While readings CD's thread, I came up with a very similar question to his regarding the 180. I feel like all my actions and words to her lately have been very firm. She originally said that I'm cold and that I make her feel like she can't do anything right. The interactions lately just reinforce these characteristics. Or maybe I'm just feeling that way because I opened up the affair. I'm just worried that she'll continue to think that I can't change.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Well, I'm not the best person to ask because I struggle with it as well. I can just offer up what I said to him: find ways to show your "new" self without directing all that goodness right at her. You are right to be firm, given the circumstances! Doesn't mean you need to be angry or lash out - that's just seen as manipulation - but you can't be mr. nice guy who lets himself get run over while his wife is cheating on him either! It's OK if she gets mad because you are holding her accountable for the A! Allen may have better advice but if you read my answers to CD, that's the best I've got. For now!
I understand what you're both saying. I'll continue to be firm and "the bad guy." But I just need to make sure I'm not being rude.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
SG, the 180 confusion surfaced again last night and I think I figured it out.
My D spilled something and rather than just clean it up, I asked her to come sit with me. It took her a minute as she was scared of a time-out or spanking (Don't spank me,Daddy- an odd thing to say because we don't spank her. Expression must have come from the dayhome) I calmly told her if it's too heavy to carry, just ask daddy for help. I'm not mad just disappointed.
It was a really refreshing, warm yet powerful mental state.
Just adult responses to childlike behaviour... there is a compulsion to get sucked in and respond to the negative behaviour at the same level.
Your spouse shouts, your instincts are to shout back.
your spouse lays blame, your instincts aer to blame back
Your spouse argues a legal case, your instincts are to argue back.
DETACHMENT means NOT followoing your isntincts. It means distancing yoruself from the problem such that you can manage it properly and NOT allow your instincts to drive your responses.
Your spouse shouts, you ignore the shouting and state your terms of agreement
your spouse lays blame, you ignore the blame and state your terms of agreement
Your spouse argues a legal case, you ignore the argument and state your terms of agreement
Consistent, adult responses to childlike behaviour are giong to save teh day here better than acting in kind... panic, thrashing, impusive choices, all of that is your SPOUSE.. don't do what they do, no matter how much your instincts are driving you to do so... its NOT HEALTHY or constructive
Hold on.. you are meeting her parents WITH her THERE?
Get more info on OM from these people.. find out others who have had this problem with him.. you may hve more support than you think...
If he's done thisto a few other men's wives you may want to gather those married men together and all of you have a "chat" with him...
I would love to help out with such a chat, local or remote depending on how much it would cost me. These things would need to be planned out. I'm sure many of us feel the same way.
Also it would make sense for db'ers to communicate who are in physical proximity to one another. Not to complain and bring each other down, but for support and to make sure each one is enjoying life sufficiently. Plus another db'er would be more than happy to provide intel if he/she had the means to do so.
Tonight her parents are going to make it known that they know about the affair and that her actions are unacceptable.
I'm wondering if tonight may be a good night to have plans that involve staying somewhere else? I really don't want to catch the whirlwind of emotion that she's going to go through immediately following the discussion with her parents.
Or I could have plans that make me stay out late again and come home "after bar closing time" (I did this approach last night, but actually went and slept at my parents for a while, then came home.)
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Tonight her parents are going to make it known that they know about the affair and that her actions are unacceptable.
I'm wondering if tonight may be a good night to have plans that involve staying somewhere else? I really don't want to catch the whirlwind of emotion that she's going to go through immediately following the discussion with her parents.
Or I could have plans that make me stay out late again and come home "after bar closing time" (I did this approach last night, but actually went and slept at my parents for a while, then came home.)
Makes sense, don't speak to her for at least 24hrs.
Hold on.. you are meeting her parents WITH her THERE?
Get more info on OM from these people.. find out others who have had this problem with him.. you may hve more support than you think...
If he's done thisto a few other men's wives you may want to gather those married men together and all of you have a "chat" with him...
I would love to help out with such a chat, local or remote depending on how much it would cost me. These things would need to be planned out. I'm sure many of us feel the same way.
Also it would make sense for db'ers to communicate who are in physical proximity to one another. Not to complain and bring each other down, but for support and to make sure each one is enjoying life sufficiently. Plus another db'er would be more than happy to provide intel if he/she had the means to do so.
I agree. Having a real life support network would be beneficial. Unfortunately, on an open forum personal details are kept private to keep away from the watchful eye of the mighty Google. I'd be quite upset if W found this forum.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
