Still trying to find my way

[Mystik]

I am in full survival-only mode it feels like. I just go through the motions of getting up, showered, dressed, go to work, function on auto-pilot through the day at work, then go home and take care of DS until bed time. This repeats each day, I'm like a robot with no emotional range. Now and then the hurt pushes through the numbness and I cry a bit, but mostly I'm just incapable of feeling emotion. If DS pushes me then I get upset and his melt downs cause me to practically melt down but I usually just get so frustrated I want to walk away, I don't know how to deal with him anymore. I know that I need to be there for him but I can't even manage to be there for myself. I am emotionally checked out of my life. I miss my H. I miss being part of his day to day life. I saw a state exam announcement today and my first instinct was to contact him because I know he would be interested in that particular exam, but I had to stop myself. He took that right for me to call him away from me. He took it all away from me, all my dreams and beliefs of the future, of our future together. Gone.