Thank you Zoo. You have a very good point there. I had not formulated things exactly in that way before... Maybe my frustration is making things more difficult for him... I will have to give that some thought...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I feel for your H...what a tangled web we weave...And now how can he feel anything for her! I agree with Zoo, something doesn't sound right. Don't pressure your H, he might have more on his plate than he can handle!
Well Zoo, your post is very illuminating and frankly I suspect you have hit the nail in the head. What you said goes with the known facts so far...
Quote: This first statement of his mades me wonder...considering the type of control you have said she has in the business...it is almost like she is holding something over his head. In the normal scheme of things a business holder wouldn't give that kind of control to someone...it would be begging for financial ruin. Something about that just doens't "ring" right if you know what I mean.
My H has admitted to being a lousy employer, too soft (his words). He was overwhelmed by family problems (father, uncle, grandmother dies, mother was very sick and ultimately dies. He had to travel for weeks to take care of family issues...) and thought it was easier to leave everything in her hands... Not a wise move, I know, but fits the picture.
Quote: Your H does have a predicament too. He cannot fire OW simply because YOU ask him too nor because he had an A with her. It is basically illegal to do so. You generally have to have "just cause" to terminate an employee. That is why most employers will use things like counseling sheets and keep track of "occurences" etc. This allows them to terminate an employee justifiably and have paperwork to back it up withut having to worry about a lawsuit. It also has an effect on un-employment claims etc (if I remember correctly...business law class was a while ago ). If your H were to fire her because YOU don't want her there and because of the A and she can prove that...well then, she can conceivably sue your H for wrongful dismissal. If she were to win then you are looking at some not-so-desirable possibilities.
1. OW would be awarded a SUBSTANTIAL amount of money to compensate her for "lost wages, pain and suffering...possibly even defamation and sexual harrassment"
2. Depending on the wording of the paperwork that her name is on, it could be construed as her having some form of partnership or "viable interest" in the company/bussiness. If the court were to see it as such then they could conceivably force dissolvement of the business and award her her "share".
3. The courts would deem her termination as wrongful and require she be re-instated to her former position with compensation...ie: increased salary, more benfits etc or just a big lump sum payment.
Right on target again... Texas has rather liberal employment laws but she actually mentioned that her family wanted her to sue him. She always talks of the office as 'our office' and 'our clients' and had felt a proprietary interest in it (she ASSumed she was going to marry him and was waiting only for the D -that he never filed- to be final). And it would go with H's hints as to dire legal consequences.... And he may not like the idea of using my money to fight the lawsuit... for rather obvious reasons.
Quote: A lot would depend on just how savvy this OW is. Judging by the amount of control she has managed to empower herself with...I would say she isn't "stupid" by any means
She is fairly savvy: used to work in a court house and has lots of lawyer friends. And she read up on D law since she was expecting us to divorce. My SIL thinks she is a total manipulator...
Quote: You could have H backed into a corner on this one He could very well be trying like hell to find a good "legal" reason to get rid of her but if she is performing her job properly within the parameters laid out then he is finding it difficult. He may not want to tell you about the "hold" she has either because he doesn't want you to do anything rash nor does he want to hurt you anymore. He KNOWS this is a sensitive issue for you..."why make it worse" could be what he is thinking.
Right on target again, Zoo. Do you read tea leaves... ? I have a terrible temper, that is tightly under control 99.9% of the times. But when it explodes it does not count the consequences. My H has commented on it more than once... He even said he did not want me to get involved because of that...
Quote: One other thing..."believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see" could be something to consider when being told things by OW too She has a vested interest in your H in way of a steady income and power. She WILL tell you whatever it takes to keep control of those interests. At least that is the impression I get from your posts.
Agreed. I trust her only as far as I can throw her. I have not talked to her since August, except for hellos and so when I go to his office. And last time I called her and she told me all that drivel, I went to H and calmly asked if it was true... He denied and got upset but did not call her to contradict... I suggested to H that he told her he was reorganizing the office and having me bill and be office manager, but he refused because 'she would poison my mind.' And sure she has a vested interest! She has been feathering her nest with his office to the point of both CPAs sending him letter of warning... Would buy things for her house with office credit cards and the like.
In light of your post I may need to revise my goals and give him some more time. My H has commented on how I make things more difficult for him.
I have to think...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Thanks Deb. I think you are right, probably detachment and not pressure is the key...
Positives for 11/17/03: 1. He called me at 4 pm to tell me he had my atbs and would bring them when he got home. 2. He gave me my meds and tucked me in bed. Stayed to watch a DVD (not that he could have gone anywhere with my brother there...) 3. He made me coffee and brought me cheese and snacks to bed! 4. He may have said ILY when he left this morning (I am supposed to have said goodbye to him, but cannot remember a thing about him leaving at 6:30 am )
I did not feel at all well yesterday, so we did not snuggle or do things together but that is OK. There will be another days...
I am feeling much better today I still have a racking cough and sniffles but the 'glassy eyes' are gone and I do not feel so miserable
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I read with fascination the legal posts. We have touched on this before, but not so clearly.
I can understand you wanting to ask H about it in these terms too sometime. Maybe it would provide some relief to him if he understood that you are concerned about him and all that he has built. It is about protecting his assets, not about the OW. Does he a business lawyer? Some he could trust to lay it all out in front of and ask for advice how to regain control of his business and eventually remove OW?
That would be a softer approach and while OW is an issue, she wouldn't be primary.
Just a thought. Your positives sound so good. I hope they keep on building too!
Get some more rest!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
Quote: I can understand you wanting to ask H about it in these terms too sometime. Maybe it would provide some relief to him if he understood that you are concerned about him and all that he has built. It is about protecting his assets, not about the OW. Does he a business lawyer? Some he could trust to lay it all out in front of and ask for advice how to regain control of his business and eventually remove OW?
Great idea. I may touch on that subject at some point, when things are calmer and not so 'messed' up.
There is a time for every event under heaven...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Positives for 11/18/03 (I know, they are due tomorrow but I simply had to get my thread out of page 2):
1. I feel better (though I still sound terrible so everybody pities me ) 2. H came home and had dinner with us in the family room 3. We run into each other at work and I mentioned I felt better, he joked that since he had physicked me he should send me a bill... to be paid 'in kind' (with a very suggestive grin and roll of the eyes) 4. After dinner we watched Caillou and Barney with my bro and D (well, it IS quality TV for 4 year-olds )
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Quote: Well Zoo, your post is very illuminating and frankly I suspect you have hit the nail in the head. What you said goes with the known facts so far...
I'm glad that I could offer even a little bit of incite
Quote: And sure she has a vested interest! She has been feathering her nest with his office to the point of both CPAs sending him letter of warning... Would buy things for her house with office credit cards and the like.
That is a big NO-NO...proof of nest feathering could be constituted as embezzlement if your H was unaware of all of the liberties she has been taking. Unfortunately, the A could negate this...particularly if your H isn't up to some serious mudslinging. Now if your H were to openly admit to the A and be able to deal with some of the repercussions that might occur (some loss of business, people whispering etc) and has written PROOF from the CPA's (invoices, cc statements, HER sig on those statements)that shows she has been "dipping her hand in the till" so to speak...then MAYBE something could be done
Would YOU be able to deal with some of the nasty stuff that might come out? That is something you really would have to ask yourself. Is it worth all of that to get rid of someone who you seem pretty sure is no more then an annoyance now? A big annoyance to be sure
I think you are definitely on the right track about waiting to ask H gently about this stuff until things are more calm
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
I like the idea of the two of you consulting a lawyer, telling everything together and asking his advice.
Perhaps when things are settled down, you will be able to approach your husband about this idea...he'll see that you are on his side and don't want to do anything to jeapordize him or his business.
Yes, Zoo and PiB, that is what I intend to do. But I will have to be patient and find the right time
Patience, where are you?
Some more positives for today: 1. We woke up early and cuddled in bed together ( and fever do not mix) 2. He fixed breakfast for both 3. He mentioned having scheduled the meeting with the CPA for next Wednesday. 4. He offered to go and pick up my wedding ring 5. He said ILY before going to work.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
? I have a terrible temper, that is tightly under control 99.9% of the times. But when it explodes it does not count the consequences. My H has commented on it more than once... He even said he did not want me to get involved because of that...
)
