No, I wrote on your post once, and no you don't remind me of her I don't know what the heck I was talking about. Please don't take offense even thought I can see how comparing you to a crazy person would make you wonder if I was cutting you down, I was not trying to be mean. I just was thanking you. Everyone that trys to help me I consider a friend. I am so screwed up I can't talk to my friends in real life-they would want to kill me for thinking the way I do. They don't even know the story-they think that we just broke up again, like we have been doing for years, break up and then get back together. I still love this girl. I know that it is stupid. I am smart(grad student almost done with MBA), I have no trouble getting dates so I guess I am not ugly, I have a cool job(golf pro) I have lots of friends, good family, make lots of money but I work two full time jobs. I know that my ex is mentally ill. Heck, I have become that way on this whole marriage to someone else thing. I have done everything wrong. She has been calling and crying and saying that she made the biggest mistake of her life and that there is no way that I could ever forgive her. Yes, she is using me. She doesn't try to talk to very long but I know that she is not happy with her current marriage. I want her to be better. I really loved this girl. I still get butterflies in my stomach when I see her even though she looks aweful because of the pills she has been taking. I want to help but I can not. Yes, I sent her the money, yes, I did say why doesn't you husband give you some money. I will not do it again. Yes, she tells me that I don't deserve someone as screwed up as her, I deserve someone normal but when she calls I feel good. I am childlike mentally. I do still have some hope that we can make a go of this. I know that she will not stay married to this guy. They are having all kind of problems. I know that I do not want her back in the condition that she is in. When she calls, I have been answering, and then I have been texting her 7 to 12 times about how I screwed up treating her bad and how I loved her and how I would change. She knows that I will not let her do the pain pills at my house. Both her parents have kicked her out of their houses because of the pills. I paid for rehab 3 or 4 times. You do pick who you love but I still do love her. I have a lot of fond memories. Yes, she has been manipulating me, treating me not like a man but I havn't been acting like one either. Yes, I would like to help her. She is very close to hitting rock bottom. She calls and tells me how she made a mistake but she doesn't ask me to come get her which I would do at this point. Yes, I know that is crazy to you people. Hell, it is crazy to me but this girl used to be a sweet, inocent nice girl, I still remember the girl I fell in love with. We went on vacation in May. She was not on the pills then and she was great, I loved her, and I believe that she loved me. She is not capable of love right now. She loves the pills that is why I know her current R will not work. I think(and i know it is dumb and a bad choice) that I want to be there to pick up the pieces. I love our daughter. She is with her grandparents thank God, neither of us are fit to raise a child right now. I am admiting that. I have been answering her calls but I am not going to anymore. It throws me into a tailspin. It makes me feel good and then I start begging and pleading for her to come back. I don't know why I am so damn weak or how I got to be so insecure. I was not this way until she married someone else. I was really trying to get over it and go on with my life but I did always have this hope that she would get cured one day and we would get back together and have a family. If fact, it was not really a hope, I just thought that it would happen. We had been together so long, broke up and then got back together. I thought that we were just destained to always be together. I don't think that she loves me anymore. I don't think that she loves anyone in this world. I think that she just wants to dull the pain of her life with pills so that she doesn't have to think about anything. I know that my posts are nuts. Sorry, I still want you guys help. I still love this disfunctional girl. I am going to counselling, I quite gambling, I have stopped drinking liquor, I still drink some beer, I have gotten on an antidepressant(should have been on one my whole life). I am treating people nicer at the golf course, I have cleaned up my language. These changes are not for her but for me. I needed to work on myself and no, I am not fixed. I used to be a really nice person and most people still think that I am. She used to be a really nice person and most that know her do not think that she is. Matters not, I am going on with my life but I will be there for her when push comes to shove. If she gets divorced which she will, I want to be the one she comes running back to which I am sure she will. I know that I have to get myself healthy first to even deal with her. I am trying. She was a good person before these pills. She is aweful, self centered, extremly depressed and could care less about anyone now. Her own child doesn't live with her. So, don't think that I am defending her or me. We are not good people at the present time. So, my question, I want her back some day. I want to have a better marriage than we have. She told me that she didn't think I would ever forgive her. It will take some counseling for me to but I think I can. She used to make me happy when she wasn't pilling out which she twists off about once a year. It has been almost 10 years now. I don't want to give up on her but I know that I have to save myself first. I am doing that. I am going to cut the rope and not help her anymore with money or emotional support. Is this right. I know the money thing is. I think that she can be good again-I know that I can be. So, I know to stop the pleading and begging and giving her anything. What else? You can call me nuts if you want-I know that it is to still want her. It is not sex or lust, like I said she doesn't look that good anymore. It may be memories of yesteryears when we did have a good relationship, it may be that we do have a daughter, I really can't identify why I would like to have a relationship with her. She was truely my best friend-I know her deepest secrets and she knows mine. We used to lay in bed and talk all night about life. Like I said, she may not even love me anymore. She is definninatly using me right now to lean on for ego support and money which I said that I am cutting off. So, what is the next step for me?
