Think I am dead now.

[MrBond]

You answered your own question. Get professional help for yourself. Stop the dating for now and build up your self-esteem alone. Stop depending on others to make you happy. Normally it would be okay to go out and see other people, but you were a hair away from offing yourself.

Not a good place to be. Build yourself up and then you'll get the healthy relationship you're looking for. Either with your XW or someone else.

And stop texting and calling her. She's got to go and grow up too. Let her hit rock bottom.