When I came home yesterday, my W wanted to see our financial sitch. She's always avoided it like the plague, so she was shocked to see how much debt we had etc. We're in pretty bad shape and it hit her like a ton of bricks.
After we put our Ds to bed, we started working through some of the stuff our MC gave us to kind of choose a path. I was at my best! I listened, didn't give any unsolicited opinions or advice, but was open and honest when asked.
But (and there's always a but...)
It looks like my wife is deciding to stay in our house for two main reasons. The first is our Ds. She really wants me to be a part of their lives, everyday. Which I am glad for. And the second reason is that we/she just can't afford to have her move out. Her income is 1/4 of mine, and she's worried that not only can't she afford her own place, but that she wouldn't be able to provide for even half of what the kids would need in joint custody. And she's right.
So we talked about how we could make this work. I set a boundary of no open marriage, and she agreed without hesitation. Said that she thought that it would be "sick." We talked about family gatherings, church, sleeping arrangements, etc. She said that she didn't want to give me hope, nor hurt me.
We talked about making sure that we do things as a family (like church) and what we would do about family gatherings (ie holidays). Basically we would act like a normal, happy couple.
It was a great, open talk that lasted around 3 hours. She cried, laughed, and seemed at peace with what this arrangement. She's still very conflicted about why we're in this mess, especially what God wanted for her. She's also willing to continue MC. I asked her if she was going to keep MC going, and she said "if you want." Not exactly a ringing endorsement, and I worry that she's just going to "suck it up" to keep the domestic arrangements tranquil. She feels responsible for my feelings and I know she doesn't want to hurt me.
She also talked about how she felt when I was sick, and I understand a bit better what she went through. I wish she had acted differently, but I can understand. She felt that no one was there for her, that she had no one to confide in, and that I was unavailable. That can be a very lonely spot for a young wife worrying about her husband dying.
So why am I writing this? I don't want to be just friends. I want my wife back. She's physically not a WAS, but she's walked away from our relationship, and I don't know what to do. I want to love her, and her to love me again, in a great relationship. And I'm scared that I'll forever be waiting for her to hold my hand, to let me back into her heart.
I know that if she had left our house, I'd be thinking and feeling the same thing, but it's much harder when she's sleeping in the same bed, living in the same rooms, etc.
I don't know what to do! Do I tell her this arrangement won't work, that she needs to leave? Or what? It felt so good to just listen to her, but I don't know that this is a healthy arrangement. It doesn't feel right, it feels like a compromise.
I want her to decide to stay because our M is something she wants to improve, to make it work, not because it's financially convenient or easier or "better" for the kids.
Am I expecting more than she can give right now, but something that can change within this arrangement? Or am I putting myself in a damaging, dangerous situation that'll be bad for my mental health, as well as for my children?
