Wife isn't sure about marriage...

[Allen A]

Just TELL your wife that her mother knows... And that she's SO UPSET she can't even TALK to her about it...

Not a problem dude...

[someguy1233]

I can't. Her mom specifically said not to.
Yet.

If I do, I will lose her support.

[Allen A]

You need to educate her mother.

AND get more people on board.. Don't rely just on her mother.. You can't trust just one person with your marriage right now.

Once you start circulating you can blow the whole thing open and her mother won't be able to keep it quiet anymore.

Just start exposing and confront this prick FAST

[someguy1233]

I tried to educate. Has someone already made a simple document that outlines the process that I can give her?

[Allen A]

Overcoming Infidleity explains the importance of exposing pretty clearly...

You need to stress the importance of the THIRD PARTY bullying your marriage towards divorce.. You can't point at her daughter as the bad guy or she won't cooperate with you.

Offside note here. Do you see a genetic pattern here? Not only is her DAUGHTER hiding info from you, now her MOTHER wants YOU to hide info from your WIFE.

I dunno... I would tell her mother you aren't comfortable lying to your wife and won't keep a secret. I would warn the mother but I would refuse to lie anymore.

All of this lying crap doens't help man... the truth really does set you free.

Its the OM that's got to go man... once he's gone your wife will be a LOT more cooperative to exploring things with you again... Until that creep lays off you ai'nt got a chance.

[Allen A]

This is right out of the Overcoming Infidelity book dude :


This is one of the hardest things for me to
convince people to do, and it is the one of the
most essential moves you can make. Perhaps
eve n t he mo st essential. This step is more
important than all of those listed above. If you
do everything else but ignore the call to expose
the affair , you are enabling your partner by
making it safe and easy for him or her to
continue the self destructive behavior.

Affairs are addictions that flourish in dark and
hidden places. They are fantasies built on deceit
œ both in the exterior world and within the inner
realms of the participants. Often times affairs
end only upon being exposed.

[Allen A]

It's your marriage... I would go right to her mother and say


I am sorry but there is already too much lying going on... I will not keep secrets from my wife for you or I am just doing more damage to my marriage than OM has already done.

I am inviting you to work with me to REMOVE OM from this marriage and do what we can to repair it. And starting that by lying to her is something I won't do.

I love you and your daughter but this has got to stop. It's not fair to me and keeping secrets of any kind isn't fair to her.

I hope you will do what you can by not supporting her affair and refusing to ever accept OM into this family. Your daughter needs to know the OM is a dead end.


Dont' push for agreement, you just WARN her where you stand and go...

[someguy1233]

I would like to personally thank QS, Allen, Sunny, and all others who have posted in this thread. Without your support and direction I would have acted very differently throughout this situation.

My wife and I spoke a couple nights ago, shortly after she talked to her mother. She told me she left her mom's house, went to see OM and told him she needs to work on her marriage and that they can't continue.

I'm continuing my surveillance to ensure things don't back-pedal.

We had a very real conversation. She finally opened up and admitted what was truly going on. She seems very sorry for what has happened and wants to seek FT to help build our relationship. She is scared that I will let her down again, but wants to try to save our marriage. She also said she wants to learn how to stop running or making a giant issue every time the relationship gets a little rough. I feel hopeful. I've experienced a lot of personal growth over the last few weeks and feel I have a better understanding of what I can personally do to have a better marriage and meet her "love language" needs.

I know that we aren't in the clear yet. We have a lot of work to do. I still feel a mix of emotions and probably will for some time. At times I still get very angry for being betrayed and forced to give up our "party" friends and favorite hang-outs. However, I do realize that letting this group of people go is not only good for US but also for MYSELF.

To those of you that have made it through these rough times, what are the next steps? Obvious FT and communication is the key. Are there any good books, etc, that I can read on my own? Material that we can share together?

Thank you again. I can't begin to express my appreciation for everyone on this site. You all helped me stay sane through a very difficult situation.

[SunnyD]

SG: SO glad to hear of your progress...that's awesome!!! I know others will have better, more specific advice for you through this. Here's my thoughts right off the top:

Make sure to find a GOOD FT: one with experience in infidelity and reconnecting.

Make sure you keep up your changes in yourself and don't backslide on the issues of self-respect just because a reconciliation is underway. You have to STAY the better choice.

I think Allen and Puppy will say that you need full transparency. They can tell you those steps.

There are some good books out there about Surviving Affairs, etc... that will be extremely helpful to you. I think Allen/Puppy can fill you in on those as well.

Set goals for yourselves individually but also as a couple. What do you want your life together to look like? What does that mean for each of you? Personally, I just did a full assessment on myself in the main areas of life:
Love: what do you want your love life to look like? What steps do you need to take to get it there?
Spirituality:
Friendships/Family Relations:
Emotional/Mental Health, which includes finances:
Physical Health:
Work Life:

If you do this, you can focus on the positives and ways to fulfill yourself as a person (each of you) so that you can be 2 whole people in a partnership.

Best of luck!!!

[Allen A]

SG

You aren't out of the woods yet... She WILL call him again several times before this is over... maybe even meet with him in person...

Good to hear your exopsure efforts made a difference.

1. Your wife needs to make ALL accounts online are available to you... Put a spreadsheet togther with the username AND password to every one. YOU do the SAME. You two won't cheat on each other if you don't HIDE anything from one antoher.. the internet is a HUGE source of infidelity recipies. Drop facebook right away for starters.. you are only asking for trouble using that... It is THE NUMBER ONE software product used for infidleity today.
2. Your wife needs to read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. She needs to understand how affairs start so she can AVOID one in the future. Once she's done, have her give YOU the details and educate YOU so you BOTH are safe from this very destructive habit.
3. Changing phone numbers and emails so HE can't contact her heps as well... HE needs to see ther eis a VERY CLEAR WALL up to safeguard your marriage.. If she keeps her same number and email it sends HIm a message that she's open to be contacted again... a STRONG message is changing numbers so he CAN't contact her easily.
4. Make sure you BOTH start reading "Relationship Rescue" and other good books like that...
5. Keep AWAY from party friends... being married and planning children means GROWING UP.. if your friends aren't there yet.. steer CLEAR of them.
6. BOTH of you maintain STRONG connections with yoru in laws.. build families from the past into the future...
More to come later

Sorry SG, but affairs start up again almost ALL of the time.. they don't end quietly... You have to beat them with a stick... Dont' trust her... Its not her problem, its an addiction and you two BOTH need to work for the next THREE months to make sure she's over him... You can't trust what she is telling you is the fulll truth right now SG, sorry. I know you want to, but oftentimes its only HALF of what you need to know.