Well, the conversation that I just had was as close as I'm going to get to closure, I think.
I phoned STBXH tonight to ask him about how the appointment with the coparenting psychologist went. It turned into a much more involved conversation than I expected. STBXH basically laid his cards on the table in many areas.
* he liked the psychologist but had the impression that most of the coparenting plan was stuff that we could work out together (he also felt that she was not super supportive of our parenting style)
* we agreed to look at the coparenting plan template together and try to hammer out as much as possible on our own and possibly seek professional input for areas where there is conflict or lack of clarity
* we agreed that we both want what's best for the children and that we agree about 90% of parenting issues
* STBXH stated clearly that he would like our children to continue living in this home if that's what I want and that he was willing to make financial concessions (not legally required) to facilitate that
* he said that he felt bad that he hadn't made the above clear, because he had been thinking along those lines for a long time
Well, I know some of this was surprising, but it sounds like a very productive conversation, even though you still haven't gotten much closure. I'm glad you can talk cordially about this stuff and glad he's thinking about the kids, too. Also happy to hear he'll try to keep you guys in the house. It's sad that this is what it's come to, but of all the possibilities of how he could be acting, I like what I hear here.
Originally Posted By: flowmom
* he said that he would far rather get a less favourable settlement in the divorce than give tons of money to lawyers
* he said that he had no idea about what his financial picture would look like...sounded fatalistic about it
So, we had the amicable divorce conversation. Having skipped all the conversations that you'd expect to have after the "I don't know how I feel and I'm moving out for a trial separation" conversation.
Frustrating you never got those conversations in between. But maybe you will- sometimes I think it happens out of order. Or, he could think he's actually explained it to you based on some of the other stuff you wrote about communication... Is that possible?
I want to give you the same speech my IC gave me about the money guilt. They've made this choice and need to feel the consequences. We don't need to become totally uncaring- we don't revel in them going down financially- but our job as moms is to take care of ourselves and our kids. As long as you know you're acting as an adult with integrity, it's ok. You aren't taking $ away from him- I think it's good for many reasons for you to have more independent income, but for now, you need support. Do not feel bad about it- if it helps, think only of your kids- he's still their dad and it's his responsibility to help support them. If it'll be very hard financially, he should've thought of that before he walked out. You're already making sacrifices I'm sure, and he has to learn to do this, too. I feel similarly to you in some ways- guilty or feeling bad that he'll be struggling financially, but honestly, it was their choice. They get to be "free" and "get to" keep the responsibility of supporting the kids (and wife) they brought into this world.
Originally Posted By: flowmom
STBXH and I were friends before we were lovers. And I see now that we will probably be able to be coparents and friends. Having finally had a conversation with STBXH, I am reassured that he is still the same mostly honourable man that I have always known and loved. Sucks that our marriage failed, but I guess the consolation prize is that we will be able to bring some decency and goodwill to the process of making the best of this for our children.
I am glad to hear that, but understand how it's a little bewildering, too. If he's the "same guy", why is all this happening? It's confusing how the one piece went off track, but they seem the same in every other way... It is good news for the kids, though. You guys will be a rare set of parents to be able to do things this way, and many of your fears about what this will "do to" your kids will be - not totally removed- but not as likely if you guys can keep the friendship/co-parenting in a positive place. The bad things kids go through are mostly due to their parents not being able to communicate and work together, putting the kids in the middle, etc. If you don't do that, they'll be pretty well off, despite this yuckiness.
Originally Posted By: flowmom
Frankly, my STBXH doesn't really seem to fit the profile of either the typical WAS or MLCer. He was just done. Not that it really matters at this point.
I feel a bit numb, a bit relieved...and there is still some disbelief.
I hear you. I go through days where I'm just all business and lists to do. But that disbelief is sitting under there. In a lot of ways, where we are makes sense (me, not you), but in some ways, it's still impossible to conceive.
Originally Posted By: flowmom
I guess it bugs me a bit that STBXH probably thinks that I am OK with us divorcing, based on my actions. Not that it makes any difference to the outcome. But maybe I'll have to send that "honesty" email at some point...for me.
You know I've had this fear too. We don't protest, argue, pursuade... so what do they think??? I have yet to get a good answer from some wise person on this. If H was showing me what I'm showing him, I would definitely conclude that he didn't care about saving our M and was done with us. Despite having reminded him to the contrary, actions speak much louder than words. Maybe some smart person here will weigh in and tell us what we're missing- why this belief is false...
