And here I am .... H's MLC ....

[Truegritter]

PEI

Hey I am going on this path with you right?

I found this in my thread from about a month ago and

Dammit I wish it wasn't Mach, but it was...

He said it, and I beleive this...

Real change takes courage in the face of the battle....fearing the unknown, yet reacting with a lack of fear.

And I'm not convinced that one can go into said battle with someone else's battle plan....

I am going to ask a tough one here ok?

Why did you feel you had to write that up there ^^^^^?

We have no agenda other than your growth and spiritual well being.

We are really strangers so we come here with no dog in your race...we invest ourselves here for you.

So that means what we say has no other purpose than what it means for you.

So I feel like you felt you had to defend where you are

And

We did challenge you.

And will continue to do that for no other purpose than to promote your growth.

This is not for us it is for you.

So you don't have to post your answer to my question

BUT

Promise me you will answer it to yourself and do it honestly.

Why all the rhetoric to convince us of something that should come from your core?...

...a decision that you should know and feel like breathing.

Think about it.

[ericmsant2]

PEI

Sorry girl I could not help to chime in again. Look - I only push the no regret thing because I do not want you to look back 2 yrs from now and realize that maybe just maybe you called it a day a little too soon. Only you know the answer.

For me, as I have posted...I am not sure what the hell you call where I am. I really have no idea. I know ONE thing..and that is that it is time for ME to live and for my W to live. If that means apart then so be it. If that means that she will change her mind...well I will cross that bridge when and if it happens.

I read on Shelbel post that sometime you must swim on your own. You know something...giving up on your M or filing for a D to me does not force you to swim on your own (now I am not saying that this is what Shelbel was trying to say - sorry shel). What really forces you to swim on your own is YOU. ONLY YOU. Not me, not Grit, not Jack, no fuc*ing body on these boards. Only YOU.

Do me a favor - don't respond right now. YOu will want to defend yourself - you don't have to. Only do what YOU want to do and DO IT with NO REGRETS.

I have been married 17 years to my W. She has changed - so have I. We both are very different people. She has decided to file. She made her decision. She owns it. I made a decision as well. To live life to the fullest. To live my life with no regrets. That is not to say I will not nor have not made mistakes - Please PEI - don't make a mistake. Take your time.

God Bless,
Eric

[beingreal]

No offense taken, Eric. I can only speak for myself.

Thank you for just shining another light on it & looking at my comment from another angle.

<looks back at her first post here & then back to ^^^ this & wonders how the hell *that* happened?? lol>


Take a deep breath, P. They ask because they care. They are the hard effing questions we all talk about.

You owe it to yourself to answer. I'll be sitting here with the black cherry wine when you need me. And it.

(((hugs)))

this chit is hard.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Promise me you will answer it to yourself and do it honestly.

Why all the rhetoric to convince us of something that should come from your core?...

...a decision that you should know and feel like breathing.

Think about it.

I was thinking the exact same thing, TG.

Sorry, PEI. Just bein' honest.

Puppy

[PEI]

Sorry, PEI. Just bein' honest.

Puppy

As if honesty is a problem, really Puppy? Apologizing for speaking your truth? I wouldn't post it if I didn't expect honesty in people's comments.

I really debated posting, because honestly, I figured this was the response I would get. And my thoughts were ... well let it come, read it, look for the truth, wear it and see how it fits. The more you guys question and challenge me, the more thinking I do and the more clarity I get.

I read it all. Twice. And I'm looking for the sting Jack, I really am. And it's just not there.

I'm just gonna make a few points about stuff I think was misunderstood. Hmmmm ... I'm guessing that'll be seen as defensive again, but what the heck ... it's how I roll...

missher ... I haven't closed the door on my marriage. I stopped standing on the threshold trying to entice him back through, and I closed it over, I didn't shut it tight. I've said it before, it's not my door to close.

Eric ... I'm not suppressing anger, really I'm not. I let it out in spades. And it consumed me. So now I'm learning that I can have some, and acknowledge it, without it raging out of me. And I get that my "plan" seemed to change overnight ... that's why I tried to explain the process that happened within me ... the understanding and clarity. My plan was always to support him and love him unconditionally, I just finally understood what that meant.

I'm sure that you are not implying that I made my choice to "not stand" lightly, because I can assure you that I did not. The best interests of my children are always my priority. Always. See that's the thing ... letting my H decide what he wants to do is EXACTLY my point.

breal ... I would agree with your friend, without a crystal ball you can't say the door is closed forever IMO.

J3B ...

Using it as an excuse to move past your marriage however, and justifying it that you two never really belong together and you just 'flicked' on the lightswitch of enlightenment after 15 years of marriage?

Here's where I really started to look for the sting ... expected it even. And it didn't come. I'm not saying we never belonged together, in fact we probably could have made it work and been reasonably happy.

I am glad that you admitt to showing us what we know about you. : )

I'm not sure what you're getting at here ^^^^

I do not want your thanks if your chocie is hasty and ill thought out. I do not want your thanks for bad judgement because it feels like control to you.

Were you really wrong for 15 years?

I doubt that, I ultimately think, that you are letting your fear control you, and convincing yourself otherwise.

I wouldn't want thanks in those situations either. This is far from ill thought out ... just the opposite actually. Wrong for 15 years? No. But not right either. We just were. Some good times, some great times, some bad times and some really awful times. I wouldn't trade them for anything, they gave me one of my best friends and three beautiful kids. Ultimately those 15 years led me to this experience. That's life. Oh, and this is the first time in months that I haven't been rules and driven by fear. I can appreciate that you, and most on here, believe that I have deceived myself ... I would too in your position. I happen to respectfully disagree

Twink ...

I know because I started down PEI's thought path briefly, then stopped myself and promptly turned around. I realized that I was only lying to myself to make this easier.

How do you see my thought path Twink? I'm curious because there is nothing easy about the path I've chosen.

Grit ... hey man! Again, I almost didn't post it because I thought it would be interpreted as 'defensive'. Really it's not, but to each his own ... I guess only time will tell eh! I really like to just get it out, explain myself, not defend myself ... because I do feel misunderstood perhaps (completely understandable), but not defensive. That did come from my core. And yes, I spend a lot of time in the mirror ... honesty is the only option, with myself, with H, with you guys. Without it, I risk regrets.

Eric ... I get it. No regrets. And I have none.

I know ONE thing..and that is that it is time for ME to live and for my W to live. If that means apart then so be it. If that means that she will change her mind...well I will cross that bridge when and if it happens.

Honey, I couldn't agree with you more! And on this too ...

She has changed - so have I. We both are very different people. She has decided to file. She made her decision. She owns it. I made a decision as well. To live life to the fullest. To live my life with no regrets. That is not to say I will not nor have not made mistakes.

This isn't about giving up on H, it's about really seeing him and respecting him and loving him. Loving him enough to want him to be happy even if that means leaving me. Loving him enough to not ask him to change to be what I need (and that's not to say he can't or won't change, just that I won't ask that of him, if he changes it has to be for himself). Loving him enough to let him go, without anger, resentment or bitterness.

YOu will want to defend yourself - you don't have to. Only do what YOU want to do and DO IT with NO REGRETS.

I do not want to defend myself. And I know I don't have to. These are my choices and my decisions and I am living without regrets. I really am. Trust me.


breal ... I'm breathing, and smiling. I know they care, it's why they all invest their time and energy posting to strangers on a website. There is no reason other than they care. And really, if it stung then I would have to look at it ... that's why I welcome it.

Thank you, all of you.
Peace
PEI

[Jack_Three_Beans]

PEI,

If you can take that and none of it stings, then good for you.

and then I have 2 questions for you.

Despite what you might or might not think of what I beleive : )

1st question, if you feel this way, why rush forward with anything, let him see this new self assured you for a bit. Moving with haste is usually not the best idea. Just saying if this is the new you...a little more time will not hurt and will only help firm you up.

2nd, did you meet someone nice? I really actually do not need or want you to answer that for anyone but you to yourself.

[Twink]

How do you see my thought path Twink? I'm curious because there is nothing easy about the path I've chosen.

PEI, I know that. None of this is easy for any of us, regardless of the path we choose through it. And you're correct that I can't possibly know your entiire thought path. I only recognized a small portion of it.

I was referring to what Jack and I read the same way -- your apparent conclusion that you were not meant to be together from the start. I walked those few feet myself at one point, and yes, it would have made it easier for me to believe that that was the reason our S was inevitable. Predictable, inevitable fate. Should have seen it, now get over it. As I thought about it, though, I realized that to believe it, I would have to lie to myself about the truth of our M. For our first 30+ years together, except for a couple of tough times, we were very good together on every level, and I couldn't deny that. That's all I was saying. I tried to make it easier on myself by rewriting our history myself, and I just couldn't do it.

I wouldn't want you to choose your path on anything less that the truth. I'm not saying you have. I'm just asking you to be sure.

[Truegritter]

I just wanted to point out how much courage it takes to be here to begin with.

It takes courage to share the very private and intimate parts of your life.

It takes courage to want to grow because that is hard work.

PEI you did not have to come here and tell us that you had decided this.

BUT

You did.

You knew we would challenge every aspect of this.

And THAT took courage.

There have been some excellent thoughts put out here...

My general observation that comes from my own experience is that I have come through an amazing transformation during this process.

I have become a whole new person from a month ago...capable of much better and greater things I never thought possible.

What that means for my M remains to be seen but I know it will not look the same as it did.

I am not the same person...

And I know that if there is a R with my W then it will look completely different than our M has been.

So

What happens in a relationship when people grow and are allowed to be themselves, without our control, expectations and fear?

I don't know because I haven't been there...

All I know is what was possible inside me.

And I see that hope play out on these boards every day.

If that same power is let to flourish in a M than anything is possible...

THAT I know as sure as I breath.

[ericmsant2]

T –

I hope you know that most of my posts come from my heart. They do. They are most often derived from my own personal EXPERIENCES, views, overall thoughts and feelings that I have HAD and still think about to this day. Sooo…..

I could not help but think about JB3 last post to you. You know the second question that he posted to you. The one that took some serious balls to put out there – the type of question that I am sure many have but do not have the guts to ask. Think about his question to you but before you do….

Let me tell you a little story T.

My D (who means the world to me) always comes to me whenever she gets any type of cut or scratch. It could be a scratch or in some cases it was a deep cut. A deep wound if you will. Whatever it is she comes to me with the same request. “Daddy can I have a band-aid”. Sometime she is crying, sometimes she is not.

A “band-aid”….think about that for one second. A band-aid. Many of us come here so wounded, so hurt, so exposed, so VULNERABLE. We use this place initially as a band-aid until we finally “get it”. Until we finally realize that our own healing is the most important task that we need to undertake. Yep, it is not saving the M that is the biggest hurdle – it is dealing with our own issues that are. Our own hurts, our own faults, our own sh*t. Some will be able to face it – some will not. Now, maybe I am only speaking about myself here – maybe I am not. This is just my opinion. After a while on these boards, things start to get a little better. Friendships are formed, a sense of healing comes, a sense of “I can do this” finally hits us.

And so we begin the process of putting humpty dumpty back together again. Sometime we feel like we have done it – “were okay now”, “we’ve healed”. The longer I am in this process of self discovery, healing and personal growth – the more I realize that this takes TIME.

You know, sometimes we put a band-aid on our wound. I am not saying that this is what you have done. Nope. I am simply giving you something to think about. That is it.

Sometime the wound is deep and we yet we still put a band-aid on it. A scab is formed over the wound and we feel better. Sometimes that band-aid can come in the form of someone else. Sometimes that band-aid is the quick fix that we think we need. It really is not. See, the band-aid will fall off and the scab will be exposed. The scab that covers the wound that is in us. You know, my advice to my D is always to remove the band-aid so that the cut has the air it needs to really heal. As I explain to her the longer you keep the band-aid on the longer it will take to heal the wound. BUT if you leave the band-aid on the wound takes a lot longer to heal and sometimes does not. My D has left the band-aid on too long and when she takes it off, the scab that has formed over the wound comes off and it is nasty. Looks nasty. Just “yucky”.

Now…I know you see where I am going with this. My advice to you would be this T – don’t cover the wound with a band-aid.

I am not judging you T – I never will. I have made the mistake of judging others in the past. I can only tell you that have lived it. I have for years covered the wounds with a band-aid. I have been married for 17 years. With my W for 19 years. Yet she never fully understood the depth of my pain. The depth of my wound. As your friend, you can cover it T – you can. We can “feel” a certain way and think we are okay. Yet the wound is still there. You can run from it – it will catch up to you. You will think you are healed when you are not. You may hurt others. I have. I know. I want you to save you the pain that you may feel later by not letting the wound heal on it’s own.

T – look at Jack’s first question….then sit back and think about it.

I know that whatever you do, you own. It is your truth.

Oh…and please don’t respond to this…just sit back and feel it and then live it.

God Bless,
Eric

[MHL]

PEI,

So I get what everyone is saying and I agree and feel the same way about your situation, but respect your decision b/c it is YOUR situation. I often think about how much I have changed and what if my W and I get back together and she hasn't changed.

Would I still want her?

I can not answer that question until I get there and yes it would be risky letting down my guard to be open and vulnerable to getting hurt again. That's what love is.....trusting someone with your heart.

The other reason I would need to wait to get there is that I have not interacted with her as her H since I have changed. Who is to say that once I have applied what I have learned about my role as a H that is aware and sensitive to her needs, that would have an affect on her?? Maybe her change comes about after mine, and it takes more patience later after we are back together. Look at "Piecing", couples still having to work on the M or on each other.

I know that you have read "How to improve your marriage without talking about it", thank you for recommending it. What if you and your husband were back in a R w/o outside influences and you started treating him in such a way that you did not trigger his "shame" index. (For those of you that have not read this book it is very good, explains alot) Is it possible he may change based on how you have "changed"???

I'm not trying to change your mind here just asking you to consider more questions.