The journey begins

[awest1217]

It is good to look on the positive side. Things are going to work out for you and hopefully in court you only have to figure out the money stuff and then it will be over. Then you can be free of her debt and you can have a solid plan to move forward.

You are doing great and will just keep getting better from here.

[ClingingToHope]

Thanks Awest. The pattern seems to be every step we take in the D process knocks me down for a few hours -- then I look at the bottom line, figure out I can live with it and start breathing again.

Finally diving into the Forgiveness is a Choice book. It wants you to create a journal -- which I may just do on here -- or buy one.

One thing they want me to do is pick a forgiveness path partner. Someone to help me stay on the path. I'm thinking of calling the pastor at my old church.

The bottom line is I have to forgive STBXW -- truly forgive her -- so that it doesn't poison my future relationships and my dealings with the girls.

The stories in the book of the damage done to kids made me cry. I don't want the girls to repeat my mistakes or the mistakes of my parents. The change has to start with me.

[faithisbelieving]

I still think that, if you have NOT already read it, Venus and Mars starting over blue book is a great way to go.

Forgiving STBXW is not something that just happens overnight or occurs with a book. It's a process that takes weeks, months maybe even longer. Honestly, I think forgiving your wife begins with releasing yourself and rebuilding YOU first. The books give you additional tools to do that...tools many of us didn't have in the beginning of all this.

We all expect our cars to start up every morning before going to work. They need maintenance to do so. Many of our M's never had the maintenance booklet filled out.

OTOH, some of us just had a spouse who 'threw a rod'.

Stay strong.

FIB

[ImprovedRomeo]

FIB, you must be a car guy too

What you say makes sense.

[ClingingToHope]

I think of my STBXW as a recall. She was beautiful on the outside but broken on the inside. After a while, things were bound to go haywire. I thought I was a good enough mechanic to keep it running smoothly, but I had my own issues that kept me from being the mechanic I wanted to be.

[ClingingToHope]

Weird. Must clear my head. I was having a good day until reading someone else's sitch where his ex already is engaged and his kids are going on an extended weekend with the ex and OM.

Ouch.

That just got me thinking -- forgiving would be so much easier if I didn't think an OM was in the picture. I feel so --- diminished, I guess. The conversations and intimacy we shared for 13 years, even though it waned in the final three, she may now be sharing with someone else.

Ouch.

Going to take a walk and remember that I will have that intimacy again with someone else some day when I have healed and I have no doubt the next time will be much more intimate. STBXW was so withdrawn that the times she really opened up physically and emotionally was few and far between -- even in the good early days.

[awest1217]

To think on the bright side, not to diminish what you are feeling, but at least she didn't have OM until you two were separated. Imagine sharing a bed and finding out this was going on for all of those out there who are dealing with A's. It is still hard no matter when it happens, but at least it wasn't while you were still together.

Take time and with the time the pain does slowly shrink...

[ClingingToHope]

Awest, I can only imagine the pain you and a lot of people on this site have had to go through. At least STBXW has the decency -- if that's the right word -- not to flaunt it in the face of the girls.

The OM stuff is soooo tough. One of my best friends is getting divorced and his situation is similar to mine in that everyone on the outside thought they had an ideal marriage. His is different in that they were both very smart with money and still trust each other so the D is happening quickly and they'll both be fine financially.

I digress. Something he said early on in our talks really hit home. If they could divorce and she NEVER found someone else he would be fine with it. He wants to feel loved again and they went through counseling for three years and she said it wasn't there. But he still loves her and he can't imagine the pain of her loving someone else.

That's very selfish but true probably for a lot of us.

[mishka422]

Trust me, it's not pretty to see the person you love in love with someone else. When they put it right in your face it brings you to your knees.

Be thankful for the small favors.

The idea of a forgiveness journal is interesting. How is it supposed to work?

[faithisbelieving]

CTH...think. It may be YOU who are in love with someone who appreciates YOU more. I went thru those fears and, may face it too. You have no control over it and there WILL be men in her life. Release it and refocus on yourself. FIB