putting my big girl panties on

[newmama]

check your FB, Flowmom!

So unfortunately there would probably have to be some effort on my part if I wanted to meet an unattached man.

lol! Sorry, but yes...dating does require US to have to make effort and take risks and get out there!

[alice444]

I don't think it's a big deal as long as you don't (and I know you already know this):

- have them around kids as more than a friend until it becomes serious and committed
- put yourself on the line emotionally, if you're not ready
- it doesn't make you feel worse in any way
- it's all for you, not to send a message to H, fill a void you should be filling by working on yourself instead or to avoid reality (I know you're not doing this)

So, you're an adult and you get to do adult things, including this, if you want. Just look out for yourself emotionally and don't add this to your life if it causes stress rather than makes you happy .

-A

[kara]

Whoa, Flow

So you have put your BGP on and now you're thinking that maybe you should do something else with them? ( LOL,hope you are not offended but your question struck me as funny in light of your thread title. I see humor in a lot of things.)

I dunno...how easy would it be to compartmentalize this area of your life? And, do you feel that you are at a point where you are emotionally ready for this or do you not anticipate emotional involvement?

The need for companionship AND MORE is a very human one. Just be very sure that you are not adding any additional anxiety to your life.

[flowmom]

Reality set it today and I realized that I can't afford to get involved with a man. I think I would be OK emotionally, but realistically it would be a bad choice to draw my focus away from my responsibilities as a parent:

* figuring how how to help S with his special needs
* figuring out what D needs right now
* figuring out how to keep the children's home
* figuring out how to support myself financially

I also need to get this divorce crap over with first. It's going to be more work and not exactly pleasant. I hope that we can get the legal separation sorted out as soon as possible.

Summer is here and I want to fully enjoy it, including fun and flirtation. But it's time to be a grownup. Male "companionship and more" is going on the back burner.

I'm really feeling "out at sea" lately...drifting somewhere between an old life and a new life. Things don't fit properly, not just my old clothes.

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((((flowmom))))))))

Reality kinda sucks sometimes! But I think you are right.

The good thing is that it's not like there will never be fun and flirtation. Heck, just going through the day, you'd be surprised what you can find. It's not quite FWB territory, but I have found that actually thinking about being a little extra nice to the people you see going through life can give me some of those feelings. The server in the restaurant, the clerk in the checkout line, just people you run into here and there.

There are a couple places I eat regularly, the servers really do reflect my attitude back at me.

[flowmom]

Well, the conversation that I just had was as close as I'm going to get to closure, I think.

I phoned STBXH tonight to ask him about how the appointment with the coparenting psychologist went. It turned into a much more involved conversation than I expected. STBXH basically laid his cards on the table in many areas.

* he liked the psychologist but had the impression that most of the coparenting plan was stuff that we could work out together (he also felt that she was not super supportive of our parenting style)

* we agreed to look at the coparenting plan template together and try to hammer out as much as possible on our own and possibly seek professional input for areas where there is conflict or lack of clarity

* we agreed that we both want what's best for the children and that we agree about 90% of parenting issues

* STBXH stated clearly that he would like our children to continue living in this home if that's what I want and that he was willing to make financial concessions (not legally required) to facilitate that

* he said that he felt bad that he hadn't made the above clear, because he had been thinking along those lines for a long time

* he said that he would far rather get a less favourable settlement in the divorce than give tons of money to lawyers

* he said he had had a one hour consultation with a L

* he said that he didn't have short-term plans to buy property but was hoping to buy something no more than a 15 min drive away from here

* he said that he had no idea about what his financial picture would look like...sounded fatalistic about it

* I really went out on a limb and said "I know you're probably not interested in this, but I thought I'd give you a heads up that a suitable home (currently owned by friends) will probably become available for sale in this complex a year from now"...he thanked me for telling him and said that he didn't know how he'd feel a year from now but that he wouldn't rule out that possibility. I put the ball in his court to contact the owner when he suggested that I mention it to her.

So, we had the amicable divorce conversation. Having skipped all the conversations that you'd expect to have after the "I don't know how I feel and I'm moving out for a trial separation" conversation.

STBXH and I were friends before we were lovers. And I see now that we will probably be able to be coparents and friends. Having finally had a conversation with STBXH, I am reassured that he is still the same mostly honourable man that I have always known and loved. Sucks that our marriage failed, but I guess the consolation prize is that we will be able to bring some decency and goodwill to the process of making the best of this for our children.

I was warned about this, but it's more obvious to me now how the communication vacuum led me to mind-read and live in fear of him becoming a different person. Talking to him tonight, it's obvious that there's no fight in him. So I need to stop being paranoid and just get on with making this work.

Frankly, my STBXH doesn't really seem to fit the profile of either the typical WAS or MLCer. He was just done. Not that it really matters at this point.

I feel a bit numb, a bit relieved...and there is still some disbelief.

[flowmom]

I guess it bugs me a bit that STBXH probably thinks that I am OK with us divorcing, based on my actions. Not that it makes any difference to the outcome. But maybe I'll have to send that "honesty" email at some point...for me.

[flowmom]

Woke up way too early this morning, thinking about the conversation from last night.

It strikes me that our separation has been so much like our marriage. STBXH, the INTJ, has masterminded an entire plan in his head...and utterly failed to communicate it to me for six months. Yes, his plan is essentially honourable and well-intentioned, yet the fact that I was supposed to assume all this after enduring months of (mostly scowling) silence from STBXH just doesn't compute.

In our marriage, STBXH wanted me to assume good intentions, commitment, and even love, on his part without necessarily demonstrating either through his actions and words. Well, at some point those things trickled down the toilet...I think that's why I was blindsided when the bomb hit. It's not that things weren't obviously wrong in our marriage for a long time. But STBXH had trained me, and I had trained myself, to expect little in the way of reassurance or expressions of love and commitment. So when those things were gone, it wasn't just pure denial operating on my part.

This part is going to be tricky. Frankly, it galls me to accept 50% of the assets because it was mostly his money that paid for them. Yes, I get that I was a contributing member of the household in non-financial ways, but still. To accept concessions on STBXH's part beyond that really doesn't feel right. I know I have to overcome that for my children's sake. But I will have to tread very carefully here. I still care deeply about STBXH and his well-being. And I'm also worried about backlash down the road if STBXH chooses to make (guilt-based?) concessions at this point relatively soon after the bomb/separation. I want the financial stuff to be "clean".

Now that I think about it, I guess if there are concessions on STBXH's part on our home, it could be structured that whatever stake he gives up in the home could be essentially "in trust" for our children, rather than being mine. Hopefully there's a way to figure this out.

I'm doing field work today...but my focus on that isn't waht it should be. And I only got 5 hours of sleep.

[idontunderstand]

Wow, FM, I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who's brain goes in a hundred different directions at once trying to analyze all of this!

Seriously though, doesn't everyone of these sitch's come down to communication or lack thereof?

It strikes me that our separation has been so much like our marriage. STBXH, the INTJ, has masterminded an entire plan in his head...and utterly failed to communicate it to me for six months. Yes, his plan is essentially honourable and well-intentioned, yet the fact that I was supposed to assume all this after enduring months of (mostly scowling) silence from STBXH just doesn't compute.

And

In our marriage, STBXH wanted me to assume good
intentions, commitment, and even love, on his part without necessarily demonstrating either through his actions and words.

We forget to tell each other what is important and assume that, since we have been together for so long, the other person must know how we feel. Looking back, I realize nothing could be further from the truth.

I wish I was at the place that you are as far as being friends with stbx. I have told mine that we would be civil for the kids sake but friendship was out of the question. Maybe that will change. I don't think it will.

Anyway, enjoy your work, love your kids and catch up on your sleep. I continue to look up to you and the way you handle yourself. I'm not just saying that either.

[newmama]

Fm- about the the division of assets--I totally get where you are coming from. Originally I said "I don't want half of the house because all I want is for S to be taken care of and I know you will do that...I can take care of myself" and I didn't want his money blah blah

BUT the reality is: THEY are walking away,leaving us without their income...it is almost like they laid us off...so it is fair that we get some financial compensation to make up for the loss of income and to get back on our feet...but ESPECIALLY the stay at home moms (I am returning to work next month)...they were 100% dependent on their H's income!

If the SAHM wants to walk away and take her LBH's money....I feel completely different.

Anyway, I am sure this is a shock and guess what? You don't have to make it the last conversation with him. If you want to talk more, YOU CAN!!!!!