Niki, I'm really sorry to say it but unfortunately this will happen sooner or later. I'm not advocating hurrying up if you don't want to but if he doesn't turn around this will need to be dealt with. Will he turn around and if he does will he be acceptable to you? those are two questions you need to think about...I mean really think about and know the answer for yourself.
R- you're right. I guess I'm fooling myself into thinking it will send the message of "I am done, I don't love you, I wouldn't want to work on anything, even if you changed your mind." I need to re-frame it as: "I'm not going to live this way anymore, I respect myself too much. If you feel like having a life with a mature, self-aware, self-respecting woman, you know where to find me."
Will he turn around? If I was a betting person, I'd bet that he would not. Maybe months from now he will be lonely and do a little thinking about this. He will return to his usual conclusion: it's Nikki's fault. He *may* have a revelation, but I'm afraid even if it happens, I will already have moved on and will not be interested anymore.
Originally Posted By: StupidRomeo
His feelings are no longer your concern. His feelings are not your responsibility. I know you don't need him meaner but D makes even the nicest ones meaner. If it won't be your moving out it'll be that something that you would want and so will he. How far will you go to prevent his meaness? how long will you stand taking it? around here they say don't be a martyr.
Ok R, you HAVE to laugh. If we'd read our own advice to each other, we'd have no need to ask someone else. Both of us are REALLY good at giving advice to the other and being very slow on the uptake in our own sitches. Priceless. Let's just keep hitting each other over the head and maybe we'll get it one of these days!
Originally Posted By: StupidRomeo
How long is little longer? is that little longer acceptable to you? Two have you talk to the Ls about this? Same about the custody arrangement. I think in your state like mine 50/50 is usually what the courts will go for unless one parent gives it up or there's a compelling case. Again check with the Ls. You could move out and file for temp support right off the bat.
Well, remember I have that hard stop in a few months, so it would be longer than a week but no more than a few months. No, I haven't talked to the Ls b/c I haven't hired one yet & we didn't agree on how we'd do it yet. I'm guessing traditional while trying to keep it as clean as possible. I know I'm not supposed to be afraid of him being pissed, but filing for temp support will do it.
Here's the thing: I'm very lucky to have some time on my side here. You know the details, I can't post them all here. I'm trying to use it wisely, to plan. So I check in with myself daily: is the time still an advantage to me? Am I using it wisely and getting productive stuff done to set things up for an independent life? Is the frustration outweighing the benefit I'm getting by staying a bit longer? And so far, the conclusion is for now, it benefits me/achieves my short-term goals to stay. But I'm asking the questions b/c I see it shifting towards it not being beneficial to being more harmful, so I'm trying to stay aware and make sure I'm staying for ME, to help me plan, etc. I will keep asking the question and staying aware until I know it's time. But I could go sooner- there's a gray area here time-wise. I'm not quite ready, logistics-wise, but probably will never be ready emotionally, so will have to jump ship and try to aim for a lifeboat. I'm a good swimmer.
Originally Posted By: StupidRomeo
This is probably one of the hardest things us LBS have to deal with, the good thing is he has no OW so far. I know for sure. So he hasn't left you for someone else. He does seem to have convinced himself that the grass is greener on the other side.
Yes, and I'm a little surprised he's not looking for what he says I don't give him. But he's a procrastinator and often waits for me to do stuff for him- maybe he's waiting for me to place his personal ad...
Originally Posted By: StupidRomeo
Well a lot of couples go through this and they are legally separated to give eachother 'space' to 'find themselves' etc. You could always pitch it that way if you think it'll be better: "H, I know you've been wanting D and I feel the env and our relationship is hurting. I know you're upset about certain things and I wish I could change how you feel. I've tried how I know but it hasn't seemed to make a difference. So, I've decided that it would be best if we lived separately for a little while to see if we can sort our own issues out first. Maybe we can learn to be happy ourselves and perhaps we can try again in the future? I would like DD to spend X no of days with me and Y no of days with you. I would also need some financial assistance so I can pay my bills on my own. I don't want us to be miserable with eachother and it hurts me to see you upset and angry. It's not good for any of us. I hope that you can understand"
Probably all but the part in bold. Part of me wants to say that too, but I don't think it'll make any difference and is a little bit pursuing...
Originally Posted By: StupidRomeo
Niki, you don't have to rush or do any of this if you don't want to but as I asked you before...at what point do you take action. Take control from him and lead the blind WAS? I know you're afraid of the unknown, financial worries are also huge, H seeing someone is another one...so ask yourself at what point do you say 'yes I accept all these things but living together this way is making things worse for us- I'm reacting to him and he's reacting to me. Is anyone at the wheel?'
Thanks. This is helpful and you're right with all your questions. You are the best--
