MCL you are sounding a lot better already. This is a long process. Keep focusing on the positives. Work on what these guys are telling you... She knows she still has you. People ONLY want what they cannot have and they want it even worse when it's just out of their grasp... Go dark and work on detaching emotionally from her.. Google LIVESTRONG detachment and read it every day. Time to break free from the relationship that you had with her (it didn't work).
tjack45, thank you for the website. That's powerful stuff.
I got home tonight and instead of heading straight to the Beer and sit on my ass and possibly get depressed again, I mowed the backyard and went for a little drive. Just completely opposite of what I do normally after work on a Monday.
Wife made a comment when she was here yesterday, about coming over after work to get the dogs and go walk em, so I wanted to make sure I was gone. However, she never showed up. So I took em when I got back. All I could feel was anger tonight. Not sadness, just disgust and anger. Which I guess is a good thing, because if she texts me anything tonight...absolutely no response is coming.
And you know, I'm real tired of always thinking what she is up too or doing. I almost think she did this on purpose just to see if I'd go off or pound her with R talk.
"And you know, I'm real tired of always thinking what she is up too or doing. I almost think she did this on purpose just to see if I'd go off or pound her with R talk." - this is not a masculine way of thinking.
Enjoy yourself and don't worry about things you can control.
"And you know, I'm real tired of always thinking what she is up too or doing. I almost think she did this on purpose just to see if I'd go off or pound her with R talk." - this is not a masculine way of thinking.
Enjoy yourself and don't worry about things you can control.
"Enjoy yourself and don't worry about things you can control."
Should read:
"Enjoy yourself and don't worry about things you can't control."
I don't want to control anything about her anymore. One feeling that just won't go away is guilt. All the others seem to come and go. All I want right now is to feel happy again and for her to find herself. I'm not a bad person and neither is she, but I do believe I fell into a world of addiction and depression, in which I had no clue what I was doing or how it came to this. THIS was me neglecting her.
Now I'm just horribly upset at myself that I didn't do the simple things she asked. Those things were reasonable too....everything she asked me to do was for me, not her. Now she just wants to give up because she's fed up. I'm giving her the space and the time, but it probably feels "too little too late".
With the drastic changes that are needed to turn me back into the person I once was, I feel overwhelmed. I'm just lost, I have direction, but don't know how to start anything. I'm forcing myself to do everything, but anything I do right now to break the cycle feels heavy and I just want to give up.
I didn't see a text from her at all last night or email this morning and I couldn't sleep because I kept having nightmares. Now I missed work because I just can't function today. I spent the better part of my morning talking myself out of calling her just to hear her voice. I miss her...I don't feel like I need her in my life, but I want her to be. And to see the good me again.
Will she ever forgive me enough, to make an attempt again.
I'm just basically writing because it's therapy for me a way to vent my pain.
Good. I really don't want to find out by "checking" on her.
Personally, I'd rather her trust me again and TELL me that she is having an affair anyway.
Naive. That NEVER happens.
Never.
Puppy
Puppy. I agree with most of what you say. Just not on this. I am speaking from the heart. My wife did come clean. Maybe not on all the details but my personal boundary was crossed. However, it came at the point where I didnt care one way or other if she had an affair. (Not trying to sound callous)It didnt matter because if she did have an affair, If I "Wanted" the marriage to work, I HAD a decision to make. It wasn't her decision anymore.
I was also at complete peace with myself (well terrified on the inside but it was fairly well buried). She asked how I could manage to be energetic and happy. I told her why. NO EXPECTATIONS anymore.
I also learned to love unconditionally. Man that was a revelation. ITs amazing how I felt. How in tuned with the world. Once I felt this, I was adamant about going to church. Finally got my wife to go with our family. The sermon was the Letter to the Corinthians. One of our wedding readings. Heck my wife even asked if I planned it.
However, all these good things happened for one reason. I made changes. I was very much like you. With the sole exception of drinking. I was easily irritated, angered, etc. I was blaming my wife for me feeling that way. As you know. WRONG ANSWER. It was my fault I was feeling that way. I needed to change it for me.
Married 10 Together 13 ILYB 1/4/2010 Separated: 1/4/2010 Moved back in 1/28/2010 Reconciled 3/14/2010
Yeah, anger, irritation, etc. It was all me being in denial about MY problems. I took her for granted and now I'm reaping what I sowed. Add in Alcohol and it's like giving food to a Gremlin after midnight.
I just read about the boundaries on another post. That hurt too, she did set boundaries and I kept knocking em down because I for some reason wanted to "fix" myself through her. It makes me sick to my stomach that I didn't see what I was doing. Blinded, selfish, and antagonistic.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
As long as you keep beating yourself up over the past, you are going to be unable to change your future. Learn from the past, but don't wallow in it. This sucks. All of us are going through some really crappy times, but the only person we get to make decisions for is us.
What is it you really want to fix in your life? Whatever it is, right now is the time to start working on making that better and in doing so, you just might get the girl. If not, at least you have improved your own life.
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
