When you say using me which she is do you think she really knows that she is using me or just unconsciencely doing it with the thought that we are going to get back together someday anyhow.
what do you want the vets to say? how do you want them to answer that question?
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Because I really believe that she thinks that but I might be being stupid again. Like her telling me she is not going to change her drivers licence.
if this is what you believe, then you've answered your own question.
Do I let her know that via text next time she calls? Do not call me again until you have left your husband?
Nope.. Let her WONDER.. Just drop off the face of the earth to her for now..
You are building up for a speech here in a short while. You have to set the table for your speech that you are going to give her when you next talk to her... First you have to ignore her for awhile...
Then... The speech should go something like this after she FINALLY talks to you...
"You know, I have taken some time to do some thinking.. and here is what I have decided. I do NOT date or want to be with a married woman. PERIOD. You are married. So, I want you to leave me alone and stop calling, texting or contacting me in any way shape or form. I wouldn't want a man to do that to me when I am married and I won't do it to another man. It isn't RIGHT.... Now, I am going to hang up. Take care"
THAT is what you need to do... You do NOT tell her "don't call me until you leave your husband" That is weak. You WANT her to think, feel and believe that she has now dug her own grave and has lost you because she is married. Don't worry. IF.. and I do mean IF.. IF she loves you in the right way, she WILL divorce him. It will then leave you in a good position because of the way you handled it. Stay away from married women. Run the other way..
Then you have to wait it out. IF she loves you then she will divorce him. It isn't up for negotiation. It IS the right thing to do and she will secretly respect you for it. AND you will respect yourself. Don't put up with that nonsense. NEVER mess with a married woman. NEVER.
I am seeing a counselor. Still just a little dazed and confused. I know you guys are right but I do still have feelings for this person but you are right she is married. I just don't respect her vows. I would not mess with a married women this just seems different when she is calling crying saying she made a mistake. I guess if she did she can get herself out of it. I can't defend her as much as I want to in any way that makes since.
Ok, i looked up. I had to find out how to delete her number from my phone. I deleted it. I dont know it by heart. I deleted her texts. I am deleting her from my heart the best I can. But I cant call her now. The number is gone. I am not expecting you guys to praise me or anything. Love makes you heart and head do things that you know that you should not. I really cared about someone that doesn't care about me. I am just having trouble getting that through my head. We were friends, I have taken her to surgrys, been marrried to, told her my deepest thoughts. This was my friend. She is not the same person. I just have to get that through my stupid head.
P- I've asked some folks to join in on your thread, and it looks like you're getting some good advice. I have some pointed advice for you, too. Please read:
If you want people to (continue to) respond to your thread, please do the following to help yourself. All of this is meant to help you, so don't take it as criticism , ok?
- put paragraph breaks in- it's overwhelming to read your posts!
- you don't need to keep repeating your situation - folks on here know to look at your first posts to get the background- if you keep repeating it, people will not be able to wade through it all and will miss new, important information and details.
- did you see the comparison about your students who won't listen when you're giving them golf advice? People here are VERY compassionate and empathetic, but if you don't try to help yourself a little by taking some of their suggestions, it becomes difficult for them to keep trying to support old, dysfunctional behavior.
- you need to start helping yourself. I saw someone put up a goal that you would not contact XW for a day. Start small. Post your goals here and follow through. If you mess up, it's ok, but take time to analyze- on here if you like- what prevented you from attaining your goal.
- Have you read Divorce Remedy? If not, please get a copy. I'd also recommend you get some stuff on co-dependency. I think there might be a book called something like Co-dependent No More?
- if you have the ability, post to a few people's threads. It can be just "hi, just dropping in and reading your thread. It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate. I'm new here so don't have much to offer in the way of advice just yet, but I'll be following along." Copy and paste my words if you want. That will give people a way to find your posts and thread and people usually respond on yours when you post on their thread (and I recommend adding a link to your thread in your signature line, too, so people can find it).
- read through some of the basic material and threads on this site. There is a lot of good advice out there that will help and pertain to you.
I am concerned about your daughter. I'm glad she's with the grandparents, but she needs 2 adult parents in her life. How old is she? How often do you see her? You need to help yourself so you can parent her through this- she needs you now more than ever and I see both you and XW focusing much more on your own problems and issues than talking about taking care of your D.
I am concerned about you. you say you're seeing an IC - how often? I'm not sure it's helping you given some of the stuff you post. Do you feel it is? You need to bring all of this up with him/her, including your suicidal feelings of a couple weeks ago. You must start helping yourself now.
I'd like to see you do the following- it's a long list, so only tackle one thing at a time if you need to:
- stop answering XW's calls and texts. Just stop. She has a husband that should be her primary support and the more you engage, the more backsliding you'll do.
- Start seeing your IC more often and address all the stuff you've posted there. If the IC is worth anything they'll be trying to help you and work on this stuff with you. If they're not, get a new one.
- Do any of the following (I know you've done some of this already) on a daily basis. If it's too big, break it down (find ideas for this in Divorce Remedy, but e.g., for the dr. one below, daily goals broken down could be: 1) make the appt. 2) write down questions for doc 3) go to appointment:
- do not spend prolonged time by yourself, alone in your house. - visit your D if you can or talk to her on phone. Kids have a wonderful way of helping us get our priorities straight. - see and talk to your friends. - make an appt with the dr. who prescribed your meds ASAP and discuss whether you're on the right dosage and med. - pick 1 activity you would like to do besides golf and try it- could be as simple as going to the movies. - read Michelle's book and do all the exercises about 180's and cheeseless tunnels (you'll understand when you read). If you feel you've already done it, do it again. - post goals here and feel free to write out all your emotions, but you also need to read what people have been writing- it's REALLY good advice and it's meant to be digested by you and put into action.
What do you do now? Read my long post right above this one. Then read it again. Then post 1 goal for tomorrow or tonight (and good for you for erasing her from your phone! That's a great accomplishment!!!)
When you say using me which she is do you think she really knows that she is using me or just unconsciencely doing it with the thought that we are going to get back together someday anyhow. Because I really believe that she thinks that but I might be being stupid again. Like her telling me she is not going to change her drivers licence.
Doesn't matter. At. All. She's using you, doesn't matter if it's on purpose- the only thing that matters is whether YOU let her, or whether you cut her off and prioritize yourself and your daughter now. You do not care what she does anymore- you work towards that, and that's known around here as "detaching". It is one of your major goals right now.
Not sure what you meant by "being stupid", but at some level, she knows you are always going to rush to her aid. Heck, she's even married another guy and you're still saving her and helping her. Think about that and how unhealthy it seems (nevermind that she's an addict and you guys are co-dependent. Even if she weren't re-married, we'd give you the same advice). If that's "stupid" then yes, she knows you are doing it.
Originally Posted By: par4me
I would not mess with a married women this just seems different when she is calling crying saying she made a mistake. I guess if she did she can get herself out of it. I can't defend her as much as I want to in any way that makes since.
You ARE messing with a married woman. Every time you interact in any way with her. If she had never been your wife, would you dare step into someone's marriage like you're doing? Would you even feel obligated to give money, take crazy calls, etc? If your best friend were doing what you're doing, what would you tell him is wrong with this picture?
2nd bold- you answered your own question. Your thread reads a little like a mystery- all of the answers to solve the puzzle are buried in here, most in your very own posts!
In your relationship with her now, there is no place for words like defend, protect, help, save, keep from falling down, rescue, etc. It is not the definition of your R anymore. Think of her as an acquaintance or almost stranger. Someone you'd interact with like the cashier. Would you keep going to their line if they acted crazy? If they pestered you and asked you for money, etc. would you help them? No, you wouldn't. She's still the mother of your child, so if something concerns your D, she will still be involved. Short of that, you should not be doing or talking to her about anything right now.
