Another sleepless night... Sunday's are hard because she works til ten, when I'm just barely asleep. And when she gets home I wake and then can't stop thinking.
She's not attracted to me. Doesn't like my touch. Has enjoyed sex (though we have it infrequently), but doesn't like holding my hands nor any type of physical contact.
My question to the more experienced DB'ers; can this ever come back? Or is it just a chemistry thing? I'm sure it was there once, when we were first dating/married. Despite all our problems, it's always been there for me.
I'm going to talk to a bankruptcy attorney as well as a divorce attorney this week. I'm not going to file for D, I just want to know what my options/responsibilities are especially in regards to alimony and child support.
Another question I have is how to act during our MC sessions. Should I use the same DB demeanor (cheerful, friendly etc.) or should I open my heart (and ears!). I think the fact that she is willing to go to counseling is a good sign, so I don't want to blow it, but I also don't want to sabotage my DBing.
Should I use the same DB demeanor (cheerful, friendly etc.) or should I open my heart (and ears!).
Where in DBing does it say to close your heart and ears?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
It doesn't. I've just been working so hard at home to not talk about the R (or more likely, put my foot in my mouth) that I'm worried that I'll drop my guard in MC, and she'll see how badly I want to make this work.
And it doesn't help that our MC is telling us that we need to talk about things more; despite the fact that at home this make my wife very uncomfortable. That might be due to me not just listening and validating her concerns.
Well, if I open my heart to my wife, I'd have to tell her that I love her and want her to stay. I thought this was pursuing her, and other than the first week where I was a basket case, I've refrained as much as I can.
The Bible says that all things are possible with God. It's those last two words that make the difference. Your W obviously is not in God's will for her life and she won't have the feelings that she could have if she would open her heart to God, His plan for her life, and you. The problem is that she has a closed heart to everything. I think it will take a huge amount of therapy and a very long time.....or else a crises. She's fighting against you and against the love you want to give her. Therefore she won't feel love for you as long as she rejects it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
When I came home yesterday, my W wanted to see our financial sitch. She's always avoided it like the plague, so she was shocked to see how much debt we had etc. We're in pretty bad shape and it hit her like a ton of bricks.
After we put our Ds to bed, we started working through some of the stuff our MC gave us to kind of choose a path. I was at my best! I listened, didn't give any unsolicited opinions or advice, but was open and honest when asked.
But (and there's always a but...)
It looks like my wife is deciding to stay in our house for two main reasons. The first is our Ds. She really wants me to be a part of their lives, everyday. Which I am glad for. And the second reason is that we/she just can't afford to have her move out. Her income is 1/4 of mine, and she's worried that not only can't she afford her own place, but that she wouldn't be able to provide for even half of what the kids would need in joint custody. And she's right.
So we talked about how we could make this work. I set a boundary of no open marriage, and she agreed without hesitation. Said that she thought that it would be "sick." We talked about family gatherings, church, sleeping arrangements, etc. She said that she didn't want to give me hope, nor hurt me.
We talked about making sure that we do things as a family (like church) and what we would do about family gatherings (ie holidays). Basically we would act like a normal, happy couple.
It was a great, open talk that lasted around 3 hours. She cried, laughed, and seemed at peace with what this arrangement. She's still very conflicted about why we're in this mess, especially what God wanted for her. She's also willing to continue MC. I asked her if she was going to keep MC going, and she said "if you want." Not exactly a ringing endorsement, and I worry that she's just going to "suck it up" to keep the domestic arrangements tranquil. She feels responsible for my feelings and I know she doesn't want to hurt me.
She also talked about how she felt when I was sick, and I understand a bit better what she went through. I wish she had acted differently, but I can understand. She felt that no one was there for her, that she had no one to confide in, and that I was unavailable. That can be a very lonely spot for a young wife worrying about her husband dying.
So why am I writing this? I don't want to be just friends. I want my wife back. She's physically not a WAS, but she's walked away from our relationship, and I don't know what to do. I want to love her, and her to love me again, in a great relationship. And I'm scared that I'll forever be waiting for her to hold my hand, to let me back into her heart.
I know that if she had left our house, I'd be thinking and feeling the same thing, but it's much harder when she's sleeping in the same bed, living in the same rooms, etc.
I don't know what to do! Do I tell her this arrangement won't work, that she needs to leave? Or what? It felt so good to just listen to her, but I don't know that this is a healthy arrangement. It doesn't feel right, it feels like a compromise.
I want her to decide to stay because our M is something she wants to improve, to make it work, not because it's financially convenient or easier or "better" for the kids.
Am I expecting more than she can give right now, but something that can change within this arrangement? Or am I putting myself in a damaging, dangerous situation that'll be bad for my mental health, as well as for my children?
Basically we would act like a normal, happy couple.
Quote:
Or am I putting myself in a damaging, dangerous situation that'll be bad for my mental health, as well as for my children?
So what is the solution? Nothing has changed.
Are you willing to live like this?
Goals -
Marriage
Health/Physical
Mental/Intellectual
Professional
Financial
Emotional
Social
Hobbies
.......
Lead your family, your wife is either all in or you will decide how to best get a D.
Limbo will suck the life out you, you have choices. Get busy.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Here's the thing, Pinhead......you just signed up for the buddy-buddy system and it doesn't work well in a MR. It will quickly turn into more resentment and more bad behavior.
She has told you that she does not want you. But, you aren't really listening to that. You and she had a long talk and may feel better.....and she may act better for a few days, but trust me, she isn't going to stick to the "no open M" boundary. She will be looking for OP to make her happy and you will be watching her....frustrated b/c you are not seeing her work on the M. That's the thing.....even though she's told you that she wants out of the M......you will continue to watch her and wonder why she isn't working at the R.
This type of arrangement can wear you down to a stump unless you really have a good mental attitude.....such as Coach laid out.
BTW, is she doesn't want to sleep in same bed.....she needs to move to another room, but you stay put in the master bedroom.
I catch you later when I have a bit more time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She said she's fine sleeping in the same bed, but since she mentioned the possibility of moving the girls into one bedroom and sleeping in the freed up room, I wonder how honest she's being.
I understand that she's said she does not want me. Yet she's going to counseling with me. In Coach's immortal words, how can I tell if she is "all in?" Wouldn't the same doubts exist if we were separated, then decided to go to counseling? I guess she'd be acting differently.
My pastor had an interesting insight into her when I spoke with him. He said she "had more anger per pound than anyone he's ever met." When I mentioned that she had been abused by a family member as a child, he said it was obvious from her body language.
We meet with our MC tomorrow, so I'm not going to make any hasty decisions until after that session. I know what my gut tells me, and what my heart tells me. I just don't want to give up too early and make the demise of my marriage a self fulfilling prophecy.
