I don't want to control anything about her anymore. One feeling that just won't go away is guilt. All the others seem to come and go. All I want right now is to feel happy again and for her to find herself. I'm not a bad person and neither is she, but I do believe I fell into a world of addiction and depression, in which I had no clue what I was doing or how it came to this. THIS was me neglecting her.
Now I'm just horribly upset at myself that I didn't do the simple things she asked. Those things were reasonable too....everything she asked me to do was for me, not her. Now she just wants to give up because she's fed up. I'm giving her the space and the time, but it probably feels "too little too late".
With the drastic changes that are needed to turn me back into the person I once was, I feel overwhelmed. I'm just lost, I have direction, but don't know how to start anything. I'm forcing myself to do everything, but anything I do right now to break the cycle feels heavy and I just want to give up.
I didn't see a text from her at all last night or email this morning and I couldn't sleep because I kept having nightmares. Now I missed work because I just can't function today. I spent the better part of my morning talking myself out of calling her just to hear her voice. I miss her...I don't feel like I need her in my life, but I want her to be. And to see the good me again.
Will she ever forgive me enough, to make an attempt again.
I'm just basically writing because it's therapy for me a way to vent my pain.
