V1olin's new life without wife

[futureunknown]

A flirty comment? Yeah, I guess it was. A very minor backslide. Mindreading? I sent that message because that is me and I do not care what the response was. I did not respond after her smiley face. And really, I don't know why I am even on here defending myself?

I totally get it v1olin. The words in these posts are a poor form of communication at best, and you certainly know what your intent was, and the full dynamic at play. Our responses have to be taken with a grain of salt. You definitely don't have to defend yourself. I feel the same way on my thread sometimes!

[Gnosis]

Now you're doing the mind reading Gnosis!

Guilty as charged.

We don't know what your W is thinking inside v1olin,

You're 100% right future.

but trying to figure it out will keep you trapped in a miserable place.

And this leads us deeper and deeper towards faulty conclusions.

The words in these posts are a poor form of communication at best,

Yes, another agreement.

Our responses have to be taken with a grain of salt. You definitely don't have to defend yourself.

Absolutely.

Speaking for myself, I'm guilty as charged here. My apologies V1. I forgot my own golden rule of being totally up to speed with a sitch before posting anything. My reply was "shooting from the hip" and hurried. Time for me to practice what I preach again. No excuses.

Stay well V1. You've got the tools, you've got the knowledge, you've got the ability.

[v1olin]

Thanks everybody. I am doing fine. I just don't need the forum as much anymore.

[g450]

Good to hear V.

I dont post as much myself anymore but I cant leave from here it seems. My divorce is done and over and she wants nothing to do with me. So be it. Im dating now. We will see how that goes.

I will still be here for quite a while. It's painful to read here sometimes but ulitmately it's also theropedic.

[v1olin]

G540, I know what you mean about reading here and by now I should know and DO know what I need to do. I still read here from time to time but only to check up on some people that have been here a while.

[v1olin]

It has been a while:) I have been having a good time for the most part. I bought a 1975 Honda 360 and it has been a good project. I finally got it running well and have put about 200 miles on it in the last 2 weeks. Riding it has been a lot of fun. At 60mph on this old thing there is no time to be thinkin' about my ex W!

My new workshop is doing well and I made about 6 times last month then I made in the last 3. I buy clothes for my kids even though I don't have to and the ex tries to give me money sometimes. I always refuse it.

This saturday, 9/11 was the day we lost our son at 17 weeks. I thought about how ex W must be feeling on this terrible day but I did'nt know what I would say to her, so I left it alone.

I will be meeting a nice woman from Moscow on tuesday and I don't expect it to go anywhere but it should be interesting! I also have plans to meet with a single mom/ dancer but I am not feeling it as much.

I feel like I do still love my ex W but I do enough to let her go. If she is not happy with me then I am not happy with that.

[v1olin]

Well, my x thought it was appropriate to tell our D8 that she has a new boyfriend:( She was showing some softening and also initiating some texts. Just a few days before she sent a photo of the kids and her trying on halloween masks at the store!

I am disgusted with her lack of judgement on telling our daughter about this and I let her know it. I no longer held my tounge out of fear of her thinking I am a jerk. In our marriage I was a mix of doormat and jerk but mostly doormat.

This is roughly what I told her,

"D8 told me today that you are dating someone. I can't beleive you did not have the gut to tell me yourself. Do you have ANY IDEA how hard that must have been for her to tell me that? Date anyone that you want but DAMN XW, why do you have to tell D8 about it? Can you not hear her heart breaking? I have NO respect for you."

I immediatley and without emotion rearranged our drop off, pick up of the kids so that I do not have to come into contact with her mother or brother again. She did not like it and would not agree so I told her I was done talking and hung up the phone. She called 15-20 times and I ignored every one of them. She then started texting and after 3 of them and an hour later, she caved in and gave me what I wanted. But she did it AND was still trying to guilt me about the kids. This is how,

"V1olin, we have had a really good partnership and I would really hate to lose that and have it negativly impact the kids."

So, I called her on her BS trying to guilt me about the kids. Funny how she wants a divorce and that is ok for the kids and all I want is to not communicate or see her anymore and that is going to hurt the kids! ha! yeah right. I even told my D8 what my new plans were going to be and she was fine with it.

I gave XW instructions on how it was going to work and I was very clear, "XW, I will pick the kids up from the house. When I get there, send the kids out by themselves and you stay inside." She guilted me AGAIN and I called her on it again. So a few days past and then it was friday. I had not talked,texted, or emailed her. I even ignored her fake call about our D8's homework(her homework was not with me). I texted her that I was at the house and waited a minute or two. She clearly was not sending out the kids. I went up to the door and rang the bell. She comes to the door, she says hi and say nothing. She gives me some un-needed info about the kids and hands a bag with carmel apples in it. She had bought them for the kids at the orchard that day. When I get back to my appartment with the kids D8 hands me a bag and tells me, "Mom got you this one, it has nuts on it." My face went cold and I told her I did not want it. My D8 totally gets it. I told her that we are divorced and we should not be getting gifts for each other. She said, "yeah, if she does not like you why does she get you stuff?"

So, I am really amazed and also disgusted with this reaction from XW. I am the toughest that I have ever been with her and she gets me a caramel apple with nuts on it!? Yes, I like the kind with nuts on it. After the failed pick up from the house I sent her a text that said,

"Next time, send the kids out by themselves."

[Virtually_Handsome]

Well, reading your latest post without knowing everything, here's what I think.

Your XW is going to date. D8 is going to know. You are going to hear about it. You might not like it, but those are the facts. But I think your reaction took it out on D8.

Every time you are faced with a situation like this, you need to consider, is your reaction going to make things better, or make things worse? In this case, I think you made things worse. On the one hand you might think you set a boundary. But actually it sounds to me that you just punished your D8 for things that she and you can't control. You telling her that you don't wan't a reasonable "gift" (and I hardly think a caramel apple is even a gift, it's more the polite thing to do) from your XW is not helping.

You are not detached. You let your XW's actions control your emotions. And you reacted out of anger, rather than reason.

Like I said, I might have it wrong, but that's what I read.

[newmama]

Violin I actually think it is a great idea to let your xw know that she shouldn't be giving you gifts or contacting you since you are divorced. How confusing is that for the kids of divorce who have an enternal hope for their parents to get back together? How would that make her boyfriend feel? And what about your girlfriend if you were to do the same?

NO WAY.

I told her that we are divorced and we should not be getting gifts for each other. She said, "yeah, if she does not like you why does she get you stuff?"

exactly. Honestly...divorce is messy enough. I respectfully disagree with VH because we don't want to send the message to our kids that "no big deal- you get divorced, you can still be friends. So when your marriage is on the rocks or you find yourself wanting to cheat on your spouse, you can get divorced and still stay friends with your spouse."

I mean what? Here is the appropriate relationship: "Hi (babysitter/egg or sperm donor of my child and person who lied and cheated on me and left me for the OP). Anything to report? Ok! thanks for telling me. Bye!"

and then when our kids tell us they did something fun "great! Glad you had a good time."

and if the kids want to tell us about the OP- we teach them boundaries. "Sorry, honey, but I would rather not hear about him/her. You can tell your grandma or __ if you feel like it."

This message shows our kids that it is not okay to divorce. The spouses are hurt, there are things we can't talk about and that is just the way it is. That is why divorce is terrible and you shouldn't do it. Seriously, people!

[v1olin]

Thanks to both of you. My kids are my main concern here CL. I do not want them to learn this kind of behaviour in life. "Someone dumps on you and you just take it." I did not call her names(I wanted too) I did not tell her she could not date. I don't see what the problem is here with anything I said or did. How might you have handled that CL and still got the same point accross? I am interested to hear.