I got some clarity today about what I need. I realized that I haven't really taken hold of me, and established myself in activities that fill me. I know I do it with work and with relationships and travel, but I end up continuing to bounce around and feel unsettled and unhappy. So for the the next several weeks I'll be spending time trying to establish myself in a hobby that will help me feel anchored, and more myself. I'm going to resist caving to my inner temptation to simply bury myself with you, or with the kids, or with work. So when I say no thanks to invites in the upcoming weeks, please know this is why. I absolutely have to do this. And as a compliment, you've done it for your life and it's quite inspiring. I think that once I've established a life for me, I will be very clear about us. I do have moments that I want you, and want a life with you. But I also still have moments where I want to run away because I'm overwhelmed by 'your' or 'our' life. It seems very obvious and I feel like a dolt. My first plan is to look into something like a hiking club, or sierra club. I feel most grounded and calm and happy in nature-woods, water, desert.
W ************
My first reaction to this is one of compassion. I want her to find the happiness she's missing. She is incapable of truly being someone's partner until she finds it. I know that. We did speak on the phone last night after she sent the message, and I totally agreed with her. I wished her luck. She was very relieved and said "Don't think this means we won't spend any time together." I didn't give her anything like "I'll be here waiting", or any other such dreck. I told her I'm going back to living my life.
My second reaction is to walk away. She has been a lost soul her whole life. I don't know if I want to continue waiting for her to finally realize happiness is right in front of her. I almost replied to the e-mail with something along the lines of "Don't worry about finding clarity regarding us. I'm becoming convinced we are not meant to be. I truly hope you find what you're looking for. I know what I want and I'm going to go find it."
She is being kind and respectful to me, and she's obviously trying to be honest. She is so lost and unhappy, but I have not felt any anger from her in months. I do believe our R is healed from that point of view, but I am so weary of feeling unwanted.
