You know QS I got to thinking, somewhere around here is some good advice about manly ways to speak (it can work if you're a woman too).
There is a mindset and a way of speaking that establishes YOU as the strong one, the one in control. Maybe someone will recall this and post a link.
Currently she gives you choices and you pick; Ultimatums and you cower. You should stop choosing. You can listen to her and then after a pause of a second or two, simply tell her you will not answer her now, you are going to think about what you want to do and you will get back to her when you have made a decision....poof and just like that, you have gently, almost imperceptibly shifted control of the decision and the situation into your hands. NOW, she is waiting on YOU for your decision. Think about it. Works in business and everyday life too.
When you address her, use statements like,
"I have decided" "This is what I'm going to do" "When I have time, I will address this" "Why don't you send me an email or something so I can review it when I have time"
Once you start feeling more in control, you will have less fear, which in turn, will help you feel more in control.
Don't be home on Friday
Last edited by DownNotOut...yet; 07/13/1007:10 PM. Reason: puctuation
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
Currently she gives you choices and you pick; Ultimatums and you cower. You should stop choosing. You can listen to her and then after a pause of a second or two, simply tell her you will not answer her now, you are going to think about what you want to do and you will get back to her when you have made a decision....poof and just like that, you have gently, almost imperceptibly shifted control of the decision and the situation into your hands. NOW, she is waiting on YOU for your decision. Think about it. Works in business and everyday life too.
When you address her, use statements like,
"I have decided" "This is what I'm going to do" "When I have time, I will address this" "Why don't you send me an email or something so I can review it when I have time"
Once you start feeling more in control, you will have less fear, which in turn, will help you feel more in control.
Yes, essentially this is how you seize the "elusive hand"...
I DO have the fear that if she ends up out on her own, she is going to bang as much as she can, if not a few guys then one friends with benefits.
In the past 2 years BEFORE the D, she has voiced that she is becoming more sexually aware, and less of a "prude".
I can DEFINITELY tell that by the sex chats with the OM. She said things that I would have thought she EVER would say or want to do with a guy. ESPECIALLY not her husband.
Getting her own place means complete freedom IN HER MIND TO DO WHAT SHE WANTS. And that my friends is going to be alot sexual stuff. She is extremely sexually frustrated right now, and is looking for a REAL outlet.
That terrifies me to death. Who wouldn't be?
That's the honest truth there. I fear losing her to some meaningless sexual escapades, and not an ADULT, CIVIL DIVORCE.
I can deal with a divorce, but her banging away at her own place and making sure I know about it is a little more than I can take.
I DO plan to come up with a 3rd option. ON MY OWN TERMS.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
If she can't muster adult behaviour then she gets a TIME OUT elsewhere... and YOU don't have to deal with it anymore.
It's not ideal, but the WORST is her banging guys and internet sex chats IN your HOME.. I've been there trust me hell ain't that hard to handle in comparison
a. Pursue other men while enjoying the comfort of our home and leaving you to maintain the house and the chores.. basically you become my cuckhold/slave and suffer indefinitely
b. I leave the home and pursue other men elsewhere and suffer by having to maintain my own lifestile with limited resources and the embarassment of being tossed out of my home and stuck with an apartment
c. I stay in the home, respect the boundary of monogamous commitment if/until we divorce and part ways
--------------------
She wants option a.. and has been COVERTLY taking it
YOU need to stamp that out when she gets back... Tell he she gets B or C only...
That's the thing. She DOES NOT want to be at home here. ESPECIALLY while I am here.
She is using financial as leverage. She HAS to pay the mortgage no matter what. But the utilities she does NOT if she moves out.
If I agree to sell the house she says she will still pay utilities ect and come and go as she pleases.
If I don't agree she is going to cancel what is in her name, and only pay the mortgage. She is trying to FORCE me into selling the house.
But she does NOT want to be here. So maybe I should give her incentive to get the hell out. OR she can have a nice home and be RESPECTFUL, and I will determine when I am ready to sell.
You are right Allen, she is one MEAN poker player. And she's got hidden chips with her parents money.
I think I am going to ante up (at family counseling on Mon) and tell her that I like NONE of her options, and that I will sell when I am good and ready. She is free to live here with ABSOLUTE RESPECT to me, and not have to beg to her parents.
I will say "You say you are doing what is best for you, well I am doing what is best for me. You can stay at the house as long as you AGREE to certain terms, otherwise get your stuff out and make your own way".
But that still doesn't resolve the issue of WHEN to sell the house. That is her KEY item in all this. And it all depends on me.
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 07/13/1007:49 PM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
Well, i would say it more delicately than that, but you are getting some hand sir...
I am doing what is best for the situation by being honest and civil - join me whenever you like. You can stay at the house as long as you AGREE to civilized respectable cohabitation, otherwise your belongings will have to be removed and you can deal with the problems of living elsewhere and I will enjoy the home on my own.
There are a few problems with yours :
1. Telling her she's doign what's best for her is WRONG.. she's doing a lot fo DAMAGE to herself, don't validate destructive behviour by telling her it IS best for her when its not.
2. Dont tell her you are doing whats best for YOU.. it just invites her to be equally selfish. What's best for the SITUATION or something like that implies you ARE taking her feelings into account and you expect HER to do likewise.
3. Telling HER to get her stuff out gives HER HAND... you just tel her it HAS to go and leave it in the air ...
4. Make your own way doen'st warn her about the unpleasant discomforts she is headed for by moving into an apartment... I used to live in one, I KNOW a house is better.
I am doing what is best for the situation by being honest and civil - join me whenever you like. You can stay at the house as long as you AGREE to civilized respectable cohabitation, otherwise your belongings will have to be removed and you can deal with the problems of living elsewhere and I will enjoy the home on my own.
You have five minutes to decide...
And sit back, start your watch, and watch her sweat...
I will say "You say you are doing what is best for you, well I am doing what is best for me.
Blah, blah, blah. Stop talking. Just do it. A man with no fear, acts.
On Saturday, NOT Friday you tell you have decided that this is how it is going to be; She is free to live here with ABSOLUTE RESPECT to me. Or, she is free to leave. Tell you her you will check back with her on Sunday to hear which of the two options you provided she is going to choose. Then shut up and leave. (now you have hand)
If on Sunday, she says she picks neither, start packing up her stuff.
BTW, how do you know she hasn't banged tons of guys already? Most even half decent women can find an acceptable, willing partner in 15 minutes or so down at Home Depot. I say this not to bust your chops but you gotta let that fear go. You can't stop her from doing what she is gonna do. You just can't
<cliche>you have to worry about you, you are the only one you can save</cliche>
Way too much tit for tat argument type stuff. You are in the right but stop trying to convince her of it.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
