Nothing fits

[mishka422]

He's silently dealing with his own issues. Or not LOL.

You hit the nail on the head with that one Michelle. NOT dealing with his issues is what he does best an continues to do.

Last night everything came crashing down just as I knew it would. I could feel it in the air even when we were having a good time together something was off.....big time.

I logged into FB last night just before he was due home from work to check on a friend of mine who is traveling. In my recent events feed there was a notation that someone else had responded to the same post of his that I had. He had posted the other day that he was hot and sticky from his workout but felt great. I posted back that I was proud of him for staying with his exercise. Last night a woman he went to high school with posted "I can't wait to get hot and sticky with you. I'll talk to you tonight." WHOA WHOA WHOA! I posted "ummmmm.....ok....WTH is that about?" and left it at that. I had just shut the computer off when he walked in from work and he knew immediately something was wrong because I pretty much glared him down. He asked what was up and I told him. I asked him if he was just playing games with me. Why he apparently felt the need to always be looking for the next fix. He reverted to his usual lament "I'm a lying piece of sh!t. I always have been and I don't know why." "I haven't been happy for one day of my life." "I know what I want. All I want is a loving R but I don't know how to find that." BLECH! WTH does he call what he has had for his entire adult life? I've never been anything but loving, kind, patient, forgiving, and accepting of him. Yes, I was sometimes distracted and had my priorities messed up but never once did I purposely ignore him or try to hurt him.

I told him I had thought that we had a pretty darned good life and if he was never happy then why didn't he speak up? He just shook his head and said he didn't know. He can't explain it. He just doesn't feel like there is anything good. All he feels is content. ALL HE FEELS IS CONTENT!!!! Isn't that what we all strive for? To be content with our lives. Contentment means that you have your life in order. He said he needs happiness. Well, contentment is happiness!!! WTH? He thinks that unless he has that giddy euphoria all the time then he's not happy. This man is seriously messed up! Without IC there is no hope for him. He will continue on this cycle for the rest of his life and die miserable and alone because there are not many women out there who are going to put up with a man that is constantly pushing them aside for the next great thrill.

He has said about 2 words to me since last night. He slept on the couch and has no idea what he's going to do. I won't kick him out but I'm not letting him back into my bed or my heart in the state he is in. I deserve so much more respect than that.

So.......that's that.

P.S. - And now he has apparently deleted his FB profile.