Lessons learned at every bend

[CoolHandLuke]

George Strait The Road Less Traveled lyrics
[snip]
Goin's rough unlike the straight and narrow

Re-read that line of the song several times!

I am supposed to be at work but I took a brief break. Both H and I seem to have caught whatever our D has (despite all that frequent handwashing, Totite ).

Try to remember that with both of you feeling bad, it's going to be easy to be cranky, short-tempered, easily frustrated, etc. Hope everyone starts feeling better soon.

Beware, guys and girls, major vent follows:

Better to do that here than with H.

So it may be why I am a bit down. Or it could be that Nov 19 gets closer... the day I got the letter from OW saying my H and her were in love and my opposing a divorce was making their life impossible...

I know guys are a little different when it comes to anniversaries... To him, it's probably "just another day". What are the things you can do to view it the same way? If you can kick this ghost now, it will help keep it from haunting you every year. If you can't cause the date to fade from your mind (the solution I prefer), can you change your view of the day into something like: "Opposing the divorce is making OW's life with H impossible? - I'll show OW impossible... I'll make the 19th a day for me to remind myself that he hasn't left me. I'll DB my heart out and make it an 'epiphany' anniversary. I'm winning."

In August we went on vacation together and he moved back home. He has been attentive, sweet, tender and understanding... but she still works for him... He wears his wedding ring and spends a lot of time with us and with me... but she still works for him... He is more open and learns from his mistakes... but she still works for him... He had acnowledged his mistake and begged for my forgiveness... but she still works for him... He listens to my body language and reads me as a book... but she still works for him...

I don't know why she still works for him. Is he afraid of a sexual harassment charge? Is she still there as a security blanket?

My suggestion is to see if you can focus on the positive steps he's making. As long as you're still focused on "but she still works for him", it's going to be difficult to focus on "He has been attentive, sweet, tender and understanding", "He wears his wedding ring ans spends a lot of time with us and with me", "He is more open and learns from his mistakes", "He has acknowledged his mistakes", "He had acknowledged his mistake and begged for my forgiveness", "He listens to my body language and reads me as a book".

I think as long as you're focused on "but she still works for him", it's going to be difficult to put that behind you so you can help him put it behind him.

I think he's still very afraid you'll kick him out. I think he's still keeping some walls up, and that's why he's still testing you. He's had quite a bit of time to think of you in negative ways. When you started DB'ing, he was still thinking of you in those ways. There's a lag there. It's going to take time for him to figure things out.

Even now that my bro is here and H has relaxed a tiny bit and started to come home earlier and spend lots of time with me/us... I found me torturing myself on the way home with XOW's problem.

Wasn't it just last week that he was avoiding you and your family? (I looked - it was 7 days ago.) This is a big improvement. I think this is a sign that what you're doing is helping the situation.

He tries, I cannot say he is not trying. But he cannot win, because regardless of what he does, I suspect. I cannot rest, I cannot think, I cannot feel sure... I wish I could... I want not to care... I want to stop my mind... and I do for a little, just to have it start again.

OK.... You need to make some choices: Forgive or not? Trust or not? You'll never be 100% sure of anything. It's going to take time, but I think you'll gradually become more comfortable with the R. I suspect what you're feeling is the insecurity of your wall being down. It's scary and uncomfortable to have that vulnerability.

From Kenny Chesney's song "You Had Me From Hello":

Inside I built a wall
So high around my heart, I thought I'd never fall
One touch, you brought it down
The bricks of my defenses scattered on the ground
And I swore to me I wasn't going to love again
The last time was the last time I'd let someone in

Maybe if I were able to understand why he still keeps her there, I'd be able to stop. But I do not and cannot. He has tried to explain several times but I cannot fathom his explanation.

It is partly the way I am wired. I can accept what I understand even if I do not like it or want it. I accepted his feeling of relief when I found out about the A, only when I came to understand what he meant (but it took three months).

Is it really important to understand? Is it something you can just accept?

He said in frustration that it was my problem, and it IS my problem, but it is ours because it is making it impossible for me to believe. I focus on the positives, I act 'as if', AND I CANNOT STOP MY DARNED MIND. No stop signs, no meditations, not even sleep, nothing seems to work for any long.

There are others on the BB who can help you with this more than I. There are going to be times when he's frustrated trying to figure all of this out.

And the worst part is that I do not feel I have a right to complain: I have a lot of blessings. He is here and for whatever motive obviously interested in working through things. That is more than lots of people have.

Hey, they're your feelings at times. They may not always be logical. Hopefully, you'll feel better about the R when you're feeling better physically. Try to focus on the fact that he is there, and is working through things.

OK, let's be methodic: have a look at my goals (reviewed from 9/03):
My goals so far are simple. Whether they are realistic is another question:
1. OW will no longer work for him by Xmas (major must: a sine qua non) I do not see this any closer

Does he understand you feel this is a sine qua non? What happens if she still works for him then? Is what happens what you really want?

2. He will keep me involved in his office (I have no intention of letting this happen again). He has said he will but keeps postponing any attempt at it

Is this too large or vague of a goal at this point? Can you break this down? I think it would make you feel better to see babysteps.

3. We will talk about each other feelings and plans Much, much better. We are having long, albeit infrequent, conversations about how we see things. He never initiates one, but is quite receptive to have them when I do

Very good. Don't worry that he's not initiating at this point. He's making steps toward being more comfortable. He may not know quite how to deal with everything right now.

4. We will spend 15 hours a week together (no work, no kid, only fun) We've been doing pretty well: would have gotten that one done if it were not for sickness and family visitors...

I'd count that as an accomplishment. Compared to where you were not very long ago, that's a major improvement.

5. He will be able to tell me things he think I will not like without feeling he is letting me down. Much better also. I am much better at validating and listening too

That will come with time as he becomes more comfortable. I think you're already seeing the olive branches, and steps in that direction.

Sorry for the long epistle... I needed to get it out of my system before it poisoned me

Better to get it out here than with him.

I think feeling bad physically is going to make it more difficult to see the positives. Not seeing the positives makes it difficult to kick the ghosts of OW.