You should be proud of the email exchnge. very well done.
This was before DB but I'm guessing after reading Dobson?
Incidentally, 3 hours aftfer W sent the last text about talking today, she sent another.
"That's the rule. Don't take it as me being a b@tch. that's just what we agree upon"
Yes - the email was after Dobson, before DB. And thanks - it was a little hard for me to post something so personal, but if it helps one other person, it's worth it! Was it perfect? No, probably not - but not bad, overall. :-)
Interesting text from W. See how when you tighten the reins a little she treats you with more respect??? (And you wondered if you'd been too harsh.)
Yeah, but my compromise seems out the window. She sounds like she's harping "hardball" at me again regarding the vacation after 3 hours of 'coaching'.
She was pretty soft regarding talking at 9 but by 12 it was "rules are rules'
But I like your view.
Any comments on her email from April? i wish she was acting like she felt then. Or was that a guilt-ridden softness? As in 'How do I say I love someone else without saying it?'
I see: maybe I was reading into the text wrong - that she was saying, "Nevermind about compromising - I'm sticking to my guns, but don't think of me as being a biotch." ??? Is that how you take it?
Hmmm...
Now see, this is where Allen or Puppy would probably give better advice because I don't have as much experience in these exchanges. It's ridiculous that you have to have such a hard line when it comes to your vacation. That, to me, would be an exception to the week by week thing because it's not a frequent occurrence. Is this a legal agreement? You've probably posted that but I don't remember. If it's not a legal agreement, I think you should not let her get by with that - coaching or no coaching - or you are setting yourself up for some real frustrations down the road! You can be willing to compromise but still take a stand. BUT... I will leave that to Allen, lol.
#2: Were there issues in M? Yes. Is she taking any responsibility for her 50%? No. In fact, she is not only shunning that responsibility but going in deficit by turning outside M to make herself feel better.
#3: My FT says it is a statistic shot heard round the world - no matter what culture - that marriage satisfaction drops significantly with the birth of children. I was suprised to hear that. Was reminded of that reading W's comments about issues beginning with Calla.
You have a right to change your mind about custody arrangements if what you have is not working for you! (Unless a judge declared it has to be this way...)
Back to the email: was she trying to say she was in love with someone else? Don't know. Does it really matter? I mean, it's more that she is justifying her actions and rationalizing her feelings... and romanticizing getting out of her obligations to her family.
And the last part - needing you as a friend, etc... she was trying to get you to validate her being irresponsible, basically: to lessen her guilt by getting you on board with her actions. That's how I take it.
Lastly, things might have been calmer then and that's why you wish things were back to that state of mind, CD. However, calmer does not mean better for you. Calmer might be less stressful, but calmer doesn't necessarily save a marriage!
My email, etc... was probably a mixed approach as Allen says, which may not be what is best for you. As I mentioned, I didn't know about DBing, Exposing, or anything when I went through all of that: I only knew about Dobson (thank God!)
I just mention it as your approach to upcoming conversations, etc... may need to be different. Allen or Puppy could help you with the exposing because that WILL require some different actions that I no nothing about really.
My hope in helping is that I give you an idea of the big picture: of what loving toughness looks like - of showing self respect, etc... I certainly don't want to confuse you!
