Does DB'ing work if OW is playing the victim?!?!

[MrBond]

"H said I could stay as long as I want"

Why does he keep having the impression that you are living there only because he "allows" you to? Have you talked to your L about all his threats of kicking you out?

[newmama]

OK the 180s and GALs...are they things that are improvements? List out some things you will do for GAL.

[xin]

like you said it's only a threat. In fact my name is on our lease agreement, his is only mentioned in passing as the co-tenant. So legally, i know i'm better off than him.

For my 180, I'll stop nagging him about his excessive use fo air-conditioning, leaving TV or lights on when he's not in the room and other stuff around the house. These are the main complaints of H about me. The other complaint is my lack of interest in sex. This is something i'm not sure if I should improve on during this time. Any advice? I know for sure that H's A didn't involved too much sex either as the OW is married and has never been sure of the A.

As for GAL, I'm very close to getting a job - this will be a big step as I have been out of work for a year. After that, I'll start looing into acquiring some hobbies, something i've not had ever. I've already found a couple of courses I want to start once I get the job.

I've more friends than my H and so I have a better social life than H. I've always invited H when I go out, but he often declined. I'm wondering if I should cut down on my social life while he's getting over the A?

[MrBond]

I'm not sure I get it. Was your sex life a problem? You didn't want to have sex?

[xin]

I didn't want sex as much as my H - it was one of the complaints of my H. But it's not the reason he had the A as the OW wasn't giving to him that regularly either, as far as I know.

[xin]

Journaling:

Not quite sure how long i'll last trying to fight for my M. Feeling resentment for H rising as he wallow in hie "heartbreak" and expecting sympathy from me. There are photos of OW in his briefcase, presents from OW in his drawer and on display on our couch. And H came home saying he felt much better after speaking to someone at work, guess who, and he doesn't feel so heartbroken!! Is it worthwhile staying married to someone who is so obviously oblivion to me?!

Job offer has been delayed again.....please God, grant me this prayer. I'll be in much better position to plan for my future.

[MrBond]

So what were his reasons for leaving?

[xin]

Issues we have had which H put down to me constantly trying to tell him what to do. I have firm beliefs in being cost effective and energy efficient in our life. Unfortunately my H doesn't share the same beliefs. We constantly disagree on whether to have the air-conditioning on and whether it is ok to leave the lights on when no one is in a room. We have had these issues almost right from the beginning of our R, even before we got married. Because of these "issues", my H said that he has been very unhappy for a long time. My H has threatened divorce at least 2 years before his A, but i didn't realised how serious the threat was because he said he loved me very much afer we made up.

I read a card my H wrote to OW, hoping to change her mind about breaking up with him. He wrote that she is the love of his life. Do I put this down to his state of mind? Is this a M that is worth salvaging?

[xin]

Advice needed:

What do i do when H is wallowing over the end of his A? Am i to be his friend and talk to him about it?! I've never set any boundary, in fact since i've come back after H told me he's having an A might be the breaking down of boundary.

[MrBond]

You can be there for him but not encourage his behavior in the A. He's going to have to have it die.

In terms of the other things, did you change any of those behaviors that bothered him? It seems like if he threatened D a few times and you didn't take it seriously, you should take steps to change those things now.

Also, don't be surprised about the lack of sex maybe being a reason also. Maybe he just didn't want to have sex with you. I mean if you kept nagging him about stuff it could be a real mood killer.

"I have firm beliefs in being cost effective and energy efficient in our life. Unfortunately my H doesn't share the same beliefs."

Mind reading. He could very well want to be cost effective, but not in the way that you wanted. You mentioned you were critical of him. Well who would want to stay with someone who was always critical of them?

Just playing devil's advocate here.