficult things a mom has to do. You handled it with complete integrity I"m so proud of you.
And yes, we have to set our boundaries. If they want divorce, they have to act on it.
I have to do this as well. Even though my H chose to move out, I need to set a deadline for him to get his things out of the house and I am talking to a lawyer about fighting for my rights. You are inspiring me.
You will be happier in the end, knowing you aren't carrying the marriage alone. I have become happy knowing this. You deserve to be with someone who works as hard as you to keep the marriage growing.
I know it is a rough time for you and the kids. I also know there is nothing much that I can say. I am so glad to see that you have a strong support system. As you say, one day at a time. One second, one moment,one hour at a time if necessary.
Take some time to be good to yourself. I know your first concern is your kids but see if you can carve out a few moments a day to do something special or nurturing whether it be deep breathing, taking a nice aromatheraphy bath or stretching for a few minutes. It is very important to self soothe at this time and to follow rituals which are comforting.
I can't hug you in person , so the next best option is...........((((((RW))))))).
RW, good for you. It sounds like you have a great attitude about this. Your children are learning SO much about how to handle a crisis from you every day. That will serve them well in the future -- don't forget that. Yes, they are hurting. It's so hard to witness, I know.
Sorry to read that your WH is in deep fog not facing the consequences of his choices. Call 1-800-WAAAAAH dude.
(((hugs)))
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
The support here from my DB family is so amazing! I am blessed.
I am realizing with each day that passes how "done" I am now. That saddens me, but it is true. I was willing to forgive the A and open up my heart again and work towards a fully restored M. Now, with everything that has transpired, I am done. Will there always be a part of me that loves my H? Yes, I am sure. But, at this point, I cannot ever imagine trusting or respecting him again. I am done.
So, I communicated that to him last night. I did the Gucci/Robx approach of letting him go. Not as a DB strategy, because I am no longer fighting for this M. But, as a truth. I let him go. I blessed him to go. He was dumbfounded and shocked. He didn't like it. He said "why do you have to say something like that, it sounds so final. I am not ready to hear that."
Wait a minute..... whaaaaaaat?
You have an A and think you are in love with OW and plan to leave me, then after half heartedly making a pitiful attempt at reconciliation decide you are leaving me after all, tell the kids this..... and..... you don't want me to say something so "final"?
Wow.
Fog. Yes. Deeeeeeep in the fog.
Whatever. I am done.
My H is having a very bad time with people "knowing". So, I am getting the gears about that, sometimes in a very nasty way. And, the thing is, I actually have carried the burden of all this largely alone (other than the great people I have met here!) for over a year. So, the few people I have now chosen to confide in, who are trustworthy, he is having a meltdown about? The injustice and selfishness of this overwhelms me at times.
But, because that fog is still so thick there is no reasoning with him. I am being told I am the selfish one. That we should deal with this just by ourselves. Wow.
Anyway, still feeling strong. Actually, with each passing day, as I detach more and more, I feel stronger and more resolved to do what I need to do for me and the kids.
Don't listen to his spew re: telling other people. He's the one who said he was done. Does he think no one will ever figure out you two divorced?? Or is he just mad that you're telling people the truth about the causes for the split?
Either way, you are not being selfish in confiding in people and getting support. I know you know this but I just wanted to reiterate it.
He chose the actions so he chose the consequences. End of story.
Did you finish reading Not Just Friends? If not, do it. There is a section in the end about moving forward alone. You still need to process everything that's happened and do the work to ensure you are healthy for your next R.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 07/14/1004:04 PM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Thick as pea soup. My gosh, I'm so glad that you see it for what it is. You have a right to confide in people responsibly about this huge life transition. In fact, it's helpful to have people who your children know to be aware of this fact so that they can be part of supporting your family in moving forward. I know that many people have supported me and my children from the sidelines because of their awareness of our circumstances (not that hiding it was an option obviously). I'm sorry that you've been through this with little IRL support...that must have been so hard.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I can't believe your H... what does he expect? If I recall correctly, you never did a full exposure to family and friends. Probably does not like the idea of the truth finally coming out.
The only people I have talked to about the A are: 2 of my friends, H, and our therapist. So I understand your feelings of carrying the burden alone. ((hugs))
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