Quotes found on Divorcebusting (II)

[Ready2Change]

Let me put this as clear as I can :

As long as he is CHEATING.. you do NOT
1. Do his laundry
2. Run his errands
3. Reply to his messages
4. Offer him your ear when he "wants to talk"
5. Make him dinner
6. Buy him gifts
7. Accept gifts from him

You SHUT him DOWN...

If his marriage proposal was something like this :


I want you to run my errands, do my laundry, and keep me company on the phone while I cheat on you... Will you marry me?


You would probably have said "HELL NO"

SO WHY are you doing it NOW?

Get back in dating mindset here... If he's cheating on you, your DIGNITY deserves a NO coming from you... if he wants ANYTHING the answer is NO

and if he calls back you change your cell number or turn off the phone.. block his number

Tell him if he wants to come to the house for ANYTHING he has to go through his MOTHER and SHE will make arrangements with you...

You do NOT NEED to deal with him DIRECTLY...

[Ready2Change]

I think it's time you lead and lay down how your home is going to roll. You need to reclaim your house/bedroom and call her out on the Cr@p Behavior. She keeps you off balance by telling you she needs to talk then telling you she's done - that's your speech to give.

Tell her you need to talk.

This is very specific, not up for negotiation and it works.

"Wife, I have been doing some thinking. I know I have hurt you in the past and for that I am sorry. I agree this marriage isn't working for me either. I have decided I won't share you with another man. I am moving back into the house, you will move into the garage apt. I will contact my L to get the D filed."

You have thought about this (decisive), you admit your fault, you agree with her and set her free, you call her out on the A, you reclaim your home (manly) and you give her the bomb. Now she can choose how she responds. No ultimatums, not controlling her just giving her what she wants but with you leading (attractive). She knows you know about the A, she wants you to fight for her, she will respect you for standing up to her - that's a test.

Don't reveal how you know, just say "I know all about Russ, don't kid yourself." if she tells you there is no OM. She really wants you to put your foot down and call the meeting to order. She will be angry and still test you. This isn't personal just about behavior that is unacceptable in your home. She has a choice in how she behaves and you have a choice in how you let her treat you. You can handle it.

Strength and Honor
Coach

How do I handle the angry behavior?

Anger is good it means she is still interested. So if you are getting flamed on just remember "Coach said this is good, Coach said this is good."

Just agree with her, "I understand this isn't working." Don't let her tell you what you think/feel/believe. "you just think......" or "you feel like...." just respond "You don't know how I feel if you want to know just ask."

You will probably hear that she can't trust you ("I understand the lack of trust"), she was ready to come back until this happened ("I can see how me knowing what I know would change your plans.") , you made her do it ("No, I don't control your actions this is your mess.") , they are just friends ("Please don't take me for a fool, we both know better."), you are running around ("No wife, I am actually very focused and another woman is the last thing I want now.") ........ all to keep you from staying focused. When in doubt say nothing or "I am thinking about what you said."

Don't get baited into a fight. Know when you are most alert and plan your talk then. You end the conversation and leave the property. If she gets crazy film her with your phone.

You stay calm, collected and confident. Check your negative emotions at the door, be loving towards her.

You can handle it.

[Ready2Change]

On “Doing What Works”:


One of the misconceptions about DBing, in my opinion, is the "Do what works" thing. The problem is that people mis-define "works" as being "what doesn't make her/him angry" and "what makes her/him act nice towards me." Instead of as "what moves me further along down the path toward a mutually-healthy and committed marriage."

Sometimes one has to take a short-term "hit" in the "nice" department in order to solidify a healthier, longer-term gain.

[Ready2Change]

How you handle these tough times will DEFINE how you teach your son, and how he will operate, the rest of his life. I'm not saying this is a blessing, but how you handle it, CAN be.

I'm going thru some of the same stuff, right now. And as men, it kills us, because we want to PROVIDE, and do it well. It sucks, and it eats at your guts. But I'm also teaching my four kids how you deal with adversity -- with persistence and character -- and they have already learned things thru our financial difficulty that they could have NEVER learned from a book.

Your family needs a leader right now, and -- as you note -- it AIN'T gonna be your wife. Yes, shame on her for what she's doing, but SHAME ON YOU if you let it affect you so much that you don't lead your family thru this.

You can handle it. STRENGTH and HONOR.

Puppy

[Ready2Change]

Your wife is testing you. SHe's testing your masculinity and your courage.

if you just back down and watch she is NOT going to be impressed. She may laugh and go off to her affair and have fun, but she loses respect for you... And its VERY HARD to win over a female who has no respect for you... I would argue it can't be done at all.

If you stand up, protect your marriage, tell the creep to BACK OFF, and get in thiker wtih MIL and talk about the importance of making mature decisions and show her a responsible adult she will be a LOT more impressed.

She will be mad you took action, but she will respect you for it.

You need to learn to protect your family dude. Your wife won't have an ounce of respect for you if you don't.

[Ready2Change]

Enjoy it and live in the moment. Be happy in the moment. Stay happy.

Remember, It isn't so much how YOU feel, but how SHE perceives you. It would be wise to get a close male friend or two and use them as a sounding board on giving you feedback whether they are viewing you as staying happy or not and telling them you WANT them to point out when you go back to your old ways of seeming unhappy. Some people may SEEM unhappy to others and yet be at total peace inside. Make sure you learn how to put on a happy face as well as a happy attitude... Find male friends that will be direct and honest with you and not tell you what you want to hear. That will help you keep on track with your wife and how she is perceiving you.

[Ready2Change]

Following is a post that Allen wrote to Quicksilver in reply to him about his sitch. I thought this was such a great post, I felt we all could use it! My comments are in blue. Allen's original comments in black.

It's interesting QS... When you feel like you have the upper hand you appear to have this in the bag, but when your wife appears to have the upper hand you fall apart... This seems to be the case for a lot of us that are fighting for our marriages. We are quick to respond to the emotions of feeling good that perhaps the Wayward Spouse is responding to our efforts. When it seems that they are not, we get discouraged. We all need to keep in mind that our efforts are not always going to produce visible results but that does not mean they are wasted efforts.

The ONLY way I have seen to effectively fight for a marriage is to be in mindset where you fight because you want the marriage, not because you need it. This speaks to the very core of why our efforts work or do not. It's all about self respect. When you work from a position of self respect and have that mindset, your actions are going to naturally show that. This mindset is what allows us to set AND KEEP boundaries. This is the very core of GAL and 180s...and exposing. This is what keeps the fear of, "Is WAS going to be mad and leave me if I dare get tough...." from stopping us from doing what is right and healthy for OURSELVES AND OUR MARRIAGES.

When you have the upper hand like this you are in the want mindset... you have to keep it there. This isn't always easy but important. If you are not in this mindset, DON'T have a conversation with your WAS. Do what you need to do to get back in this mindset before responding, talking, etc... Pray, read, call a friend, email...post here...whatever you need to do!

Your marriage can go either way right now.. and YOU need to be OK with that...

If you get to a point where you can say, it could go either way for me and I am OK with it going either way... I am fighting because that's what I want, not because I am terrified of the alternative. Exactly what I meant above: if the LBS is operating from a position of fear rather than confidence, the actions are going to reflect that. You must be doing what's best for you/your marriage, NOT worried about the reaction of WAS.

QS, if there is a divorce, you look at the direction you are headed right now and the direction your wife is headed... who do you think has the upper hand long term? We ALL need to realize that this is true in our lives and WE are the strong ones! WE are the braves ones. WE truly are the ones that are going to be OK, no matter what. Even my FT told me that the other day!

Do you really think your wife is the one who is going to live a good long healthy life with her attitudes? Any WAS that chooses out rather than reconciling has not worked through his/her personal issues. They are destined to be miserable because they will still have to deal with themselves sooner or later.

Your wife is pursuing a sleaze ball who is going to drop her like a stone at the first chance he gets, your wife is completely ignorant about commitment, marriage, and even how to show the slightest respect to her partner in a crisis, and when things get diffiucult she throws gasoline on her house when it sets ablaze instead of putting the crisis out. And whether or not your WAS is having a PA, EA, MLC, or just plain screwed up, this is true. If they end up truly wanting out, WE are all better people for the work we have done on ourselve, our lives, and our issues. Our kids are much better for it too! Having said that, I truly believe the healthiest thing is for every WAS to come to their senses and pull it together, and save their marriage. I believe God will bless all of us for trying the best we can to get the wayward spouse to do just that - and for hanging tough. If it doesn't happen, then WE all should know we deserve better than to live like that for the rest of our lives anyway.

You are learning to love inconditionally. You have maintained respect not only for your family and friends but her family as well. You have a home you are improving and enjoy, you have women who would gladly trade places with your wife when you are in a place where you are ready for that... The things you have learned through this process are the most valuable lessons in life. None of us want to go through all of this, but you CAN walk away from it all, reconciled or not, with the best self-esteem of your life. If it happens that you move on, well, hopefully you take the right lessons into the next R with you.

You have the upper hand QS, you always did, and as long as you stand up for yourself while doing everything you can to preserve your wife's dignity in the process you will always have the upper hand... This is exactly why it is important in all of this, for us LBS's to always take the high road. Again, this is about LOVING toughness... about respect. NO ONE ELSE WILL RESPECT YOU IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF.

Remember that the next time she rages at you...

[Ready2Change]

You can't change the past but you can improve the now and your future.

[Ready2Change]

Because, you answered her right away, like you were hanging there, holding your phone, just HOPING she'd send you a text message.

Pursuing. Needy. Not attractive.

Better:

The next morning, write her back "Sorry -- just saw this. Hope you are doing well! -- "

Let's face it, when we're in these sitches, our reasoning is usually FLAWED. That's why we need everyone else to help us with the counter-intuitive stuff.

I know I did.

Puppy

[Ready2Change]

You can hunker down in fear, waiting for him to drop D papers on you.

Or...


Here is what I would do if I were you -

Email to STBXH - I have some business concerning the divorce that I need to discuss with you. I have decided not to tackle these issues in email, so I am inviting you to meet me for a coffee at xyz. I can do it xday or yday - which one works best for you? Any time on either of those days is good - name it. Thanks. D

When he agrees to a time and day -

D to STBXH - I have decided to move forward with our divorce. I would still like to work on our M but the writing is on the wall that you are not willing - so be it. I'm moving ahead. One of us must file - I am prepared to do so unless you already have the wheels in motion to do so. In that case, here is my lawyer's card and she/he will receive your papers. I wanted to tell you face to face that I will go forward with this. Are there any loose ends you would like to tie off with me before this ball starts rolling?

Then listen. Do not fire back. Just listen.

Why would I do this?
B/c I, like Ferris Bueller's friend Cameron believe: "I am not going to sit on my a$$, as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I'm going to take a stand..."

With my approach, you stare down what you're so damned afraid of AND you open the door for communication.

Looks win-win to me.

That's what I would do.

Greek