Well, here I sit after spending most of the last few days trying to help others be strong and hopefully, encouraging them that they are worth more than the way they are being treated. I truly feel this is what I want to do, professionally - help others in this situation and it's a good way to work through my own feelings over my situation.
HOWEVER... as I reflect right now, I am not doing as good a job discerning what to do in my situation! I guess it's always harder to know what to do about your own M because your emotions are involved. It's easier to look at others and be objective.
I'm not waivering on knowing I need to be "tough" (yet loving) but I truly need help in thinking about exactly how to do that in my given circumstance!
Here's a recap (for my own benefit as well as anyone else's who may want to chime in).
2 1/2 months ago H says he thinks he wants out: all my fault, of course: some issues I do believe are valid that he brings up but not enough to warrant D. H claims he only give 40% chance of M working out because he doesn’t believe I can change – that we are not good for each other.
Reactions: at first I tried reasoning with him, to no avail. I was lucky I’d read Dobson because I knew better than to beg or plead. I did make changes that addressed H’s complaints. I also became suspicious because I figured OW had to be involved somehow. (H had online A 13 years ago.) He denied anything like that saying I was using that as an “out” rather than facing up to my own issues. I snooped some – on his cellphone and FB account (had his password at the time). Found some things I didn’t care for, but nothing really damaging. He discovered my snooping and got snippy. I gave him an “I give up” speech – that he could do what he wanted – I could not control his behavior but wasn’t going to stand by and take it either.
Results: Worst weekend to date after that. H slept in office and did apt research. That Sun night I received a text msg by mistake he meant for an old GF discussing the old days of them having sex. When confronted he claimed he was leaving anyway. Big fight – kids found out about D being laid on the table, were very upset. However, that night, H ended up back in our room. I began IC the next day.
From there: big email exchange (posted on Callasdad’s thread – can post here if anyone wants to see it) with discussion of R. Good job, but didn’t know about DBing or Exposing or the likes yet. H stopped all talks of leaving M. I found DB and started GAL and 180s and H has not slept in office anymore. His behavior has vacillated, however, sometimes being warm other times being completely detached. At first, I thought we were on the road to total reconciliation because H even wanted to go to MC. After his first (and only) appt, however, he has not mentioned going back. FT says he is not ready to take any responsibility for his 50%. He went alone and spouted all the stuff about me ruining our finances and my depression issues being a complete excuse… etc. H made the comment to me that he appreciated all the big changes I’ve made. BUT…he also made the comment that he wasn’t sure he could ever feel “that way” about me again. He loved me and was attracted to me physically, loved me but not in love with me… His actions seem to indicate there is no A but I do believe there was possibly an EA or the start of one, in all this. He longer seeks to be outside the home or acts suspiciously, however, does keep his cell close by him at all times still. FT does not seem to believe there is PA.
Overall climate: At first, H went out of his way when he saw me upset to hold me, hug me, comfort me. (guilt maybe???) These days, he does not. Of course, these days I’m not acting upset anymore – no crying or acting hurt. His anger has subsided and he is very appreciative of anything I do for him. We do things together – mostly with the kids – and he acts fine. He makes absolutely no attempt though to be affectionate towards me. Well, except if he wants sex and then he reaches out. There’s been no talk of leaving or wanting out or about the R at all in 2 weeks. Things are very civil. Yet, there’s also been no talk of him returning to counseling or him saying ILY or anything else like that. I don’t know what to make of this.
Specific Examples: H is out of town. He makes sure to call me at night and is friendly, discussing his day and where he’s at. Asks quickly about my day but not in any detail. He seems to stay on the phone with me for no particular reason, yet does not say ILY when it’s time to go. Contrast: a month ago when he went to Vegas and was saying he was pretty sure he wanted out, he called me and said what a great time he was having, and said ILY when he went to hang up. This is most confusing to me! Why was he saying ILY back when he was also saying he wanted out – and not saying it now, after giving up all the weird behavior and constant talk of getting out???
Oh – and btw: when I came home from my first counseling session and when he came home from Vegas, he practically attacked me. Is that not strange???
SO: here is my dilemma: according to DBing, I shouldn’t bring up R talk to H or discuss him returning to FT: it should be his idea or his initiating conversation. How am I supposed to know if I am in reconciliation mode (making myself the better option, trying to reconnect with him) or if he is still “out there” and I should still be detaching and in total tough mode??? I’m very confused!
As you can see in my above post, the FT isn’t helping me with these specifics, so I guess I’m just looking for other opinions and some direction. I know to continue GAL and 180s, but don’t know what, exactly, that all entails right now or how to draw him in. Do I try Seeing Red’s approach of late or am I to be the hard-to-get challenge because he’s still not falling in line???
I know that if H is truly committed to restoring the M that he has to be willing to let me see that darn cellphone – and give me email/FB passwords – whenever I ask… but I don’t know if it is the time to bring that up yet. And how am I to know if I’m not supposed to initiate R talk???
