Lessons learned at every bend

[optimist]

I think I have a fever. Just called H and he was already home from work (alone with my bro and our D!). He had a meeting with a client at 5:30 pm but wanted to drop us at the bookstore (if I got there on time), then pick us up to go to dinner. I feel quite lousy and do not want to but it is the thought that counts.

Well, holdingon, you beat Pam to the mark this time . And I can totally relate to Annette's post in your thread yesterday:

You commented to him that you understood OW was important to him. BINGO. Whether we, the LBS, like it or not, the OP is important to the RAS. She is the one who was there to comfort him in a time when he did not allow you to be there. My h and I had an interesting discussion recently regarding what happened.

Annette: so, h, what do you think happened? (meaning the mlc)
h: I don't know. I just know that I was in so much pain, that I needed to do something in order to save myself; in retrospect, being with OW was not the right thing to do, but at the time, I could not stay in our relationship. Maybe I needed to be with someone whose only focus was me, who knows?; all I know is, I was ready to commit suicide I was in so much pain;

Annette: so, did you really fall out of love with me, and now suddenly you are back in love with me?

h: No, I always loved you. I just told myself that I did not love you so that I could justify to myself what I was doing to us; I needed to do something so it was easier to tell myself and you that I did not love you anymore. But don't get me wrong. OW is a great person and I care for her (Annette wincing inside, because of course, I have a much different opinion); I love the kids; I love you and I want back what we had;

I wonder whether she is married to my H too... sounds so much like something he would say... it is eirie.

I feel very resentful of the fact that he pushed me aside and let her be there for him when he would not let me in. It makes me despair...

BTW, Totite, tomorrow will be 3 months that my H came back home. He'd tried to before but I refused to let him come back until he got rid of her. Now I wonder whether I did the right thing by relenting this last time. It coincided with my discovering BR and deciding for sure that I wanted the M to recover... It seemed the right thing at the time, but now I wonder... did I send him the wrong message? That I'd tolerate that W if he came home and worked in the R?

Also, any ideas as to how to get rid of her would be appreciated... especially a question for former WAS: what would have made/did make you relinquish the R with OP? Any insights?

I need a beginner's mind badly in this issue...