QS half your post is based on stuff your WIFE told you... You can't take that crap seriously...
The stuff from a wayward spouse is akin to the ridiculous stories teenage boys tell teenage girls so they will have sex with them :
If we don't have sex it will fall off.
If we don't have sex, I won't be able to love you.
If we don't have sex, I will end up in hospital.
if we don't have sex, you won't love me.
If we don't have sex, I will get migraines.
if we don't have sex, it will turn green.
All of it is BULLSHITE. It's an excuse to get something.
This HURRY to get OUT Of the house QS is a FANTASY of hers to escape how miserable she feels.
Teenagers do this to parents when they want to move out... They have this fantasy in their head abotu how cool it will be to live elsewhere and that it will make them happier... They end up broke, miseralbe, and frustrated if they rush out the door.
You need to STOP LISTENING to the CRAP she's telling you.
Your wife has attached HER misery to YOU.. That's ALL... And it will take several weeks of therapy to BREAK that attachment and have her gradually take ownership of it and STOP LYING and STOP RUNNING.
You need to slap yourself in the face and STOP taking her rejection SERIOUSLY...
That's your kryptonite right now QS ... You take everything your wife says and does to heart and at face value... You assume there's nothing beneath that at all...
As long as you are giong to believe someone with teenage mentality and act on their claims without second guessing them at all you are dead in the water.
She's the one who cheated and lied to her husband, he walked out on HER and wouldn't talk to her for months. He filed for D and told her it was over... He again dodged her for months.
NOW.. NOW he's agreed to start dating once a week... NOW... D still pending he's agreed to meet once a week to explore resolution... NOW
YOu need to read that post and see that it takes time to process when you attach blame to a spouse and finally accept that its not them, its you feeling miserable and you need to clean your own mess up for the first time in your life.
This HURRY to get OUT Of the house QS is a FANTASY of hers to escape how miserable she feels.
I COMPLETELY agree with that statement. She feels so horribly miserable.
BUT, she is VERY determined to make the "best" of this, and to be "strong". She very frequently leans on other friends for support.
I COMPLETELY agree with what you say. It is just my hope that she can face all this WITHOUT another man coming into the picture to fill that void and give the attention and sex.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
Yep, that's the dilmena we all face. Our spouse will turn around and take ownership of some of their own problems before they jump onto the sex bandwagon...
Just don't think this is about YOU.. she says she wanst to get away from YOU...
SHe wants to get away from the memory of bad feelings she has and a life that isn't working for her... Running away from you won't accomplish this...
You need to let that blame bounce off you... YOu keep taking it to heart... ABM is just counterproductive thinking...
The fact that she's willing to take ANYONE is crystal clear that YOU aren't the problem... It's crystal clear that SHE is the one with a problem.
All addicts are compulsive people are handled in teh same way.. you offer them help and hope for the best... Don't ENABLE any further... that whole HOUSE was enabling her... You were doing the work and footing most of the bills and that allowed HER to pursue compusions and addictions...
The closer to reality she gets the moer she's going to take ownership of her problems.
The stuff from a wayward spouse is akin to the ridiculous stories teenage boys tell teenage girls so they will have sex with them :
If we don't have sex it will fall off.
If we don't have sex, I won't be able to love you.
If we don't have sex, I will end up in hospital.
if we don't have sex, you won't love me.
If we don't have sex, I will get migraines.
if we don't have sex, it will turn green.
LMAO!!
Allen, you are SO wise! This is EXACTLY what it's like!
When you're a teenage girl in the throws of first passion, you believe ANYTHING your boyfriend tells you because you "love" him. He couldn't possibly lead you astray or have a hidden agenda....right? (HA,HA,HA!)
This is the same thing. But instead of trying to get INTO your pants, the WS is desperate to get out of the marriage. Throw some cold water on her, stat! She needs to cool off!
Originally Posted By: Allen A
This HURRY to get OUT Of the house QS is a FANTASY of hers to escape how miserable she feels.
Your wife has attached HER misery to YOU.. That's ALL... And it will take several weeks of therapy to BREAK that attachment and have her gradually take ownership of it and STOP LYING and STOP RUNNING.
If she "knew" she was "done" with the marriage 18 months ago but was afraid to act until recently, she's been talking herself into how bad it is for probably two years now -- it ain't gonna stop on a dime. Let her get her own apartment, make her own mistakes, and grow up.
I know - easier said than done. But this is HER journey to take, QS. You can't do it for her. She's not listening and she doesn't want your help.
Like Allen said, it's just like those teenagers who thinking moving out is the answer and there's no talking them out of it...until they realize that all the money they were spending on fun stuff like games, clubs, electronics, etc., now has to go for rent, groceries, and gas. Not so fun. As my dad used to say, "My house, my rules. Your house, your bills." Reality bites!
Your wife will learn that soon enough. Just stay away from her so you don't have to see it.
Allen, you are SO wise! This is EXACTLY what it's like!
When you're a teenage girl in the throws of first passion, you believe ANYTHING your boyfriend tells you because you "love" him. He couldn't possibly lead you astray or have a hidden agenda....right? (HA,HA,HA!)
This is the same thing. But instead of trying to get INTO your pants, the WS is desperate to get out of the marriage. Throw some cold water on her, stat! She needs to cool off!
I was thinking of you when I wrote it Red, I figured you would get a kick out of that one.. And bear in mind, i am a guy, I haven't even heard all of the excuses...
I am sure you can add to the list... But yes the reasoning is the same...
Except as you put it instead of trying to get INTO your pants, the WS is desperate to get out of your pants[out of the marriage]
And note in both cases Red the results are
a. Conflict with your spouse (she's not ready etc and you fight and start to grow up) b. You end up regretting being such a jerk AFTER you grow up and wish you could take it all back but its TOO LATE
QS, read Sasha's post today, it will give you some hope... She's been fighting for months and her H filed on her as well... and her H has moved outon her as well... same boat, different captain is all...
you have to hang in there... Sasha was a huge fight for us too because she wouodn't listen and got emotional every time she hit a bump in the road...
I don't think she will ADMIT she got played. She has been wanting out of here for a long time now. This is just her excuse. And she sure as Hell doesn't think I was protecting her.
Like I said she will be coming back here on Friday to get my "answer".
I totally understand that she's miserable. I get that she's angry. But this is as far as she has pushed it yet. The poker stakes have been raised significantly.
She says now "He never was 'the one' for me". I mean the venom that comes out of this woman is horrific.
Quote:
You could send her mother some flowers and a short note thanking her for all her hard work in trying to protect her daughter too. You thank her for trying.
Already did it last week....
QuickSilver264,
A cheating spouse has all sorts of irrationalizations that drive their decisions after getting comfy in an affair. Many of these irrationalizations have no basis in reality, because they really are "pushing it" in life. It will come to them later and it will sting with lots of pain and hurt, if they don't get to their phaze they may just stay in the "crazy" realm and you won't want to put up with this anyway.
But it still hurts that she is gone from the house. I can't help that. I am TRYING TO. But what she said about "if not him then some other guy who wants to blank me".
Even her mom says that there is absolutely positively no hope for this marriage.
But when she was packing and talking to me, I DID NOT SHOW ONE BIT OF EMOTION.
Her mom seems to think that my wife wasn't leaving the marriage because of the OM. But I guess I will NEVER know unless I had exposed him and MAYBE start to lift her fog.
Did you wife leave the house Allen? My wife appears so over and done with this marriage that EVERYONE around her sees it.
Even the toughest people need a moment to let their feelings out. I have some dark, dark days ahead of me.
My wife even used her friend's Facebook account to try and contact the OM.
She just let the insults and hurting statements FLY at me. Oh I had my suit of armor on, but when she left I had to take it off and look at the billion dents.
Amazing how she cheated on you and made you her enemy. This is truly some evil stuff. I wonder what Dr. Phil would have to say about it, because you know that he's not going to let any of her irrationalizations ride.
It's obvious you can't really worry about what she says, but you should be aware of what she does. She can be a danger to you and this is what you need to be concerned about.
Best wishes to you my friend.
And when Allan A mentioned something about a bunch of "yes" men showing up to show OM the door or to ensure a DB brother handles his business, I for one would love to get on a plane or take a car ride to be part of this.
