pp 51-53 (my emphasis - your husband has already TRIED the trick Penny warns of below)
What will my spouse do when I initiate Protection Phase?
A few wayward partners will do nothing at all. If they‘ve been out of touch for a while they may continue to remain so . More often the straying partner increases attempts to make contact with the betrayed spouse. Men and women who vowed they didn‘t care if they never saw their mates again suddenly have all kinds of odd excuses to be in touch. This is the chemistry of attachment at work. Your job is to maintain your boundaries and avoid contact at all costs.
I know of many cases where the hurting spouse initiates Protection Phase only to have their partners contact them with a sob story about how they were planning, just that day, to end the affair and come home. And, as soon as the betrayed partner engages in contact with hope alive in his/her heart the promise disappears, conflict reemerges, and the affair goes on as strong as ever.
Spouses who let finances, home maintenance, and child visitation fall by the wayside suddenly have an emergency need for a pair of old tennis shoes stored in your attic. Don‘t fall for it. Take care of you, live your life in the mo ment, and stay out of contact.
Don‘t be fooled by attempts to see if your boundaries are real. I f the affair has indeed ended and your partner wants to come ho me, there‘s plenty of time to work through that process.
And then what?
The affair will most likely end, just like 90 to 95% of all affairs do . If you did the right things in Intervention Phase, it will end sooner. When that happens, you need to be strong and healthy if you are going to be able to work through the Reconciliation and Healing Phases.
Most people just want life to return to normal after an affair. And most people know that normal, as they once knew it, is dead and gone. Reconciliation is more than just coming ho me and taking up wher e you left off. It r equires a deep level of honesty about the affair, how it began, what kept it alive, and how it was hidden from you. Recover y requires setting in place precautions and co nd itio ns that protect you from a repeat performance œ either with the current affair partner o r someone else. No one can guarantee that another affair will never happen œ but we can make it much le ss l ikel y a nd we ca n create conditions that alert us as soo n as something begins to go awry. These ar e the things negotiated during Reconciliation Phase. Of all the Phases for overcoming infidelity, Reconciliation is per haps the most counterintuitive and the one where exper t professio nal help can give you the mo st benefit.
Once you‘ve negotiated the hows and whens o f Reconciliation, the real wor k o f Healing beg ins. You may ne ed to r ebuild your marriage from t he ground up. As daunting as that sounds, it is the chance to have the marr iage of yo ur dreams. Havin g survived a trauma of tremendous proportio ns can give yo u the clarity of vision to live yo ur life and
your marr iage with intentio n crafting your dreams into reality.
