So much is happening now and it is so surreal to me, but it is my reality so I am living it with as much integrity and dignity as I can.
The talk with the kids was heart breaking. Yes there has been tension and stress in the family for the last year and a half with everything that has happened. But, prior to that my kids only new a very strong, happy family who did so much together and had a lot of fun. We went to church together, had great family vacations, spent lots of family time doing fun things, family meals, family prayer time etc. That's what my kids knew. They are having difficulty making sense of how this could happen, as am I.
So, I am honest with my kids that this is their Dad's choice, and that I wanted to do everything possible to restore this M. I am not bad mouthing their Dad but I also will not lie.
Two of our kids have directly asked me(not their Dad) about infidelity. My H has not had the courage to tell the kids this part, so it has ended up on my shoulders to have to respond to the direct questions. I have tried to respond with "I have been faithful to your Dad. If you have questions about your Dad's behavior you need to ask him." Which of course has led them to guess the obvious. And, now, there is the difficulty of one of the three kids not knowing the truth that the other two do. I have told my H he needs to man up and tell him, and if he doesn't I will. And I will.
The other thing I am facing is that my H has made this decision but has not left the home yet. I had to push to get him in the spare room, which he has done (but complains about how uncomfortable it is). Now he says he has nowhere to go and no one to turn to and that I am still the only person he trusts. These are his choices and he has to live with them. So, I am going to have to end up likely setting a deadline for him to be out.
So, I am having to be strong and firm in the midst of hurting... as is true for us all in these sitches. I am trying to be there for my kids, who are hurting. I am slowly starting to chip away at the practical things needing to be done to move forward with my anticipated life as a single, divorced mother.
My support system is strong, my attitude is strong, my resolve is strong.
Still going... one day at a time.... just with a different focus.
