1) She gets lots of "support" from her friends and she pushes on through living on her own and the D becomes final
2) The situation gets to her, and support from her friends isn't enough because they can't be there 24/7 for her.
I basically have until the end of August before she is completely on her own and gets and apartment.
All her mom keeps saying is that she wants both of us to be "happy", whether it is with each other or down the road with other people. She wants our pain to end.
But I am working through it and doing a big home improvement project. I am sure she will notice it, but that usually sets her off and makes her want to leave even more.
Puppy keeps saying that he could write my situation line for line. I am curious as to what he did after she moved out. Or did it never come to that? He also had in-laws on board, which I do not anymore.
I know this is a PROCESS. And it takes alot of time.
She just thinks all the changes and 180s I have done don't mean anything because I exposed her affair twice, and am "clinging" onto the house.
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That's your kryptonite right now QS ... You take everything your wife says and does to heart and at face value... You assume there's nothing beneath that at all...
You are right and I am WORKING on that. But WHAT SHE DOES also speaks volumes and volumes. Pure determination is what it is. She is a very driven person, and it hurts to watch her running FULL SPEED at divorce. It's like it is her job, and she wants to make it to the top. That's the approach she takes.
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 07/13/1005:24 PM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
DR says very clearly ignore 100% of what they say and 50% of what they do...
You are fixating on 100% of what she says and 100% of what she does.. You need to STOP THAT
She's determined to feel BETTER again... That's all.. Her mother is ignorant and just wants to help but is only going to be of so much help if she isn't able to grasp simple marriage saving concepts.
Being happy again is something you BOTH want, but BLAMING your spouse and running away into divorce isn't gonig to solve that... She will learn that eventually... But it won't happen right away.
She is and does notice the changes you are making... She USES the expose as an EXCUSE to FIGHT the changes you are making and RESIST owning her problem.
That's the key stepping stone for her is that she has to say "OK, the marriage is mine too and I contributed to 50% of the problems AND my childish and hurtful escape from them."
That's going to take her TIME... And when her mommy sends her money and others enable her she gets to avoid having to take that step.
SHe will take it eventually, it may take her several months.
If you want to throw her a curve ball pack her things into boxes so when she shows up on Friday you are ready for her...
If you LEAVE everything in its place she will pack up and milk it for every ounce of pain its worth...
My advice is to pack everything for her and leave it in dry storage, she shows up you just hand her a key to dry storage, ask her to return her key, and ask her to leave the home.
YOu sell when YOu are ready to, if you want to...
Her determination to divorce in her mind just means her sadness will end, but it won't... she will get divorced, put up a brave face to all ehr friends and then go home and cry for hours on end in private...I have been there... Trust me its a FRONT
This woman is one mean poker player... You have to have BALLS to play a hand with her... BALLS of STEEL
The key to winning the divorce battle is to be one step ahead of yoru spouse at all times, you call teh shots, you set the rules, you call the meetings
She's called a meeting for friday.. YOU throw a loop in that by hiring a moving team to take all her stuff to dry storage... She shows up here on Friday and you don't even let her in, you hand her they key to Drsy storage and ask her for the hosue key and go inside... Don't even say good bye
She will be PISSED again, but this is the adult way to handle it...
If you leave this in HER hands she will call all her buddies over to teh house and take ALL DAY packing it all up and will flaunt the pack and move for all its worth.. she may even invite men over and flirt in front of you...
You do NOT want that scene but you DO NOT want to leave her to pack it without you knowing what she's taking.
YOu have several days here to get a leg up and pack her stuff FOR her...
If she has an apartment you may be legally entitled to change the locks as well...
Well she can't get an apartment until the end of August.
She is staying with a friend right now.
She is coming by Friday to get my answer.
1) If I agree to sell the house, then she will stay and work on getting the house ready for sale, and stay at her girlfriend's, place when she feels she needs to
2) If I don't agree to sell she will stay at her girlfriend's in between business trips until the apartment is open. So in effect she will be out of the house for like 50-60 days before she gets her apt.
All I am saying is that I FEEL like if she gets her own place then in her mind there is totally no going back, ever. She will have a 1 year lease, paid all those lawyer and divorce bills ect. She is VERY money conscious.
AND I will have no idea what and WHO she is doing. Everything I have been able to blow apart is because of really good intel. Her at her own place eliminates that, and I would be flying blind.
As long as she pays half the mortgage, I don't think I can keep her out. But I can NOT be here when she is.
And my goal is to finish ALL the home improvement projects and make this house so nice that only an idiot would sell it.
My goal is NOT to be here on Friday, and make her track me down and contact ME. Then I want to ignore her and come home REALLY late. If she is here, fine, I don't talk to her.
I will tell her that I will discuss sale of the house at our FC session next week.
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 07/13/1005:52 PM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
Your call, but If she lives there i would make a VERY FIRM rule that if she lives in that home there will be RESPECT extended BOTH directions.
You tell her if she says anything negative or you catch her flirting with other men on facebook, eHarmoney, or any other website or her cell phone she is OUT
If she is just going to use your home to disrespect you and cheat on you behind your back that's cruel and selfish and I would tell her that if that's her plan she can live elsewhere...
I know its hard man... I know, but if you let her in unconditionally she's just giong to hit facebook and eHarmoney and eveyrthing else becuase YOU didn't set the rules when she comes back.
You REALLY need to get this into your head FAST.. That you CANNOT let HER call the shots here... She gave you two choices for friday.
My advice is to take option C - YOU call teh shots and THIS Is how its giong down - and you DO IT and Don't WAIT for her say so.
Whatever YOU want, you DO and don't let HER have hte upper hand.. she THINKS she's runnign this becuase she gave you two options and told you that she's coming back friday.. She's treating YOU like a CHILD
I am suggesting YOU show her YOU are the ADULT here and do something DIFFERENT and CHALLENGE her... When you back down to her play she just grins quietly to herself and loses respect fo ryou becuase you BACKED DOWN
Your call but I owuld make itVERY clear you want respect and civility from her and she's not shown any so damn far...
If you jsut agree to something at her command she is giong to run roughshod all over you and you will NOT get where you want in teh end... She will NOT respect a man she can push around
And I will be honest with you. You got very LUCKY with exposure.
THere are guys and women on this forum who have little to no exposure leverage.
WIth YOUR wife one guy was married and the other guy had a CO you could expose to.
If your wife finds a single guy who dont give a rats ass if you tell his mommy and daddy on him THEN what are you gonna do?
Is that your plan, invite her to live there until the hosue is sold and try to expose every guy she chaes for the next few months and hope to GOD they all run away?
OR ELSE WHAT!!!!!??????? I cannot agree with Allen enough. Why is SHE calling the shots? Do NOT be around on Friday.
You have two choices? Says who? You have a million choices. Why is she dictating options to you. Everything you write is about what she says, what she might do. What do you want to do?
I can smell your fear from here. This is a 4x4 not a 2x4! Please realize you are fuc!ed. Going easy on her is NOT going to save your marriage. Allowing her to bully you is NOT going to save your marriage. Somehow you keep coming back to worrying about what might upset her. FORGET IT!
Your only chance rests with doing what is good for you and your self-respect. Your current, weakling stance on things will have you divorced at best or living as a cuckold in perpetuity at worst. Face it.
Not a single marriage that I can think of has been saved without this first step. What you are doing is NOT working. Please stop posting over and over about how bad she wants out and what fearful thing she might do to you if you don't bend over and take it. You know what??? If you bend over and take it, she's just gonna do more of it.
Trust the folks here, stand up to her, really stand up to her. try something different. It will throw her for a loop and she may get far more mad than she already is (I remember my wife drunk, crazy pissed, shouting obscenities at me, literally flailing around akin the tazmainian devil from the cartoons).
Standing up to her might get your wife back, if nothing else, it will get your balls back and you're gonna need those whether she stays or goes.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
DownNotOut.. I think you have said it a lot more plainly than I could ever have.
QS, you need to find your balls here.. NEVER accept an optoin that your spouse dumps at your feet.. its a TABLE SCRAP
We aren't reccomending battle her at HER level and LIE and HURT her BUT, you CAN speak UP foryourself in ACTIOn by
Making your OWN choices, rather than only accepting those SHE gives you
Acting BEFORE she initiates action... That is, taking the initiative and the reigns of the marriage yourself.
If you let her drive this car she's gonna run it right into teh ditch...
YOU are behind the wheel YOU decide when to turn and how to operate the vehicle and you leave HER in teh passenger seat to wait it out...
Find your balls and find em fast...
I am suggesting TWO options coutner to hers
a. She MAY continue to live in your home DESPITE her lies and betrayal, PROVIDED that she agree to NO MORE internet/cell phone affairs in the home.. AT ALL - 100% respect on both sides while you both live there b. If you don't think you can trust her - pack her crap into boxe and leave it at the dry storage and tell her she's not trustworthy and not welcome there anymroe until she acts like an adult
I would do THAT instead... If she won't agree to monogamy while livign in the home then toss her things out.. TEll her sorry, but you can't trust her and you DO deserve respect in your own home
