24 y/o young wife walked away what to do

[MarkIII]

My wife of 4 years and been together about 6, woke up on June 8th and said she was not in love with me anymore and just not happy. I was floored we had never fought or argued until that day. I begged her even cried my eyes out saying I'd make things right if she stayed. Well she stayed that night but the next day had me take her to the father in laws. She since has came and went a few times and also letting our two kids 4 and 2 stay the night with me. We started counseling thru church and a professional, I'm continuing she stopped. On June 20th fathers day she had stayed about 4 days nights prior and was in agreement to stay for two weeks. She left and then filed a restraining order, will not let me see nor talk to my kids nothing. (In the course of one of her trips back home I found some risque texts messages on her phone to some cop guy) I asked her about it and I even texted him back when he asked what she was doing said "Im working on saving my marriage". So I think she is using the system to her advantage to keep me at bay from finding out more details. She als then has filed for divorce on June 23rd. Ive sent cards, emails etc even before her leaving for good on the 20th. Her reason for falling out of love was that I worked to much and would not let her work and we moved to much. Yes we moved 4 times in 6 years cause she always wanted bigger and better. I never kept her form working I just thought she wanted to be a stay at home mom.. (Beside the two kids together we have 4 children of mine her step kids). I'm still having a real hard time dealing with all of this. She did tell me earlier she didnt feel like she could trust me long term to help change things and really did not want for us to have a second chance... I have sent her cards, songs,emails you name it begging and pleading to save our marriage for us and the kids but all I get now is talk to my attorney.

I'm 36 she is 24 she also has had a uncontroled thyroid (low) she will not take her meds as directed. So I'm wondering if maybe she has a chemical in balance going on besides all the stress of money and such.. I have a job and always had a job if not two or three of them.. One thing I didnt do cause money was real tight I only got her a rose and gave her big hugs and kisses for mothers day, and for her birthday just happy birthday hugs and kisses and such.. She sites that as a reason as well.. Right now I do not see any type of hope she wont even talk to my kids which she loved and cared for cause there real mom is not around. I see there are some similar situations here, is there any hope? How do I deal with this every day I cry at least once a day thinking about my two little kids and her.
She also has set up new facebook and email accounts so I can not see or communicate that way.

Well any opinions or anything is greatly appreciated

The lonely soon to be ex from Indiana

This is a repost from waw I was told to repost here for more traffic. Any suggestions what I can do to open the communications back up? Ive tried cards etc.. Nothing.

[DanF]

Stop all pursuing immediately! No cards, no gifts, no I love you's. None of it.

Have you read Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy? I suggest you start there.

Does she know that you know about the OM? How long have things been going on with the OM?

Here is a list of things to do and not to do that the pros gave me a while back. Follow it. There will be pros along to help you more shortly.

My advice: Stop your thinking??? It's not working. Accept where she's at whether you agree or not. It doesnt matter. Remember "she doesn't know what she doesn't know" which means that she doesnt know how her feelings could change if you "actually" become the person you are promising to become. Most importantly become this person for YOU and YOUR kids not her or she will see right through it.

Next follow this list that has been pass around this site over the years by the true vets.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

Last but not least, RELAX, BREATH, take care of yourself

[MrBond]

Sorry that you find yourself here.
With your W being so young, it sounds more like she wants to sow her oats. I mean it's already tough to be raising 2 kids of her own, but throw in 4 from your previous R, and it's alot of stress.

Were you M before? What happened to that one? Do you have joint custody of your other 4 kids?

Right now just stop with the pursuit. It's making you sound clingy and desperate. No cards, calls or anything. Chill for a while.

[PMA_Baby!]

Nice job Dan you took the words right out of my mouth.

Saved me the copy and paste

Words to live by for everyone.

I 2nd what has been suggested.

Just slow down Mark. Breath. It's true she doesnt know what she doesnt know. In addition, like the MTV show "you think you know but have no idea..." meaning dont assume she has a clue on what she REALLY WANTS. This is a marathon not a sprint. Just take a step back and teach yourself to RESPOND NOT REACT...

Also, your sending mixed messages in your post. One minute your saying that you never fight and the next paragraph says she filed a restraining order against you. Something is missing. Someone is not on the same page. Be truthful with us so we can help.

Everyone fights and argues. Some are more heated then others. Some lack respect. Enough of NO RESPECT leads to this site.

Learn the 4 steps of communication. Listen/Mirror/Validate/Emphathize

Stay strong.

[Ready2Change]

Hi Mark,

Sorry to read your sitch. Glad you found this website. It is a great place for support.

There is a chance your wife has gotten involved with another man. There are lots of red flags in your posts. I strongly suggest that you gather some intel to confirm if there is OP involved.

Puppy Dog Tails gives good advise on how to do this. Read through his posts:
Puppy Dog Tails POST


I would focus your energy right now on your relationship with your two kids. That is what is important right now. It is also very important right now to control your emotions. I would go see a L asap and find out what your parenting rights are.....

[MarkIII]

That is true there has been no fighting, Thats why Im in shock with the RO. I think it is aploy to keep me at bay from her and the cop friend for a bit. Fourtantly for me my older kids have been present all the time. The .5 % they were not we were in public places or sleeping together.. She was very open and communicating from June 8th until the 20th then it was like a total shut down mode. Now when I do get a chance to talk to her if her dad comes around in ear shot its talk to my attorney I can not talk to you. She had a real rough relationship with dad in the past and he helped us finance a truck we didnt make the payment a couple times and got behind (over a stupid business venture of ours).. Now I think she is feeling she owes this to daddy.. But I can not get past with anything right now. Courts are now pushing the visitation and I went to the required class divorce advocacy class last Saturday. Domestic Relations is looking and interviewing to determine visitation and such. I guess Im just stuck thinking it can be worked out when maybe it really cant. Cause she will have to able to change or seek help and she is not. I look back and when we started talking she was having a real rough time and her mom and dad were starting a bitter 3 yr divorce. She started talking to me and I guess I was her refuge from the pain and hurt and stuff, I tried to push her away due to age and my kids, but you know the male ego old guy nice young hot girl..Enough said... LOL... So it was probally set up for failure from the start.

[bluestar]

So sorry you're here. You've gotten some great advice so far. That's a good place to start. Easier said than done but you've got to focus on yourself and your kids right now. You should have a hearing on the RO soon. If your L is worth anything at all, that should get lifted unless she has grounds (though it doesn't sound like it). Do whatever you have to do to get visitation in place but don't contact your W. Have your L slow things down so you have time to consider what you really want and hopefully give your W some time to think about what she's doing.

By the way, when you are posting, be sure to break things up into paragraphs so it's easier to read.

[Ready2Change]

Hi Mark,

Please stick to one thread (ie this one) it helps us follow your sitch....

Question on the last post, My wife kept my kids away from me for over a month and a half, the courts stepped in and ordered what they call domestic relations. Until that report is done and submitted I only see my kids every other weekend from 10am-6pm and every Wednesday night 5pm-8pm with telephone calls on Tuesday and Thursdays. I do not want to be a weekend dad either and want 50%, how can I fight this? I have full custody of my four older kids for the past 5 years. (I'm scared and pissed off I'm being treated like a second class person right now). I ask my wife for more time and its either Nope or I dont know. Or I will ask my lawyer... Well he is a real BLEEP BLEEP.. Tells her go with what the court says and no more... I'm hoping and praying to god that tomorrow we have a 4 way meeting me her and the lawyers that she will start to cooperate with me somewhat.
I was all for saving my marriage but now really do not know. The girl (and yes she is a girl 24) is being very in mature now and getting uglier by the day. All to prusue more happiness (EA) and she no longer loves me..
Any one ever been thru the system with the kids? What can I do to gain the upper hand here?

Thanks

Use the domestic relations investigation to your advantage. Show them that you are a good person and a good parent. Do everything they recommend....

Also work on these:

Forgiveness, Patience, Listening, Understanding, Validation, Empathy, Compassion, Faith, Hope, Kindness

[MarkIII]

Well today we had a 4 way meeting that did not go so well, she is wanting most of the household furnishings including a car of mine and me to pay for the truck her dad financed for her in which she took. She got mad when her L told her she has to offer me the kids while she works as well. I offered her a car in exchange for MC tat went over well.. NOT. She is really playing the victim and dragging me through the mud over her little EA/OM. I guess Dbing is out for me and will fall into the another statistic bracket.

How do you know if it is to far gone? I feel it is at least on her end.

[pinhead]

Mark,

You can't use counseling as a bargaining chip. She has to want to go to that freely or it'll be completely counterproductive.

Don't give up.

DBing isn't about avoiding the divorce, it's about saving yourself and the relationship if possible. Go read Robx's thread about how patient he was, how loving he stayed throughout a very long process. It's a great inspiration.