This sounded like a "I need some space" email. It still feels like she wanted you to know that she still is interested in pursuing the new R you and her are building.
What would make you feel wanted? By your W or anyone else. You have come through this awful time brilliantly, made a life for yourself, worked on being your own man ... I am truly amazed at how well you have done. Yet you still need to feel that sense of being wanted. Is it a kind of validation of sorts?
Just wondering.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I think it's healthy for her to want a hobby that is hers.
Ask her "how can I help you with that?" Let her ask you to join her in it. Maybe pick up a magazine about hiking and give it to her, "I saw this and thought of you." Be her partner, stand at her side on this.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I agree with Coach that it's healthy for her to have a hobby that's hers.
however, I disagree on the part of asking how can I help and giving her hiking stuff. (Sorry Coach)
Let me explain.
She wants space. She is taking up hiking to have a hobby of her own. If he steps in and gives her stuff, helps, whatever.... it's not her own-it's now shared. And it's not having space, he's now involved.
My H is like that. I ask for help or share an idea and he's taking over- assuming he's helping or being involved.... it's like the MIL that comes for a visit and rearranges your house and is suggesting paint colors. What it does is just make me feel less like me and less in control of me.
She clearly states that she feels "overwhelmed by 'your' or 'our' life. It seems very obvious and I feel like a dolt. "
You need to step back from whatever hobby she chooses. Make positive comments ("I'm glad you had a great hike", "the lake sounds beautiful") only when she shares with you.... leave out the whole "wish I could have seen it too" or whatever....
I agree with Soxfan ... my H does that a lot; taking things practically out of my hands when I am still trying to figure whatever out. He thinks he is helping me (and he is), but he is also not allowing me the time when I want to hand it over. So, no helping out with the hobby except to listen and validate.
It does kinda sound like she's DB'ing. She is trying to GAL of her own, just like you got one (the one you were worried you may have to give up). Don't now assume she doesn't want you, Future.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I dont like fishing. I dont even particularily like the taste of fish; but they do make for good analogies:
Quote:
When many Muskie fishermen think of trolling, they think of Autumn presentations. However, what they are actually doing are missing out on one of the most effective ways to consistently catch large Muskies throughout the year. Many of the Muskie fishermen I know have caught their largest fish while trolling. In fact, the majority of world record fish listed in the record books were caught trolling.
The more water you cover, the better your chances of putting fish in the boat, and the best way to cover water is trolling. Also you can put your lure in areas it is impossible to by casting.
This sounded like a "I need some space" email. It still feels like she wanted you to know that she still is interested in pursuing the new R you and her are building.
I agree, but it also has a bit of "backup plan" feel to it.
Quote:
What would make you feel wanted? By your W or anyone else. You have come through this awful time brilliantly, made a life for yourself, worked on being your own man ... I am truly amazed at how well you have done. Yet you still need to feel that sense of being wanted. Is it a kind of validation of sorts?
My statement about feeling unwanted came out wrong. What I meant was I was tired of feeling unwanted by HER, not in general. I've got a lot of people in my life who are very pro-future, and who make me feel very wanted. I had gotten back into the dating world, but decided it was best to stop while my W and I were getting to know each other again. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I really can't have my attention in two places at once. I've never been able to. If I'm dating one women, I see where that goes before I date another.
I think it's healthy for her to want a hobby that is hers.
Ask her "how can I help you with that?" Let her ask you to join her in it. Maybe pick up a magazine about hiking and give it to her, "I saw this and thought of you." Be her partner, stand at her side on this.
That was my first reaction. I do care about her, and I want her to be happy. And most of all, I AGREE with everything she said!
Quote:
however, I disagree on the part of asking how can I help and giving her hiking stuff. (Sorry Coach)
I agree with Soxfan2008. I need to support her from a distance. This is something she needs to do on her own. She'll seek me out for what she wants from me. I should just not ALWAYS be available, and I won't be.
I know, I know, but that's who I am. I just got an eval done at work, which showed one my greatest strengths is to approach problems from multiple sides. Both a blessing and a curse!
I come here to get guidance and support about the different ways I see things.
So when I say no thanks to invites in the upcoming weeks, please know this is why
Interesting that her mindset is such that she is already the one that is "getting" the invites and gets the chance to say yes or no......this proves that her mind sees you as the pursuing person and her the one who is pursued. Chasing and pursuing a person who feels this way doesn't work.
How kind of her to tell you that when you ask her to do something she is warning you she is going to say no.
How would it sound if it was YOU saying to her.. "If I don't ask you to do anything for the next six months or so, don't be offended. I just want to go out and take up another hobby and go sing in the bars for a few months to see how I am going to feel about you. I will let you know in six months or so. Thanks for being there for me."??????
That mindset tells you all you need to know..
You are misreading her..
Women don't make it complicated when they WANT to be with you.... When a woman WANTS to be with you nothing will stop them.
So, you can make excuses for her all you want. She just doesn't feel it for you again.. You went too much too fast..
She chased you in the beginning of your relationship and then you had her chasing you again when you let go and she thought you had someone else. You then started chasing her again. YOU are talking too much about the relationship. I don't care whether you are doing it in a vague way or not. It is feminine to talk too much about the relationship. SHE even told you it drained her. YOU should have stopped the relationship talk on the date long before you did. When a relationship talk drains a woman, THAT means that it isn't a good talk.
She is they type that needs to feel she is the one chasing. She will never admit to this, but it IS the reality. She needed to chase you in the beginning, she chase the OM around the world, she then chased you to get you back, she now has you (her words of "if I say no to invitations" shows it is you asking and chasing in her mind) and NOW she wants to chase another hobby..(or is it something else)
She doesn't FEEL it for you. When a woman likes you in the right way she still has her hobby AND you. She is just blowing you off because you have been nice to her and she doesn't want to hurt you and she wants to see if you will go along with this new charade. If you do, then it will be something else.
