Finally over the weekend managed to find my footing again! Feeling ok again! YAY! This rollercoaster of emotions that set me off in a tailspin is really driving me nuts tho. Even despite a curvball of jelousy-inducing information was flung my way on Sat. Read on dear friends, read on
Been reading about my star sign again and my horoscope and generally connecting with myself again, and in doing so, feel that love for myself that I lose when the wind gets knocked out of me every now and then I really love being a pisces, its the only sign I'd want to be, so I guess that means... I love me A good feeling
Friday night BF came over to make me dinner, H had visited a bit too while BF was there, strange that we all get along together like we used to, as if nothings happened? Weird...Had a wonderful eve tho, really enjoying myself again!
H then went over to my BGF's H house to watch a game with 'the men', and afterwards they all went to a bar on the other side of the city, so that H could buy his PA a birthday drink that he promised.....mmmm....red flag did I hear you all say? Yes indeed. All the men go nuts for her at work, and H would go on and on about how shes SO not his type, not enough class , tatoos which he hates etc. I was thinking tho doth protesteth too much?
I find it strange that he actually told me about it on Saturday morning, saying that he felt sorry for her that she didnt earn much, and thats why he bought her some drinks...I hated hearing it ofcourse, a huge jealous lead ball hit the bottom of my stomach, and it took every ounce of energy I had to look completely unfazed Getting good at that:) Or getting good at recovering, cause I have more self love now! I think he just didnt want me to hear it from my BF.
OH well. Red flags. Hate them She's a huge flirt at work, tried to manuiplutae the men she thinks she can, but thank god somethings developed within me now saying, I can't compete with that, why should I even try, I'm gorgeous in a different way. She's the opposite of me. Loud, flirty, bold, oh and 10 years younger.
I know what you are all problbly saying, and no, I wont be surprised if somethings been going on there, just dont want to go there with my head tho. So a big stop sign gets put there instead If I DO however find out that they've been doing the naughty monkey dance together, I dont think I could forgive and forget, so maybe the day I stop posting is when you all know I've been enlightened with a specific piece of information!
Sunday met my BF and another friend for breakfast at a cute gardeny cottage, H had taken S to Aquarium for couple hours (he came in looking drop dead gorgeous, I'm so nutty for him still oh dear), so I was enjoying my break. H looked a little frazzled and irritated when he dropped S off 3 hours later, its those times I think he realizes what hard work it is! He said he was off for a bike ride, and would come and fetch him again for another couple hours while I had dinner at a friends house (seems like he's making an effort to help more with S, which was one of the things I said I held resentment over when we split). So I had a nice dinner and came home feeling just peachy!
This morning H comes in to pick up S, says he'll have a present for me later today, his old Mac laptop which I always drooled over. Said it was dropped and now has a ding, and would like me to have it now cause he cant sell it. It would have been more tactful if he had left the last detail out tho LOL!
Anyway, happy about that
Think I'm just being able to bounce back a bit better, cause I know that I'm ok, and I'll be ok , and that life still is fun, it does go on.
I also realized that people CAN change. And I think he has changed, and his needs have changed, and for some reason I'm at peace that its his life, his decision, and I'm sort of ok if he feels like he doesnt want me. Not as affected by rejection as I was. Dont know why. Now this is a feeling I can get on board with.
But I will always love him. Maybe not be inlove..eventually, but will love him.
Something else I realised, from the middle of last year onwards I started being more upfront about my needs - wanting him to spend more time with S, so that I could have a break, also letting me know when he'd be late home from work etc. I've only just put two and two together that he saw this as me 'sinking my claws into him' as he put it. This was somthing he said to me just after the speech. I was horrified, I've been the most accepting, loving, generous wife, and yet somehow he saw me as someone with claws? Anyway, I knew then that perceptions were clearly screwed up He saw it as control I think? Dunno Someone needs to write a manual...oh wait ...they did! Divirce busting!!!
And besides, he started treating me quite badly last year, think he just coulnt cope anymore, he was getting annoyed and irritated with me, and just mean sometimes. And I'm glad that we are at the point where he's calmer and nicer, and treating me better (most days anyway), somedays he has a little anger/irritation in his voice. Theres nothing like being stuck under the same roof with someone who seems to hate you! Picture a peacful soft pisces and a angry stinging scorpio...lash lash lash..... So I'm glad I'm free of that feeling! Grateful.
She's a huge flirt at work, tried to manuiplutae the men she thinks she can, but thank god somethings developed within me now saying, I can't compete with that, why should I even try, I'm gorgeous in a different way. She's the opposite of me. Loud, flirty, bold, oh and 10 years younger.