Lessons learned at every bend

[optimist]

Well, this time I got locked before the 200 posts, how unfair! Thanks CHL for the title to my new thread:

George Strait The Road Less Traveled lyrics
(Buddy Brock/Dean Dillion)

There's a road a winding road that never ends
Full of curves lessons learned at every bend
Goin's rough unlike the straight and narrow
It's for those who go against the grain
Have no fear dare to dream of a change live to march to the beat of a
different drummer
And it all might come together
And it all might come unraveled
On the road less traveled

For the road less traveled ain't for the faint of heart
For those who choose to play it safe and never stray too far
Me I want to live my life and one day leave my mark
And it all might come together
And it all come unraveled
On the road less traveled

I've chosen a pathway I may not endure
One thing's for certain nothing for sure
And it all might come together
And it all might come unraveled
On the road less traveled

For the road less traveled ain't for the faint of heart
For those who choose to play it safe and never stray too far
Me I want to live my life and one day leave my mark
And it all might come together
And it all come unraveled
On the road less traveled

There's a road winding road that never ends

I am supposed to be at work but I took a brief break. Both H and I seem to have caught whatever our D has (despite all that frequent handwashing, Totite ).

Beware, guys and girls, major vent follows:

So it may be why I am a bit down. Or it could be that Nov 19 gets closer... the day I got the letter from OW saying my H and her were in love and my opposing a divorce was making their life impossible...

Then it started: H denied and said she was crazy... I wanted to believe him and insisted he fired her... he said he would... he had... I found out he had not... I kicked him out of our house in March... he still denied an A (was faking to live at his office and going to her house at midnight after calling me from the office)... we went to counselling... he still denied... In April 20 he broke with OW (I learned later), but she still works for him... she is 'fired' in May... May 7 I talked to OW when I found her in the office when she was 'fired'... all hell broke loose... May 9 I filed for divorce... May 10 I told H that I had done so: he acnowledged the A, said it was over and agreed to my conditions for D, but asked I waited a couple of days... which turned into weeks... then into months...

In August we went on vacation together and he moved back home. He has been attentive, sweet, tender and understanding... but she still works for him... He wears his wedding ring and spends a lot of time with us and with me... but she still works for him... He is more open and learns from his mistakes... but she still works for him... He had acnowledged his mistake and begged for my forgiveness... but she still works for him... He listens to my body language and reads me as a book... but she still works for him...

Even now that my bro is here and H has relaxed a tiny bit and started to come home earlier and spend lots of time with me/us... I found me torturing myself on the way home with XOW's problem.

He tries, I cannot say he is not trying. But he cannot win, because regardless of what he does, I suspect. I cannot rest, I cannot think, I cannot feel sure... I wish I could... I want not to care... I want to stop my mind... and I do for a little, just to have it start again.

Maybe if I were able to understand why he still keeps her there, I'd be able to stop. But I do not and cannot. He has tried to explain several times but I cannot fathom his explanation.

It is partly the way I am wired. I can accept what I understand even if I do not like it or want it. I accepted his feeling of relief when I found out about the A, only when I came to understand what he meant (but it took three months).

He said in frustration that it was my problem, and it IS my problem, but it is ours because it is making it impossible for me to believe. I focus on the positives, I act 'as if', AND I CANNOT STOP MY DARNED MIND. No stop signs, no meditations, not even sleep, nothing seems to work for any long.

And the worst part is that I do not feel I have a right to complain: I have a lot of blessings. He is here and for whatever motive obviously interested in working through things. That is more than lots of people have.
Venting finished: you can read on



OK, let's be methodic: have a look at my goals (reviewed from 9/03):
My goals so far are simple. Whether they are realistic is another question:
1. OW will no longer work for him by Xmas (major must: a sine qua non) I do not see this any closer
2. He will keep me involved in his office (I have no intention of letting this happen again). He has said he will but keeps postponing any attempt at it
3. We will talk about each other feelings and plans Much, much better. We are having long, albeit infrequent, conversations about how we see things. He never initiates one, but is quite receptive to have them when I do
4. We will spend 15 hours a week together (no work, no kid, only fun) We've been doing pretty well: would have gotten that one done if it were not for sickness and family visitors...
5. He will be able to tell me things he think I will not like without feeling he is letting me down. Much better also. I am much better at validating and listening too

Positives for 11/15/03:
1. He came home at 7 pm (not close to midnight)
2. He sat for a few minutes watching TV with my bro and I before heading into his 'sanctuary'. Also a huge improvement.
3. He said ILY before going to work.

Sorry for the long epistle... I needed to get it out of my system before it poisoned me

Well, Pam, clock is ticking. How long will it take you this time?